Howard still be his name, though

You can still maintain your godfather credentials by muttering your way through the new Lord’s Prayer.

If you’re a lapsed Catholic who recently got dragged into Mass, you probably got thrown for a loop when you were the only one in the pew to say, “And also with you,” to your priest. Apparently, someone changed the response to “And with your spirit,” which makes no damn sense except as a gotcha. (John Mulaney knows what’s up … now.)

Well, The Guys have your backs, cultural Catholics — if only to spite those judgy church marms at your next funeral. So, heads up: the Pope is changing the Catholic Pledge of Allegiance, the Lord’s Prayer (a.k.a. the “Our Father”).

Instead of “Lead us not into temptation,” Pope Francis believes that “do not let us enter into temptation” is a better translation because apparently god does not present temptations. This is, we will remind everyone, the same god who gave us bacon, beer and motorcycle ramps.

Of course, the real hazard here isn’t just tricking Christmas-and-Easter Catholics. It’s the English language. The Pope speaks Spanish and got the new wording from France — romance countries where pretty much every sentence ends with similar sounds. (This is why Latin Music has its own Grammy’s — too easy to qualify.) So, while we’re certain the new words maintain a similar cadence in romance languages, in English, we just 11 pounds of holiness into an eight pound censer: 11 syllables into an eight syllable line.

But, if you end up tripping up communal prayer, at least take solace in knowing that some sinner is taking forever working through his penance after confession this week.

Take it from Snee: The pope still poops in the woods

Maybe Pope Francis went to wash the Huckabee off of Kim Davis.
Maybe Pope Francis went to wash the Huckabee off of Kim Davis.

Pope Francis — first of his name; ruler of guys who still wear gold chains and most of anywhere soccer is called “football;” defender of faith-based incense — just wrapped up a very successful tour of the U.S.

The Holy See went and holy saw Washington, D.C., New York City and even slummed it up (for only an afternoon) in Philadelphia. And everywhere he went, he urged us to be the kind of people we like to think we are: to take care of the poor and maybe stop arming so many dillholes. He even convinced House Speaker John Boehner to quit his job and spend more time at home with his bronzer.

All-in-all, U.S. liberals got to sleep easy knowing that the foreign leader of a faith that mostly doesn’t apply to us is one of us. Hey, we might even start going to church again!

Fortunately for all parties, Pope Frank gave us all an easy out by visiting current liberal boogey-person (because “boogeyman” is cis-clusionary), Kim Davis.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: The pope still poops in the woods

You Missed It: The new Tea Party edition

OK, maybe there's a slight resemblance.
OK, maybe there’s a slight resemblance.

In my better moments, I like to think of myself as an optimist. I try to believe that people are rational, considerate people. Then I read that Animal Planet’s mockumentary “Mermaids” got the highest ratings the network has seen in 17 years. One can only explain away so many of the viewers as getting confused with the Cher movie of the same name. No, it’s because people not only believed the show was real, but they believe that mermaids are real, too. Humans kind of suck when you think about it. If you were busy being Amanda Bynes this week, odds are you missed it.

Boiling mad about a kettle
We don’t know if Adolf Hitler was a big fan of tea, but tea is certainly a big fan of him–at least if you get your tea from the right kettle. This week, JC Penney found itself unexpectedly talked about when the internet realized that one of the tea kettles it sold kind of resembles the furher himself. The $40 kettle has since been pulled from shelves and off the store’s site.

Nothing good comes in the mail
This week, letters with what authorities suspect is ricin or another poison were sent to New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, the anti-gun group he formed, and President Barack Obama. Man, someone should make that stuff illegal. On the plus side, it’s good to see the crazies of America support the U.S. Postal Service.

We seem to cover Catholics a lot lately
Gordon Gee, the president of Ohio State University, was recorded this week saying bad things about Notre Dame. No one was really upset about the attacks aimed specifically at the school, Notre Dame sucks, it was his anti-Catholic remarks. Gee, a Mormon, said that Catholics are not trustworthy. He has since apologized for his comments and is undergoing a “remediation plan.” If only there was a Jesse Jackson of the Catholics he could ask forgiveness from.

Poland invents a box to keep your boners in

As we wait with baited breath to find out who will bring about the American apocalypse over the next four years, let’s distract ourselves with news from Poland.

Lindner, a Polish coffin company, has ruffled some Catholic feathers with their latest ad campaign, a calendar featuring topless models posing with their product line. The Church has condemned the calendar, saying that, “Human death should be treated with solemnity and not mixed up with sex.” This is a departure from Catholicism’s usual position that there is nothing they can’t associate with sex, like employment, medicine and child care.

Zbigniew Lindner, the firm’s owner, has his own idea: “We wanted to show that a coffin isn’t a religious symbol. Its a product. Why are people afraid of coffins and not of business suits, cosmetics or jewelry?”

Amen, Mr. Lindner. Because nothing gets a younger woman hotter than primo taste in coffins. You know, if you’re a rich, 90-year-old oil baron.

The faker it is, the more vile its nature

EA’s recent PR stunt at E3, in which they organized a protest outside the LA Convention Center and hand out pamphlets directing people to for their upcoming game Dante’s Inferno, was a stroke of genius. You can call it dumb, or cheap or dirty, but the fact remains that it got them a crap ton of press in both the gaming world and the mainstream, and it fooled a whole lot of people — whether they admit to be fooled or not. This would usually be what you call a successful PR move.

Not so much on all fronts. It would seem that even a fake group can offend — though, in this case, it offended those they stereotyped. Like Pavlovian dogs trained to raise their head if someone mocks an aspect of Christianity, some Christians were offended.

“‘It’s been clear for a while now that the entertainment industry views Christians on the whole as priggish, thin-skinned fun-killers,’ writes Margaret Cabaniss on her website.”

Sadly, she’s not alone in her ability to present an ironic statement about how Christians are actually hip and with-it when it comes to gaming. Catholic Video Gamers had a few choice words to say too, culminating in,

“So instead of engaging in a shamelessly anti-Christian stunt to promote your poor excuse of a product, maybe you ought to work on making this game, you know, something better than a blatant God of War rip-off and make it, ya know, something worthwhile?”

Newsflash, people: we’re talking about a game that’s already made. So your admonishment to pour the effort spent hating Christians back into making the game is moot.