PSA: 262 pieces of candy will kill you

It’s Halloween, which means it’s nearly time to put up your Veterans’ Day decorations. But before we get to that fun, there is still the tradition of harassing neighbors into giving you candy, better known as trick-or-treating. This year, The Guys want to make sure that you don’t kill yourself with candy.

So how much candy would it take to kill you? About 262 “fun size” Halloween treats for an adult, researcher say. That comes out to 5.4 pounds of sugar, which is pretty gross to think about. With such levels of sugar in your body, there’s a very good chance you wouldn’t survive.

And because we want you to stay safe and give us more hits in the future, we’re here to tell you to practice moderation. Only each 250 or fewer pieces of Halloween candy in a sitting.

Why are cows eating all our Skittles?

It’s always fun to read about a truck hauling food, beer or livestock spills, and the road is littered with the cargo. But this one is different, there’s a shocking twist that you won’t see coming if you didn’t read the headline.

In Wisconsin, a whole lot of red Skittles fell out of the back of a truck and caused a mess on a county highway. Authorities were able to clean up the scene, but an unusual detail emerged in the investigation: the Skittles were intended to be used as feed for cattle.

This doesn’t seem like the typical meal for a cow, and it’s not Halloween. Have cows secretly been eating Skittles and we didn’t know about it? Do the cows have a rider stipulating only red Skittles? Does Skittles-fed beef fetch a higher price at the butcher? The situation is so alarming that Mars, the maker of Skittles is investigating why their product was reportedly being used as cattle candy.

Peeps shortage could be on horizon

Some 40 years ago, people waited for hours in line to fill up their gas tanks during the Iranian oil embargo. And now our generation may be facing a similar catastrophe — but with candy.

A candy factory in Pennsylvania that makes, among other things, Peeps, is facing production problems because its workers have gone on strike. Workers are demanding a better contract, and aren’t making Peeps, the marshmallow birds the internet loves for some reason. If there’s one thing this blog is not, it’s alarmist, which is why we’re saying you need to run out and buy as many Peeps as you can before the economy comes crashing down around us.

Or, boycott Peeps, and support the peeps who make Peeps.

Mars needs women! (No fat chicks)

Alright, Mars: is it moderation if we eat your candy over a dollop of frozen yogurt?
Alright, Mars: is it moderation if we eat your candy over a dollop of frozen yogurt?

When it comes to junk food, we’re used to companies disregarding our actual health to convince us to eat only their products and as much of them as possible. For instance, Jack’s Links telling us that beef jerky’s how professional athletes build muscle mass or Gatorade saying we haven’t defeated dehydration until Lemon-Lime seeps out of our pores.

So, it comes as a surprise that Mars, the company responsible for M&Ms, Snickers and Skittles, wants out of the fast food dessert market. They want to discontinue providing their candy for McDonalds McFlurries, Dairy Queen Blizzards and Burger King Snicker Pies because we allegedly eat too much of it. (No word if they plan to stop The Guys from stuffing Skittles into Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and shooting them with root beer floats.)

Mars is ducking out of fast food desserts to convince people to eat sweets in moderation — and this is news to us, but, apparently, combining ice cream and candy isn’t moderation.

Well, you’re not the boss of us, Mars! (Not until our manned space program finally provokes your intergalactic overlords on the red planet.) We can buy our own candy and sprinkle it into our own ice cream. And, if your goal was to raise your stock by making us eat more candy in protest, then you win!

Pharmacy gives kids bipolar medicine for Halloween

Did you know that they celebrate Halloween in Canada, too? It’s true. And unlike their so-called “Thanksgiving,” they celebrate Halloween on Oct. 31, just to be more like America.

One big difference is that they give out candy at pharmacies. That’s how trick-or-treaters were accidentally treated to some bipolar medicine. Authorities in Quebec City say a woman picked up some bipolar medicine for her son, but dropped it at the pharmacy. Another customer saw it and put it next to a candy jar. Somehow, an employee put the pills in with the candy.

Just another benefit of free health care.

Can you say the N-word with a mouthful of taffy?

