Tag: Catholic Church

You Missed It: Can’t spell ‘hurricane’ without ‘eh’ edition

You know what it’s time for, don’t you? It’s time for us to sit down quietly while I shout at you about why the president’s health care reform plan is WRONG, WRONG I TELL YOU. ADMIT IT, YOU WANT TO KILL OLD PEOPLE! Ahem. In any case, if you were busy being released from a Scottish prison this week, odds are you missed it.

Hurricanes are for hosers
The 2009 Atlantic hurricane season is finally underway! The first real hurricane, named Bill. Is churning up the East Coast as we speak. Then again, we aren’t really speaking, but trust me, the hurricane’s out there. The news media is all over this one. Finally, FINALLY they have a big storm to cover during the slowest news period of the year–and then it’s not even supposed to make landfall in the U.S. Don’t worry, news networks, I’m sure there’s another Katrina out there somewhere.

‘Somebody get a nail, a pen and paper, I’ve got some ideas to write down’
One of the largest Lutheran denominations in the country is debating whether or not it will allow gay and lesbian clergy to be in committed relationships. Currently, gays and lesbians are allowed to serve as long as they remain celebate. Ha! Finally, the Catholics are ahead of the Lutherans in something other than numbers. They have had non-celebate gay priests for decades.

All You Need Is Robert Zemeckis
If you have children, you know that they are clamoring for one thing: LSD. Luckily, Robert Zemeckis may answer your child’s prayers with a remake of the Beatles’ 1968 classic Yellow Submarine. This time, it would be done with 3D computer animation. And you guessed, Walt Disney Studios is behind this brilliant idea. You may know Zemeckis from the children’s classic Beowulf. No word yet on whether John, Paul, George and Ringo are signed on to the project yet.

You Missed It: Unofficial beginning of summer edition

I know you’re not reading this. You, just like everyone else, have already left the office, packed up the ol’ station wagon and headed out for your Memorial Day Weekend adventure. You probably won’t even read this until we’re back on Tuesday. I don’t care. It’s my job to write these things, and I know you’re going to miss this all weekend. If you were busy chasing down historical artifacts that come to life at night, odds are you missed it.

When you think ‘hip’ you think of the Vatican
Pope Benedict XVI wants to be your friend. Well, not really, he’s got plenty already. They’re called followers, and not the Twitter kind. But the pope is trying to save your soul with a new Facebook app. Our cool pope even has an iPhone app with the latest pope-related news, a YouTube channel, and a Catholic wiki. Just in time for World Communications day, His Holiness launched a website Pope2you.com (where “Pope” is capitalized, but “you” aren’t). The Facebook app lets you keep in touch with the Holy See through the wonders of social networking. Now Pope Benedict can send you messages like “I know what site you’re planning on going to after this. See you in confession tomorrow.”

Helps make sure they still have the Right Stuff
Sure, Atlantis may have been grabbing the headlines last week, but the crew of the International Space Station is laying the headline smackdown this week. Fixing space telescopes? Please. These astronauts get to drink recycled water that came from their own pee. (Wait–what?!) Every six hours, an astronaut produces about a gallon of water from their urine. It gets recycled and purified and presto! Good to drink again. There was a time when I wanted to be an astronaut. Today, I am pleased that that dream never came true.

Also, Count Duckula’s new album drops next Tuesday
Danger Mouse (the DJ in Gnarles Barkley, not the eyepatch-sporting cartoon) has made a career out of doing strange things. First, he mashed up the Beatles with Jay-Z, then he produced that horrible Gorillaz album. Now, he’s dropping a new album. There’s just one thing, the album is not on the CD being sold. Sure, you get the case, insert, all that good stuff, but the CD is blank. In fact, it’s a CD-R. Danger Mouse wants you to buy his album, then illegally download it, burn it to the CD, then enjoy. Because, you know, that makes way more sense than just illegally downloading it and put it on your iPod.

WWJE: What Would Jesus Eat?

Many chocolates claim to be divine, but sadly, they always come up short. Until now.

A German businessman is selling Jesus chocolates he calls “Sweet Lord,” just in time for the holidays Christmas. Shockingly, Protestants and Catholics in Germany are none too pleased by the entrepreneur’s attempt to bring Jesus back to his birthday party.

If you ask us, they’re really missing out on a great way to get people back in the pews on Sundays, at least for Catholics. Instead of giving out bread at communion, give out chocolate Jesuses (Jesi?). It’s still his body you’re eating, right?

Want to order some savior? You can find Jesus here.

Kermit died for your sins

The Catholic Church has officially taken a side in the War on Animals: they are against us.

Pope Benedict XVI asked that a piece of artwork depicting a frog being crucified be taken down because it is blasphemous. Oh really, Benedict (if that is your real name)? Since when is torturing the enemy not allowed in the Catholic Church?

It is this blog’s opinion that we need symbols like this to strike fear into the hearts of our enemies. Remember, God gave us domain over the animals, and they are trying to unseat us from that power, which surely makes them beasts of the devil. Does it not?

Nun too pleased

Two days ago, we told you about a beauty pageant for nuns. Today, we bring you the sad news that that pageant will never happen.

Father Antonio Rungi said the pageant was nixed after it drew criticism from his superiors in the Church. Rungi said the whole idea was misunderstood. He did not want to have nuns compete to see who was the most beautiful, it was to show how much nuns do for the world.

Honestly, how can anyone misinterpret a pageant for anything BUT showing off how truly great of a person someone is? After all, that is exactly what most pageants are about.

The Catholic Church locked in battle with zombies

Anyone who has ever been to Toledo, Spain knows that the city is littered with zombies, or as the locals call them “el zombieos.”

But after all this time, only now has the Catholic Church caught up on this danger to humanity. A parade featuring zombies, ghosts and other scary creatures has been deemed a blaspheme. The world media would have you believe that it was just some local actors parading down the street to mock the local celebration of Corpus Christi, a Catholic holiday, but we know better.

Sure, Reuters. Sure, it was just some actors dressed up and bent on offending the Church. That makes far more sense than the fact that it was a bold statement of power on the zombies’ part and only the pulpit sees fit to fight it, as it has so many other evils. Open your eyes!

Osama Bin Laden: Unfunnier than Dane Cook

Note: Today’s Osama Bin Laden coverage is brought to you by a guest SeriouslyGuy, Jay Leno’s monologue writer.

So Bin Laden released a new audio tape.  (Did you hear about this?)

In the tape, he tries out some new material about the Catholic Church and the Pope.  Yeah, that’s what we thought: too easy … just like the priests! We mean, who doesn’t have a thing for the Pope?  Certainly not his alter boys. Ba-zing!

(Oh, c’mon.  You laughed at the Spitzer-not-swallowtzer jokes.)

The sad part is that OsBiLa (that’s his nickname from entertainment reporters) didn’t go for the easy jokes.  Instead, he went after the Danish Mohammad cartoons from 2005! We mean, sure, it’s a rant, but since when did Dennis Miller wear a turban?

(We’re just kidding, folks.  Dennis is good people, like Peter the Great at a Frank Lloyd Wright exhibit.)

We’ve got a great Web site for you today!  Steely Dan is here!