Good news: NFL cured breast cancer?

Unfortunately, nobody could tell that the Colts were raising awareness for colorectal cancer by wearing blue and playing with their heads up their asses.

It appears that the Era of Pink NFL Octobers is drawing to a close. Since 2009, the NFL claims to have raised $15 million dollars for the American Cancer Society by selling pink merchandise, which their players market by wearing on field. But, now the league will allow teams to choose which cancer they will observe and fund-raise for during Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Some teams may choose to keep the “breast” in Breast Cancer Awareness Month and wear pink in October. Others may choose colors to raise money for cancers that only affect the coach or team directly or even change from year-to-year based on which cancer is really popular these days. But, it must be during October and not during the appropriate month for such things, like … oh, we don’t know … testicular and prostate cancer in November?

The important thing here is that the NFL doesn’t focus too much time or energy on any one fatal, life-ruining ailment.

Who mourns for Philip Morris?

Buck up, cowpoke. We'll save your job yet.
Buck up, cowpoke. We’ll save your job yet.

As The Guys wind down Movember (two participating, one waiting for this to all blow over so we can focus on his anti-cancer bar crawl in March), we turn our gaze onto the unsung heroes of cancer fundraising: cigarette companies.

If it weren’t for corporations like Philip Morris producing a known carcinogen and attempting to first cover up and then downplay the cancer and other health conditions they cause, what would we be growing mustaches or running laps around a high school gym for? And have we ever thanked them? No. Instead, we’re forcing them to change their packaging and hurting their sales.

Well, we hope you’re happy, because now Philip Morris has to find a new product to sell. One idea is to go into vaping, but that’s already got a bad taste to it — both literally and by people who vape. We owe some new ideas to Philip Morris — something that is both needed and fits in their wheelhouse. We suggest the following to save our butts:

  • Tracheotomy Rings: Smokers are so dedicated to Philip Morris’ products that they burned a new smoking hole into their throats. If that’s not a literal niche for tobacco companies to fill, than what is?
  • Fancy Coffee: Dunkin Donuts already recovered from everyone quitting donuts by transitioning into coffee shops. If basic people are already addicted to pumpkin spice, imagine how many lattes Philip Morris will sell with a double-pump of nicotine?
  • Cuban Cigars: Nobody knows what’ll happen with the opened Cuban embargo now that Trump is the President-elect and Fidel Castro is dead. Unless Philip Morris, an American corporation, buys out the Cuban cigar market. The cigars will be trendy, and the tobacco lobby beats the old Miami Cuban lobby every time.

The McBournie Minute: NFL mustaches don’t donate to Movember

Halloween has come and gone, and if you’re friends with Rick Snee or Bryan Schools on Facebook, you are well aware that it’s Movember. Yes, it’s that month where some of us pretend that mustaches are cool so we can raise awareness about … something involving dudes and health. It used to be man cancers, and now it seems like various things that affect men’s health.

I’m a dude, so dude health is way up there on my list of priorities. So I guess I have to be on the side of this vague cause. And if you know a guy and are concerned about his health, you should support it, too.

The problem is that groups like the NFL use it to just make a quick buck. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: NFL mustaches don’t donate to Movember

You Missed It: Worth it edition

R.I.P., Ron.
R.I.P., Ron.

I’m not really a big Halloween guy. It’s not because I’m in my 30s and its a little weird for people my age to dress up in costumes. I’ve been this way at least since high school. When I was a kid, Halloween was great. I got to wear a costume of my choosing, I got tons of candy, and there were pumpkins to carve. Now it just seems like a hassle. Finding a costume is the problem. Either you make one yourself by shopping around, or you pay a ton for a crappy pre-made thing. I always look forward to the day after Halloween so I can read about all the people who wore clearly inappropriate costumes. If you were busy claiming you had sex with Prince this week, odds are you missed it.

WHO ruins everything for everyone
The World Health Organization released a report this week linking processed meats, such as ham, bacon and hot dogs, with colon and stomach cancer. A second report release found that about two-thirds of people under 50 have some form of herpes. But really, who cares? If the internet’s bacon craze is any indicator, we’re all going to die of cancer in a few years.

Racing Johnny Carson would be better
It was announced this week that Universal Studios Orlando will open a ride featuring Jimmy Fallon in 2017. The move is seen as corporate synergy at its best. The ride is supposed to be a race with the Tonight Show host through the streets of New York, but probably with less profanity than the real thing. Like the show, all the “spontaneous” moments will have been choreographed, and no one will think Fallon is funnier than he will. Just try not to fall down and hurt yourself, Jimmy.

