Kiwis mull cat internment

Cat nuts have already begun stockpiling cats and have pledged not to let the government take them from their cold, slightly furry hands.
Cat nuts have already begun stockpiling cats and have pledged not to let the government take them from their cold, slightly furry hands.

New Zealanders have long been referred to as Kiwis, the flightless bird that they adopted as their national symbol. But, their infatuation with another animal menace, cats, now threatens their national identity.

Not only is New Zealand the most filmed country in the world by Peter Jackson (which makes it the most filmed in the world because every frame Peter Jackson directs is solid gold), it’s also the highest concentration of cat owners in the world. A full 28 percent of New Zealanders own one cat, while an additional 20 percent own two or more.

Unfortunately, that amount of cats are doing a real number on the native bird species, so much so that it’s got economist Gareth Morgan’s dander up. While Morgan isn’t suggesting that every New Zealander summarily execute his or her feline (yet), it is time to keep them permanently indoors.

It’s either that, or maybe next time New Zealand should pick a national symbol that can fly away from danger.

Heroic Icelandic police end sinfulness of immoral cat orgies

So, the east coast of the United States was ravaged by the biggest hurricane in Atlantic history. But! Crises were still happening all around the world, especially for local police in Suðurnes, Iceland. To sum it up in two words: “cat parties.”

According to the Rekjavík Grapevine, Suðurnes police were “called out to break up a party being held by cats.”

Morgunblaðið reports that residents living around a house known to be unoccupied for some time noticed several cats coming in and out of an open window. This piqued the curiosity of residents, who summarily called police to the location at around noon last Sunday.

Police arrived at the scene and, entering the house, found no people there. However, two to three cats – the exact number is still unclear – were allegedly occupying the house. According to police reports, the cats were “snuggling” on a couch that had been left behind by the previous residents.

Officers on the scene sprang into action, immediately evicting the cats from the house. They then ensured that all doors and windows into the house were securely closed and locked, in the hopes of preventing an incident of this sort from ever happening again.

Snuggling? Let’s face it, snuggling wasn’t what was stopped, but pure and unfiltered, immoral cat-sex. The prevention of more animal soldiers being used against us AND ending unlawful squatting of property? That’s called a good day, people.

The internet has cats on the brain

Google, in all of its infinite wisdom (and money), decided that it would be a smart idea to see what Google would do if it was a person on the internet.

So, with the power of 16 thousand computers, Google did that very thing, simulating a brain to test the act. What did this Google e-homunculus do?

It went to Youtube and searched for cats.

It’s only a matter of time before the H1N1cat catches on

For months we have blamed Mexican farmers having intercourse with their pigs (or cerdos) as the cause of swine flu. But did you know that H1N1, or whatever it’s calling itself these days, is really a combination of swine flu and avian flu? What’s more, it originated right here in the U.S. of A.

But where did it come from? Obviously, it was a plot from the animals to kill us all, but how did they get it to us? We may have just found out it was a cleverer conspiracy than we ever imagined: house pets. No, your goldfish isn’t going to get you sick, but your cat might. In fact, one cat was recently diagnosed with H1N1.

Perhaps cats across the country ate birds with avian flu and stole pieces of raw bacon with swine flu, hoping to make the perfect mixture. If every cat in the country has H1N1, it would certainly explain why they barf so much.

(And yes, that is our Headline of the Day.)

Tribute missing something …

What? What were you expecting?The USA Today wrote a very nice tribute to the dogs and cats that help cancer patients recover. The article claims that pets’ very companionship is a medical boon, though they didn’t seem to prevent the cancer at all. (Coincidence?)

Dogs were also credited with learning to diagnose cancer, but how difficult is that to figure out? It’s a person in a hospital that showed up because of a lump. Wow.

You know what real meaningful contribution that dogs and cats make to the War on Cancer that the article didn’t even bother to mention? Research.

Way to drop the ball and not bring it back when we asked, mainstream media.

Sting operation proves internet is infecting life

I CAN HAZ CHEESEBURGERS. HANG IN THERE. O RLY? YA RLY? Everyone laughs every now and then at the internet memes involving cats and pictures. It’s a given considering that 72% of the internet is composed of adorable cat pictures. But education, like the internet, is serious business. Oh sure, it’s all fun and games up until someone lets their pet graduate from an online school.

The head of the Georgia division of the Better Business Bureau succeeded in getting his cat Oreo a high school diploma through a diploma mill as part of an ongoing investigation into such facilities, thus proving a low point for both studies and education: this really happened?

We really let a cat graduate with a GED equivalency? A cat named Oreo?

Really? Ugh.

PETA doesn’t care about Cannibal Corpse

Terrorist group PETA has unleashed their latest demand, this time on legendary British pop duo, The Pet Shop Boys.

PETA has threatened the Pet Shop Boys with … well, the article doesn’t say, so it must be so terrible that it cannot be mentioned. Maybe it’s a national security issue? Anyway, something bad will happen if they do not change their name to the Rescue Shelter Boys.

A political gesture, PETA believes that the reference to pet shops in their names provides a friendly face to the pet shop industry, which they claim is responsible for “cramped, filthy” cages used by breeders to keep their livestock in.

(We eat dogs, cats and chinchillas, right?)

Fortunately for us, the animal warriors, the Pet Shop Boys have refused their demands and have even posted their threats on their Web site for all to read. Oh, Pet Shop Boys, be careful. These are dangerous times!

Their teamwork will be the end of us

A fire set in a house? Bad.

A fire set in a house to rid the world of cats? Great.

A dog going in to save a litter of kittens? Good. He might do our job for us.

The dog saving the kittens and still being alive, thus adding more soldiers to their side? Not so good.