Tag: cash

New trend: wiping with cash

If you’re still spending cash these days, you’re doing it wrong. One in seven British notes are contaminated with fecal matter, six percent of which were categorized as showing “gross contamination — where the levels of bacteria detected were equal to that you would expect to find in a dirty toilet bowl.”

This means only one thing: the wealthy are wiping their asses with money, just to spread diarrhoeal infections to the other 99 percent in a game that they call “Trickle Down Economics.”

But, that’s not all: eight percent of all bank cards are also grossly infected, which means only one thing: the super rich have to withdraw toilet paper from the ATM, just like the rest of us.

We’re rich!

Quick everyone, check your hundred dollar bills! What you have are limited edition objects-they’re real items!

I say this to you all because the government currently has a bit of a problem involving the green stuff (no, not the same problem that the state of California has been bringing up every two years). It would seem that the new bills that they printed, filled with all sorts of wacky and fantastic high tech security whatnots and doodads (industry terms, my friends in the information technology world tell me), might be just a wee bit too high tech for their own good. Sadly, this isn’t just a small batch of money either; no, we’re talking an amount to the tune of 1.1 billion.

The reasons for why this happened are unknown, and it’s being reported that the bills are currently being held in cash packs … for now. Who knows what fate might lie for these now government issue counterfeit bills?

Before we go, let me drop one more number on you: 120 million. That’s amount of money it took your federal government to print these bills that won’t be used. Let the ranting by the unwashed masses of the internet begin in the comments!

There are nicer ways to tip

Steve Wilson, who makes his living by picking up other people’s dog poop, stuck pay turd recently.

While cleaning up after some lazy pet owner’s mutt, he found $58 packed in pure, American dog s#@t. He cleaned up the bills, put them in a (presumably) clean plastic bag and returned them to the customer.

We’d like to remind our readers that Mr. Wilson is a professional. If you or someone you know finds a lost dog turd containing money, please deposit said stool at the nearest police precinct.

I forgot what?

HEY CITIZEN!

DO YOU WANT FREE MONEY? OF COURSE YOU DO!

PAY ATTENTION TO ME AND YOU’LL GET TONS OF CASH FROM THE GOVERNMENT EASILY AND FOR FREE! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS JUST FILL OUT A FORM CORRECTLY, NAMING YOUR ADDRESS!

Wait, what? You didn’t fill out your address correctly? As in, the place where you live? And by you, I mean over 41,000 Japanese citizens?

Lame.