Wrestling moves in our schools
This week, a school resource officer in South Carolina was caught on video throwing a teenage student out of her chair when she refused to leave a classroom. And a video at a school in California showed a large student fight, during which the principal is body slammed. Man, Michelle Obama’s Let Move campaign is really connecting with kids.

So … that just happened

People without vaginas, behold! Science has grown you one in a petri dish ice tray.

Finally, a six-pack that trumps the other two kinds.
Finally, a six-pack that trumps the other two kinds.

Well, that’s about all we needed, scientists. Thanks for all the hard work and what diseases you managed to cure in the time between the inventions of writing and math and us not caring about what happens outside of our dish.

Good job, everyone. Home run. In a dish.

Men: Have you had your pap smear?

If you’re a man in America, we’ve got great news: your gynecologist will see you now.

For decades, American men have gone without getting their paps smeared and their oil changed at the gynecologist–all because of sexist rules that said these doctors could only treat women. Those dark days are over, men. The American Board of Obstetrics and Gynecology has loosened up its old rules, allowing gynecologists, regardless of sex, to treat men.

Finally, the Guys will know once and for all if we have ovarian cancer.

Human health NOW valued at 1.7 billion dollars

Life. We all need it (well, most of us). However, what we don’t need to know, typically, is the amount that it’s worth.

Well, thanks to a lawsuit that’s been filed in Santa Monica, we now know an approximation: 1.7 billion dollars.

At least, this is how much Denise Barton thinks her life is worth. She’s filed the suit, claiming that the wireless parking meters used in the city have interfered and ruined her life. Apparently some people think you can fight city hall. Sometime back, the World Health Organization stated that low-level radiation may cause cancer and maladies in humans. Extrapolating from this, Barton thinks that the city is trying to kill her. Tin-foils hats ON.

The thing, what happens if she wins the lawsuit? Just how much would her life be worth if the parking meters were removed? More? Less? These are the intriguing thoughts we have that aren’t morbid at all and don’t imply a termination contract for her. Nope. Not at all. No. Ummm … next subject!

The bald and the beautiful

Much like Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., whom we celebrate today, Rebecca Sypin of Lancaster, Calif., and friend Jane Bingham of New Jersey also have a dream.

That dream is of a “beautiful and bald” Barbie doll. Not satisfied with destroying the body images of little girls with hair, the two have launched a Facebook campaign to convince Mattell (or, less desirably, another toy company) to add a hairless Barbie to their line.

Mattell has, to date, not committed to the doll, saying they receive “hundreds of passionate requests for various dolls” and will keep their application on file. If that response sounds political, it’s probably because of a rival request from the Little Brothers of America, whose Facebook group claims that an already bald Barbie will put millions of younger siblings out of work.

Now it’s cancer rather than hair growing on palms

Okay, remember how in Back to the Future, plutonium was needed to power the DeLorean, but the Libyan terrorists wanted it back?

Now swap in tissue boxes with DeLorean and Bed, Bath & Beyond with Libyan terrorists and you’ve got this story.

A shipment of tissues box covers making their way to the California corner of Bed, Bath & Beyond (if they’ve got time, Saturday’s looking busy) were delayed in their travels. At a truck scale, the radiation sensor was set off, probably setting off tornado sirens and klaxons left and right. The box covers apparently had been coated in low levels of cobalt-60. Triple B is now offering a recall on the products.

The radiation is reportedly not too dangerous to people if they left them in their bathroom, but I have a feeling my old suitemate from college, Sploosh, might have a bad case of testicular cancer if he bought them.

At least one teenager has justified the snotty attitude

It’s official: Angela Zhang is better than you. And me. And you and you and you.

At just 17 years old, the Wunderkind has managed to win a 100 grand grant from the Siemens Competition. What will the money be used for? Nothing short of developing a possible cure for cancer through the power of nanotechnology. Her project has been nicknamed “the Swiss army knife of cancer treatment” for the multi-purpose approach it takes with both cancer cells and cell imaging.

There’s only one problem, the name:

Her project was entitled “Design of Image-guided, Photo-thermal Controlled Drug Releasing Multifunctional Nanosystem for the Treatment of Cancer Stem Cells.”

That doesn’t exactly lend itself to a kick-ass acronym. We at SG suggest the project being renamed “C.A.N.C.E.R.P.U.N.C.H.” We don’t actually what it breaks down to, but at least the acronym tells you what the project does.