Shouldn’t there be a witty VW Beetle with a microphone or something?

The Germans gave us the highway and they gave us some pretty nice cars to go along with it. (Unfortunately, the cars are so complicated that they are fixed by import specialists for a lot of money, but that’s not really here nor there.) The Germans are also very, very good at obeying authority, so naturally, we think they are great drivers.

Well, not all of them are, apparently. One German woman got into three car accidents in one single hour. This is normally a feat reserved for bumper cars, but the 69 year-old woman rose to the occasion and got some help along the way. First off, she drove into three cars in a supermarket parking lot, then she drove into a house.

When the medics came to treat her, they had to take her to the hospital. On the way, the ambulance was hit by a truck.

I don’t need a therapist, I need a Game Boy!

When I was in high school, I was in a car accident I luckily walked away from, yet I was still haunted by flashbacks hours later. Turns out this is a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. If only I had known about the medicinal wonders of Tetris.

Oxford University researchers who apparently have a lot of free time on their hands are saying the video game Tetris can help fight PTSD and memories of traumatic incidents if played shortly afterward. It could be used to help people involved in accidents (assuming they can use their fingers) and soldiers returning from war (same caveat).

We firmly believe there is another, older way of dealing with traumatic incidents.

War at home and abroad

Tennis is not only one of the games you can play on a Wii, it is one of the most popular racket-based sports in Western culture (right after racket puck and racket futbol). But in England, one of the sport’s most hallowed events, Wimbledon, is under attack by pigeons.

Yes, pigeons like to land on the court during matches, but the Brits have a solution that we proudly endorse: shoot the bastards. That’s right, snipers will be employed at Wimbledon to take out pigeons before they can land or make one of their treacherous carpet bombs all over your shirt. If that does not work, we recommend calling in sportsman and proud warrior Randy Johnson.

Here at home, Americans are being attacked doing things we all do regularly. For example, checking the mail can even be dangerous. A New Hampshire woman received quite a shock when she found a non-poisonous corn snake in her mailbox. Worst of all, it did not have the required postage. We all know gerbils are sneaky, lethal pets ready to snap and maul the children. In Utah, a gerbil is being blamed for an accident when it escaped from its cage as its teen owner was transporting it in her car. Two people were sent to the hospital, the gerbil has yet to be charged.