This is an especially risky recruitment move considering the South's high rate of diabetes.
This is an especially risky recruitment move considering the South’s high rate of diabetes.

If you can say the N-word with a mouthful of taffy — and you’re white and not Catholic or Jewish — then congratulations! You just passed the KKK entrance exam!

The South Carolina-based Loyal White Knights distributed bags of candy, each containing the phone number to their recruitment line, along with standard Fox News talking points about illegal immigration.

The Guys are beginning to suspect that nobody with good intentions ever gives out free candy.

You Missed It: Color-changing edition

House Speaker John Boehner said he has no plans to alter his bright orange color.
House Speaker John Boehner said he has no plans to alter his bright orange color.

Now that it’s November over, it’s time to switch from from Halloween candy to Christmas candy. You may have seen department stores across the U.S. flagrantly bringing out Christmas stuff even when they were still selling Halloween stuff, creating real-life versions of Nightmare Before Christmas. Next year, I’ll capitalize on that and give trick-or-treaters candy shaped like Santa Claus. If you’re a homophobic author that was looking forward to the release of a movie based on your book this week, odds are you missed it.

Kraft is going colorblind
We’ve got some bad news, and it’s going to affect every one of you out there. It may even alter the view of your childhood. Things will never seem quite the same again. Some character shapes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese are going to be less yellow next year. Spongebob Squarepants, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and How to Train Your Dragon pasta shapes will no longer contain yellows 5 or 6. The company said that combined, they cranked the yellow up to 11.

Biden was almost too cool for the ticket
According to a new book by journalists Mark Halperin and John Heilemann, the Obama campaign had considered replacing Joe Biden with Hillary Clinton as vice president. Sources say that the campaign did a great deal of polling whether there would be an advantage in changing the ticket, but Biden showed up with doughnuts.

Boston regains title of least favorite city by other fans
In Game 6, the Boston Red Sox won their third World Series in nine years. It was the first time the team had won at home since 1918, which meant that fans were legally required to riot. As the team charged the field after the final out, Series MVP David Ortiz was wearing a helmet. Not a batting helmet, a helmet the style that skateboarders and some motorcyclists wear. This whole concussion safety thing may be going a bit far.

It’s amazing the favors you can get at low prices

On Friday morning, Tony Kornheiser sarcastically alluded that the French dream was to go into prostitution and save up the money for a beauty parlor. If this humorous joke is true, then the French johns are going about it all the wrong way. Currency? Legal tender? That’s for chumps. They need to follow John Johnson Jr.’s example and instead pay for lovin’ with candy.

No, really.

Johnson, a jail nurse, is being accused of assaulting seven female inmates. How did he keep them quiet? He used the same items that women have fallen for ever since the beginning of time-candy and soda.

We can only assume that the incredibly low standards of the inmates eventually rose up when he mistakenly approached a livabetic diabetic prisoner about a deal.

Irony alert


Somebody, start thinking of the children!

In 2009, candy-like nicotine orbs were released into the market, designed for people who need that nicotine fix but are in a no-smoking at all situation. They’re small, dissoluble and come in two delightful flavors: cinnamon and mint. There’s no way that could cause trouble.

Oh, right-children will put anything into their mouth that can fit in it. Yeeps. That appears to be causing a bit of a problem among the kiddies, as they’re popping the orbs like there’s no tomorrow when they can get their fat little hands on them, resulting in infant and child poisoning. Who would guessed?

Online cig retailers can’t quit cold turkey

The FDA sent out a warning letter to 14 online companies that are breaking new cigarette laws, which indicates that the FDA may be a UN organization. The companies received the written hand-wringing for continuing to sell flavored cigarettes.

Flavored cigarettes violate the Tobacco Control Act, which was signed into law by President Obama in June. Candy, fruit and herb-flavored cigarettes were outlawed because the FDA believes they entice children and teens who want to look older, but can no longer associate original flavors with cartoon characters.

So, if you want to sell cigarettes, flavors are not OK, unless those flavors are:

  • Menthol
  • Burnt baby diapers

Anything else would be unnatural.