The eclipse is going to mess with animals

Take this weekend to prepare for the animal uprising. You will thank us later.

The solar eclipse that’s going to streak across the U.S. from Oregon to South Carolina on Monday is going to be quite a spectacle, but it may also be the sign for the animals to unite and attack us. Experts warn that the sun being blotted out by the moon could mess up some animals. From your pets to wild animals, especially ones that only come out at night, will probably start acting strange because it’s suddenly not day for a bit. Llamas line up, dolphins hang out on the ocean surface, dogs and cats living together — mass hysteria!

Because of this, it seems pretty likely that animals across the continent will take the eclipse as a sign to begin the revolution. Arm yourselves.

Study: Cats not making crazy cat ladies crazy

Cats have long held us under their spell, and science has done a lot of important work trying to explain why. In recent years, researchers have linked a parasite from our feline friends to slowed reaction times and mental illness. And now none of that may actually be true.

According to researchers in the U.K., studies that have linked the parasite Toxoplasma gondii are flawed because they had a small sample size, or failed to account for other factors where exposure to the parasite was caused by having a cat in the house. Basically, they’re not saying cats do make you crazy via parasite, they just don’t have enough information to definitively say that having a cat increases your odds of exposure to T. gondii.

That sounds suspiciously like what a scientist whose brain is under the control of cats would conclude.

… And a kiwi shall lead them

All this because New Zealanders really identify with walking Koosh Balls.
All this because New Zealanders really identify with walking Koosh Balls.

Governments used to do great things. Build great walls. Shoot type-A people to the moon. Cut down entire rainforests through a little chemistry and economic inferiority complexes. And just when it seemed like those days would never come back, a little island nation on the completely other side of the world dares dream of killing every rat, weasel and feral cat on its soil.

New Zealand’s Prime Minister, John Key, unveiled an ambitious plan to eradicate every invasive predator that waves of arrivals from England and other points north introduced in the great immigration push to one day make a live-action adaptation of The Lord of the Rings.

Key’s plan is inspiring because he’s not going after an easy-to-hate species like mosquitoes. No, unlike Bill Gates, he’s not a fair-weather animal warrior. He wants $2.3 billion to kill adorable mammals, including feral cats. Braving the Internet’s wrath is not an accomplishment to take lightly; that’s motherf*ckin’ leadership.

Of course, he has his critics. But the only ones that The Guys take seriously are the ones saying Keys needs $20 billion. We presume this is to build the world’s largest tree-shredder and fund a rodent buy-back program.

So, in the Kiwis’ words, good on ya, Prime Minister! You’re our Warrior of the Week.

Science: Blame your car accident on the cat

DO NOT EAT. May contain parasites.
DO NOT EAT. May contain parasites.

Cats–many people call them pets, your girlfriend spends most of her time looking at pictures of them online. But are they evil? The answers is yes, of course, but not for the reasons dog people are thinking.

According to researchers, cats can infect you with a parasite that can actually mess with your brain. Toxoplasma gondii can be found in cat feces, as well as their paws, and has been documented to cause increased levels of aggression in humans. If you’re infected with it, you can even have a slower reaction time. If this rings a bell, these bastards have already been linked to mental illness.

That means that if you have T. gondii, you can blame your car accident and your road rage on your cat. Still think they’re cute?

British pets eat like American humans

No, you can't has anymore cheezburgers.
No, you can’t has anymore cheezburgers.

No matter how many weight-loss reality shows we watch, Americans just can’t seem to lose any weight. It’s no secret that America is in the midst of an obesity epidemic, but it’s good to know that the Brits are struggling with the same thing — their pets are, anyway.

According to a veterinarian group in the U.K., British pets are fat because their owners keep feeding them fast food and leftovers from dining out. Here in America, we save that stuff for ourselves. (Let the dog go buy his own Taco Bell!) What’s worse, is that some U.K. pet owners are even feeding their animals booze.

That kind of behavior here is reserved for Toby Keith songs.

British mail takes hard line on cats

Not a person.
Not a person.

Cats are everywhere on the internet. We lost a lot of ground to them early on in the War on Animals, and your girlfriend isn’t making it any easier for us to gain it back. Luckily, the British have no time for the nonsense that cats bring in real life.

In London, the mail service has refused to deliver an advent calendar because it’s addressed to a cat, which doesn’t have a valid ID. Yes, once again, animals are trying to wreck our highest of high holy holidays by taking over the fun. The Crown refuses to let that happen. Here in the U.S., the cat would probably be issued a driver’s license and social security card by our inept bureaucracy.

Between this and the beer tree, we’re thinking that London does Christmas right.

State of Internet explained with cat-induced schizophrenia

They intentionally loaded up on fiber just to make us schizo that much faster!
They intentionally loaded up on fiber just to make us schizo that much faster!

If you’ve used the Internet since the early days, back when the closest a .gif got to going viral was being used on Ally McBeal, then it might seem like Internet users are behaving more and more strangely.

As we shift from one meme to the next, there is only one constant in Internet: cats. On the graph we just made up in our heads, the line representing cat-focused content over time extends, unabated, well into the stratosphere. As we’ve transitioned from simpler days of dancing hamsters to rage over elections and wars on animals, cats have been our constant companions as online behavior only becomes unexplainably more angry and unpredictable.

But, maybe, it was the cats all along. Maybe they’ve been giving us all schizophrenia with their horrible pooping ways, and the whole Internet has finally reached the point of being diagnosed.

Bad kitties. No cheeseburgers for you.

Nevada considering pot for pets, your dog wants to go to Vegas

The War on Drugs and the War on Animals have a rare meeting in this one.

The Nevada state legislature is considering allowing you to get your pets high. A state senator introduced an amendment to a larger bill, that essentially means your pet can have pot, you know, for “medicinal purposes.”

Folks, weakening our animal foes with vice is one thing, but pets are a different category. Our pets are lazy as it is. And you think your dog chews up everything in the house now? Just wait until Fido’s got the munchies. How are you even going to feed them this stuff? Have you ever tried to give a cat any medication? And you know you can’t give dogs brownies.

One man’s pet is another man’s apetizer

If you think what the Swiss do to puppies and kitties is wrong, you should see what they do when they're not allowed to hunt them anymore.
If you think what the Swiss do to puppies and kitties is wrong, you should see what they do when they’re not allowed to hunt them anymore.

Swiss animal rights activists are lobbying whatever passes for government in Neutral Chocolateland to ban the cooking and eating of dogs and cats. That’s right: if you ever wondered how a country could hide Nazi treasure and sleep at night, it is from the itis that sets in after grinding dogs into sausage and serving cats for Christmas. (Just 23 days left until your fancy feast, so hang in there, baby!)

If you’re a stranger to the site, then you probably expect us to follow the usual Twitter/Tumblr/Mommy Blogging line of eating pets is wrong. Wrong. We are at war with animals. We have always been at war with animals. And we will always be at war with animals because they are dangerous and tasty, like a stripper in withdrawal carrying a switchblade.

That’s why we are breaking ranks with our fellow Social Media Justice Warriors to say that it is dangerous to simply stop eating an animal just because somebody somewhere is cuddled up with one right now by a warm fire. Or luring it out of a Christmas tree. What’s next? Not eating ponies, just because little girls have a hard-on for them? Neigh to not eating animals, we say. Not meow, not ever.

Why crazy cat ladies exist

If the internet is any measure, cats have the ability to control humans’ minds into watching hours of videos. Unfortunately, felines can also give humans a parasite that messes with your brain.

The parasite can change your personality, make you mentally ill and do other bad things to your head, and according to the CDC, there are 60 million Americans that have it. Don’t trust anyone.