A fire set in a house? Bad.
A fire set in a house to rid the world of cats? Great.
A dog going in to save a litter of kittens? Good. He might do our job for us.
The dog saving the kittens and still being alive, thus adding more soldiers to their side? Not so good.
Two valiant heroes in Canada have been unfairly punished. UNFAIRLY! While clearly on a fact finding reconnaissance mission around their neighborhood, said teens and their friends made their way into a domicile. Obviously defending themselves, they threw the feline monster in the closest holding cell available-that just happened to be a microwave.
Now, here’s where it gets a little weird. The Alberta residents responsible for this act have been banned from violent video-games for a year as part of their punishment. Huh? I mean, I can understand being made to stay 500 feet away from Viva Pinata or any of the Pokemanz, but how does one specifically classify a “violent video-game”?
Frankly, we here at SG feel that a medal should be awarded, not a punishment. Anytime a cat is named “Princess”, it’s almost a given that it’ll will be a nusicance to the public. But hey, that’s just our perogative. In the meantime, make sure to head down to Gamestop to pre-order the latest iteration coming in the “Cat Zapper” series!
In the War on Animals, we’re not above celebrating when animal factions fight against each other. Heck, we wish they would all just wipe themselves out and save us the effort.
However, we don’t need certain wars getting out of hand.
Take, for instance, the centuries-long Dog-Cat War: we’ve supplied the dogs in their effort because they’re easier to boss around. When they finally defeat cats, we’ll just tell them to stop breathing in a stern voice.
But cats have unleashed (heh) a terrible new weapon on dogs: the mountain lion.
This is a slippery slope, cats. You just brought a lion to a catfight.
In a double-gut punch, animals have struck our steely nerves with a pneumatic hammer. (Fortunately, they could not affect our resolve in the War on Animals.)
A Tibetan Lama is going bless detained cats at a Boston-area animal “shelter.” That’s right: Tibet is actively undermining all the enhanced interrogation techniques we’ve used to destroy these cats’ religion by giving them a new one — in this case, Buddhism.
Now these cats won’t care if we threaten to drown them or give them leukemia: they’ll just be reborn as a giraffe or something. This is just what we’d suspect from a lama: a direct spit in our face.
This could have been another “Free Tibet” blog post, but no! That ship has sailed.
Yes, you read that right. Los Angeles, Calif. is leading the fight against animal-kind, now with a law “requiring most cats and dogs to be spayed or neutered by the time they are 4 months old.”
How will this be possible? They are using a van. (No, seriously.)
“Councilman Richard Alarcon, who […] is a co-author of the bill, brought his two pet Chihuahuas to the event to be neutered in a van operated by the city.”
Of course, we are talking about Hollywood here, so there are some shady exceptions, like “those that have competed in shows or sporting competitions, guide dogs, animals used by police agencies and those belonging to professional breeders.”
So, this doesn’t prevent another direct-to-DVD Air Bud, but it is a step that most cowards are too afraid to take in the War on Animals. Congratulations, LA: you’re our Warrior of the Week.
Meatloaf was just a regular cat … we thought. This is where trusting these monsters because they are furry and sometimes look like Ewoks becomes dangerous.
Meatloaf resides in his native Florida. Why then did the cat sneak a ride all the way out to Arizona? What was the cat really after? Why hijack a a container? We are assembling a SeriousTeam to investigate the matter. But for now, beware.
