NASA uses many materials, but not Goop

“Alright, Commander Shephard. This masking tape should realign your sex chakras, which I don’t have to tell you will calm your internal seminal fluid dynamics and help you read better in low light.”

Remember those Memory Foam mattress ads (maybe they’re still on late night television) and how they’d claim they were developed for and approved by “the space agency,” complete with a weird almost, but not quite NASA-y logo? That was because, even though Memory Foam was developed for a NASA mission, you can’t use the NASA name or logo to sell things.

Well, as Gwyneth Paltrow and Body Vibe learned recently, that’s also the case for bullsh*t that NASA did not approve.

NASA issued a statement Friday that they don’t use carbon fiber materials in space suits to monitor — much less heal — astronauts’ vital signs. This was to counter claims made by Body Vibe on Ms. Paltrow’s blog lifestyle site, Goop, that their $5 to $6 body stickers can restore “our internal balance” to an “an ideal energetic frequency.” Well, we don’t have to tell you that this “calming effect” is essential for maintaining energy reserves, strengthening immune systems and alleviating “physical tension and anxiety” — that’s just Science. (And we f*ckin’ love Science.)

So, for now Goop is NASA-free until they verify Body Vibe’s claim. Which should happen any day now, we’re sure …

Correction: Scientists discover nature’s *second* hardest material

"Yep, still hardest."
“Yep, still hardest.”

News agencies around the globe breathlessly reported on their third page in the science section today that scientists have discovered the hardest natural structure in the world: the teeth of the limpet.

The limpet, contrary to whatever Don Knotts thinks it is, is a mollusk that uses tiny teeth made of the thinnest carbon fibers found to date to scrape the sea crap it eats off of sea rocks. Although the original teeth are microscopic, their make-up actually retains all of their strength when scaled larger.

‘People are always trying to find the next strongest thing, but spider silk has been the winner for quite a few years now,’ [lead study author Asa Barber] told the BBC. ‘So we were quite happy that the limpet teeth exceeded that.’

And that’s why we’re posting a correction to the story. Clearly, the limpet’s tooth is only the second hardest material found in nature; the first being found inside the lab coat of the scientist who discovered it.