What do you get for the man who already has HPV?

New relationships are exciting because they’re full of “firsts”:

  • The first date
  • The first kiss
  • The first awkward transition into a 69 position
  • The first proposal of a threesome, followed immediately by
  • The first fight

But, there’s another first that’s livening up Canadian relationships (I know, Canada again?): the first transmission of the human papillomavirus or HPV.

According to a couple of studies published in in the January issues of the journal Epidemiology and the journal Sexually Transmitted Diseases, Montreal researchers found that 56 percent of their 263 female enrollees contracted HPV from their new boyfriends. 44 percent got the ones with extra sauce that can cause cancer.

The scary part is that 40 percent of those who used condoms still tested positive for HPV.

Of course, groin doctors asking patients if they used condoms is kinda like dentists asking if you floss. If they find something, you don’t want to give them “I told you so” ammo.

So, if you’re still wondering what to get your significant other for Valentine’s–just 30 shopping days left!–might we suggest looking down on yourself?

Beer loosens up men for prostate exams

When it comes to early detection of cancer, the greatest weapon we have is communication. The same goes for relationships.

And both are sped along by beer.

So, if you are a man between 40 and death, Pints for Prostates would like to buy you a beer, and then talk about what’s going on in that butt of yours. Who knows, maybe you’ll get an exam by the end of the night.

Tribute missing something …

What? What were you expecting?The USA Today wrote a very nice tribute to the dogs and cats that help cancer patients recover. The article claims that pets’ very companionship is a medical boon, though they didn’t seem to prevent the cancer at all. (Coincidence?)

Dogs were also credited with learning to diagnose cancer, but how difficult is that to figure out? It’s a person in a hospital that showed up because of a lump. Wow.

You know what real meaningful contribution that dogs and cats make to the War on Cancer that the article didn’t even bother to mention? Research.

Way to drop the ball and not bring it back when we asked, mainstream media.

Suggestions to increase public health care interest

Hey, Mr. President.

We don’t talk much. You run with slightly more influential crowds than The Guys. That’s cool.

And it’s also cool that you’re trying to be the Picard to Bush’s Kirk by talking through problems like the economy, Iran and Rush Limbaugh.

But, maybe, just maybe, talking won’t get support for that health care initiative you want. It may be time to put away the teleprompter and sick kids and maybe try something a little more … active to engage the American people.

Now, we’re not advocating setting off a giant electromagnetic pulse to trigger brain tumors across the country or appointing Pamela Anderson to give the nation’s water supply Hepatitis C. But we’re not not saying that those ideas would totally work.

Here today, gone tomorrow

Cancer takes a lot of things. People, hair, enjoyment in life … but we never stop to think about the cure. I mean, we love being able to beat cancer, but we never think of just what it takes to beat cancer.

Here’s what it takes to beat cancer: your fingerprints.

How do we know that? A man from Singapore was detained for four hours because no one could figure out who he was through technological ways (obvious ways, like vision, are a different story). Of course, they couldn’t figure out his identity because his cancer medication, capecitabine (also known as Xeloda in the United States), managed to erase his fingerprints from his body. His doctor is now recommending that all patients taking the medication now carry a doctor’s note to identify who they are and why they’re off the grid.

In other news, makers of overpriced machines that burn off your fingerprints in science fiction movies all suddenly jumped out of windows in tall buildings.

Give a s#*t, save a tit

In a shocking revelation, two-thirds of all Latina women in the United States discover their breast cancer through self-examinations.

We, here at SeriouslyGuys, are ashamed, apalled and awildered. (This dismay is well above and beyond standard bewilderment.)

Won’t somebody help these women perform their breast exams? And so close to Valentine’s, too. No wonder they’re staying home for Encore’s Ladies Only movie night.

On a completely unrelated note: if you’re offended by these jokes about cancer, then you’re letting cancer win. Is that what you want?

Take it from Snee: Go ahead, make my wish

So, on the drive to work today I heard some shill for the Make a Wish Foundation plugging his product on the Go Fish Radio Network.

(That’s the better morning radio show in Huntsville, AL. Its predecessor was, I kid you not, a show called “Rick and Bubba.” They remixed songs that were popular eight years ago to include annoying southern girls and rooster calls. They were rejected from Huntsville like a microwaved baboon heart transplant.)

You’re probably thinking, “Oh god, you hate the Make a Wish Foundation?”

Short answer: yes.

Long answer: it’s a misguided program that supports the wrong clientèle at the expense of donors. (Long answer continues after the jump.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Go ahead, make my wish

‘Retirement’ redefined?

Continuing the news trend of celebrity atheletes who don’t know what “retired” means, Lance Armstrong has announced that he and his remaining testicle are racing again.

His goal is to win the Tour De France again raise awareness for cancer. You probably haven’t heard of cancer. It’s the disease that killed your grandmother. No, not the one who was crushed by her horse. The other one. You were six.

As a service to these egomaniac atheletes who can’t stop unretiring, this blog would like to offer them a new word: vacation.

You know, when you go away for a little bit and relax, then come back after a certain period of time? Yeah, you’re not retiring, you’re on vacation.

Stop trying to bait the press with retirement rumors. Soon they won’t believe you and you’ll have to fake your death just to interest them again.

That’s what kids are for

OK, so it turns out that little Caylee Anthony may not have disappeared so much as been murdered by her mother, according to reports.

Cue the moral outrage from the masses.

Yes, folks on the Internet, we get it: killing kids is bad. But what if it’s your kid? Are you going to let an entire community of people who can’t use the correct version of “there, their or they’re” tell you to raise–or not raise–your kid?

What if you know your kid is evil? (For the sake of argument, you went to a fortune teller.) Because Caylee was taken from us so young, we’ll never know if she was going to cure cancer or become the President of the United States or the next Hitler.

This blog exists on one principle: our parents brought us into the world, and they can take us back out. Let’s not go to crazy with reforming these child “murder” laws.

How To: Kill your parents

Let’s face it: for one reason or another, your parents have to die. Maybe it’s because you need that inheritance. Perhaps it’s because they’ve told you clean up your room too many times. Or you might just blame them for life.

We’ve already told you how to use violence to solve all of your familial problems. Since we try not to repeat ourselves, this guide will be a little different. Besides, if both of your parents suddenly end up dead, you’re the prime suspect. Prison or lethal injection is no way to enjoy a parent-free life, so read on to learn how to kill your parents. Continue reading How To: Kill your parents