For those who plan to watch the 55th Annual Grammy Awards, but worry about how the artists being honored on it will offend your sensibilities, don’t you fret: CBS has got this s**t covered. And by s**t, we mean “buttock crack” and “female breast nipples.”
The broadcasting company distributed a memo to all invited attendees, advising them to keep their “buttocks and female breasts […] adequately covered.” This is best accomplished by eschewing “thong-type dresses” and outfits with “bare sides or under curvature of the breasts.” (We’re still talking about female breasts, right? Can Diddy still wear a plunging neckline?)
Viewers will have to settle for being offended by whatever the attendees say in acceptance speeches and the lyrics of their songs, instead. You know, because music is terrible now, but god forbid you find something better to watch than an awards show.
You know you were waiting for it. To some degree, I was too. I’m not speaking about the fact that it’s Friday, but that YMI is here once again. There’s also a little excitement about the weekend and all that, but whatever. If you were busy waiting a UFO at a theme park this week, odds are you missed it.
And that’s the way it is Reports are coming in that legendary news anchor Ron Burgundy Walter Cronkite, 92, is very sick and will likely die. The CBS news man reached an iconic level for his 19 years anchoring, as well as reporting for several decades. Cronkite stood as shining example of what broadcast journalism could be–unbiased, un-opinionated and unflinching, which are now seen as quaint little ideas in the news media today. Since he’s sick, I’m going to call it right now. Walter Cronkite is dead and will be missed dearly. If only it were Dan Rather
America’s mistress industry needs bailouts
Up-and-coming GOP Sen. John Ensign admitted this week that he had an affair (with a woman). Normally, this is enough to get you in trouble in Washington, but there’s more. It turns out that Ensign was using taxpayer money to pay her and her family for a while. So that’s the moral and fiscal responsibility Republicans keep preaching about!
Freedom is the only way
North Korea is at it again, it seems. The country announced that it plans to fire a missile in the Pacific Ocean toward Hawaii sometime soon, possibly on the Fourth of July. Much of the world is watching anxiously, as Kim Jong Il and his evil army have access to numerous chemical and biological weapons. In other news, Team America 2 is coming this summer. F$%* yeah.
Someone notify David Caruso that he doesn’t have to take off his shades–this case has been solved!
So, remember earlier in the month when SG reported that Japanese police launched a full scale investigation over the “murder” of a real-doll? If you don’t, well, you’re probably making them happy about that. Naturally, the police have been a wee bit irritated after being humiliated in front of the world. As such, they launched an investigation that made headlines at home and abroad–which almost seems slightly counter-conducive to their feelings. Nonetheless, after seeing the trouble he caused, the body dumper, a 60-year-old Izu man, contacted police to confess. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!
It seems that this man had lived with the high-tech sex doll for some years after his wife passed away. He apparently wanted to ditch it before he continued with his plans to move in with one of his children. It’s good that he’s not living up to the stereotype of creepy old pervert dude.
“It seems he grew attached to the doll over the years,” said the chief investigator. “He was confused about how to get rid of her. He thought it would be cruel to cut her up into pieces and throw her out with the trash, so he proceeded to dump her illegally.”
As it would seem, it was never his intent to fool others and pass his sex doll off as a body. He now faces fines for breaking the Waste Management Law. It seems that we just haven’t made efficiently environmentally friendly real-dolls.
Japanese police launched a full-scale murder investigation after the gruesome discovery of body bound, gagged and wrapped in plastic … that was actually just a life-size sex doll. Oopsies. It’s so easy to mistake soft plastic with flesh, after all.
Hey, CBS, you interested in CSI: Tokyo? You could really revolutionize the forensics investigators show genre by making an actual comedy. Well, one that doesn’t involve David Caruso, that is.
With a ruling that’s guaranteed to offend anyone who pretends they don’t like women’s breasts, a U.S. Appeals court has thrown out the FCC’s fine against CBS for the 2004 Super Bowl Halftime “Show.”
For those who don’t know what we’re talking about*, Justin Timberlake ripped part of Janet Jackson’s clothes off, revealing a very bizarre star-thingie … and a boob somewhere under that. Half the nation was appalled–demanding that the FCC babysit for them–while the other half thought they were clever to joke about the Levitra commercials.
Well, it’s all settled now: the possibly-modified breast did, in fact, make a Super Bowl Halftime Show remotely watchable for the only time in the game’s history.
And now, readers, as you were.
*SeriouslyGuys would like to wish a very happy birthday to devoted reader Hunter Cramdale, who just turned four-years-old! Hunter, your Booze News stein is in the mail and be sure to ask your parents about Janet Jackson’s honkers.
CBS’s newest show, Swingtown, is no stranger to controversy. Before it even aired for the first time on this past Thursday evening, some people were calling for the heads of the producers due to events taking place in the show that they hadn’t even seen yet not happen! Shocking!
Personally, I can understand his plight. It’s just like that time I said that it would be cool if dinosaurs still existed and then Jurassic Park ripped me off! I mean, I had been saying that since I was at least 4, and what happens when I’m 9 years old? The movie comes out! That monster!