Between the Rock and a hard drink

UCLA archaeologists uncovered the world’s oldest winery, stretching humanity’s history with crunk juice all the way back to 4000 BC now. The ancient Armenian wine was believed to be used for funerals, usually held daily between 5 and 8 pm. It is believed to have evolved into “Happy Hour” once hygiene was invented.

But, that’s not the real story.

Every so often, the real story gets buried in the later paragraphs. Say, story, what was the oldest use of grape seeds before this discovery?

“The oldest previous evidence of grape seeds and other organic materials dates to around 3150 BC and was found in the tomb of the Egyptian king Scorpion I.”

That’s right: there really was a Scorpion King. And here we thought that was the most ridiculous of all the Mummy films.

You’re going down, Osama and Jimmy

A senior NATO official believes Osama Bin Laden may be living in a house in northwestern Pakistan, not in an Afghan cave as we previously thought. He further said that locals and Pakistani intelligence officials are protecting his location.

But, before we send the military rushing into yet another Muslim country, SeriouslyGuys brings NATO this breaking news announcement:

We have reason to believe that Bin Laden is neither in a cave nor in a house, but in the bedroom of one Jimmy Krapplewitz. Our intel indicates that Jimmy’s been hosting the 9/11 mastermind in his parents’ Great Falls, VA townhouse along with our Secret Wars #1, winning POG slammer and pictures of what may be Katey Jorkin’s mom’s boobs.

Go forth, you Coalition of the Willing! Go forth and bring our stuff back get that S.O.B.!

Enemy of our enemy still our enemy

We just bearly found him.For a Web site, we’re fighting a lot of wars. There’s the War on Animals, the War on Education, the War on Aliens (a.k.a. weatherballoons) and our national pasttime, the War on Terror.

It was only natural that they would eventually overlap like when a bear killed two Hizbul Mujaheedin in Kashmir that had hidden in its cave.

Nice try, bears. Those guys weren’t even the “kill America” variety, though part of the larger Taliban network in Pakistan and Afghanistan. For all we know, you only killed them to hide your own WMD (Weapons of Man’s Destruction) labs.

Moreover, two terrorists doesn’t make us jake one bit. Bring us the snuffled and honey-soaked head of Osama Bin Laden, though, and we’ll talk.

Until then, the enemy of our enemy is still our enemy.