You Missed It: End of 2016 edition

My drink order has arrived just in time. Get your own.

Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?

January

Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.

Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.

From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2016 edition

You Missed It: Orange is the new red state edition

Fiorina also holds the title for least successful stage dive.
Fiorina also holds the title for least successful stage dive.

I’m surprised by how many people are complaining now that there are no good candidates to vote for in the presidential election. There never were. A year ago, there wasn’t a single candidate that got me excited. I don’t know what dream you people were chasing. From the outset, the most viable candidates on either side were seen as such purely for their last names. And now we can look back on that concern as quaint and innocent. There were never any good candidates, there are just fewer bad ones to choose from. If you were busy celebrating Cinco de Mayo this week, odds are you missed it.

We live in an alternate universe
This week, Donald Trump became the presumptive Republican nominee after Ted Cruz and John Kasich dropped out of the race, thus ending Carly Fiorina’s record-short vice presidential bid. Not to be outdone, Bernie Sanders said the Democratic National Convention will be contested … for some reason. It’s good to see that poor decision making doesn’t belong to one party, isn’t it?

A challenge American can handle
It was announced that the U.S. is in the midst of a cheese surplus. According to the Department of Agriculture, a glut of milk has lead to increased cheese production. At the same time, we’re importing a lot of cheese from Europe. Cheesemongers are flooding the market. So don’t be shocked if you start seeing cheese in exciting new products, like a cheese-stuffed burger, cheese-stuffed fries, or to capitalize on the breakfast food craze, cheese-stuffed pillows.

Drivers will have hands at 6 o’clock
Analysts said this week that self-driving cars will give occupants more free time than ever, and naturally, one of the top activities will be sex. Just imagine how different driver’s ed will be if these guys are right.