CDC warns hipsters may ironically get anthrax from shaving

Everything was just more elegant back then.

Some guys are really into shaving. They’re so into it that they rebel against those super-expensive, multi-bladed monsters, and instead go for expensive, vintage shaving tools to feel fancy. But these guys could be giving themselves old school anthrax.

The Centers for Disease Control has put out a warning to hipsters everywhere that their vintage shaving brushes could come with free vintage anthrax spores. Back around World War I there was a pretty bad outbreak of head and face anthrax in the U.S. and U.K. Researchers are concerned that brushes from before 1930 will carry these anthrax spores and cause a new outbreak among hipsters. All it takes is a nick in the skin for the spores to enter your body and before long, you’ve got swelling, bumps and blisters that could potentially kill you.

But hey, using some other guy’s old shaving stuff is so cool.

You Missed It: Said and done edition

The best part of the debate was before it even happened.
The best part of the debate was before it even happened.

Have you ever noticed that the people who complain about political posts on social media are the ones who post the worst stuff? They’re always the ones who share inspirational quotes, or food pictures, or a million selfies. In a non-election year, I hate hearing about your politics, too. But this is important, and people who have something to say about it have more value in my feed than cat pictures. If you were busy writing a long-winded takedown of Rick’s column this week, odds are you missed it.

Debate noticeably Boneless
The third and mercifully final presidential debate took place this week, and it was the most noted for not going off the rails for once. The biggest moment of the night was when Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump a puppet, to which the orange one replied that he wasn’t a puppet, but if he were to be one, he “would be the best, most elaborate and entertaining puppet you’ve ever seen, bleveme.”

Clap back
A report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention this week found that STD rates in the U.S. rose last year. The reported cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis all rose dramatically. Also up last year: reality dating shows.

Woman defies fast food, reaches 100
A 100-year-old woman in Pennsylvania was given a surprise birthday party at her local McDonald’s, and given a certificate for free food for life at that fast food restaurant. In future news, 101-year-old woman dead of heart attack.

You Missed It: Risky drinking edition

Women officially make worse life choices than you.
Women officially make worse life choices than you.

I think we need to stop making fun of other people’s cultures. Not because they are our equals (we’re way better than them), but because of Groundhog Day. For some reason, we have this day where everyone waits to see what a single groundhog in some backwoods told in Pennsylvania has to say about winter. At some point in American history, people thought this was an accurate sign of how the weather would be. Lots of towns did this groundhog thing. Then we all decided that Punxutawney, Pennsylvania had the most accurate groundhog, and each town ended their own ceremonies. There’s no feast, we don’t send cards, we just read the headline that morning, and maybe watch a Bill Murray movie. If you were busy winning the Iowa caucuses this week, odds are you missed it.

Women need to start worrying
This week, the Centers for Disease Control said that women of childbearing age should stop drinking unless they are on birth control, because if they get pregnant and don’t know it, the booze could hurt their children. Also, the World Health Organization declared the Zika virus outbreak a “public health emergency.” So in all, it was a banner week for women’s health.

Robo Tiger Woods has arrived
Researchers built and programmed a robot that can swing a golf club. In fact, it hits the ball so well that it got a hole-in-one on the on a source in Scottsdale, Arizona on the same hole that Tiger Woods once did the same in 1997. I’m calling it now, once this robot gets caught cheating on his robot wife, he will never win another major again.

The last time you’ll hear from Johnny Manziel
Authorities say soon-to-be ex-Cleveland Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel struck and threatened his ex girlfriend this week. The victim said he threatened to shoot her and himself. Luckily, no one was in any danger, because if anyone applied pressure, his aim would have been off.

CDC: People who can’t handle their booze costing us money

It’s an old adage that when the economy is bad, alcohol sales go up. But what if those alcohol sales are what’s holding back the economy in the first place?

According to a new report from the Centers for Disease Control, hangovers in the workforce cost the U.S. billions of dollars annually. In the year 2010, the iPad was introduced, the finale of Lost left a lot of questions unanswered, and Rick Snee was waging a war to pronounce it “Twenty-Ten.” It was also a hard-drinking year for Americans, which cost the economy a total of $249 billion, up from $223.5 billion in 2006. Slower working, calling in sick, property damage and more were blamed on boozing and hangovers.

America, it’s not hard: Just drink water. Drink some right now, and drink some more in an hour. Do that, and with a large cup of coffee on the assist, tomorrow morning won’t be so bad.

1 woman today equals 1 man in 1960s, report says

We’ve still got work to do, but it’s something.

According to the Centers for Disease Control, the average American woman now weighs about the same as the average man did in the 1960s, roughly 166 pounds. For women, it’s an 18.5% increase from 50 years ago. In the same time, American men have ballooned 17.6%, to 196 pounds. The report doesn’t say this, but it’s probably because back then everyone was smoking, and now they’re not.

But honestly folks, there are no excuses. We need to close the weight gap and we need to do it now.

Animals now trying to ruin the good name of bourbon

What’s in a name? Ownership, status, power … even marketing. The right name can be all that matters and what proves the difference between good and bad. After all, you don’t see a whole lot of Sally Hitlers running around.

So that’s why the Bourbon virus bothers us. Bourbon is delicious and full of uses. One of those uses, despite what ticks in Kansas would have you believe, is to not be a part of an illness. The CDC discovered a new virus in a recently deceased Kansas man, having been found with multiple tick bites. Rather than come up with a scientific Latin name for the virus, the scientists named it after the county where the man lived (warning: autoplay). Because that’s what we expect from smarties.

Alcohol gets a lot of bad press. Being connected to a disease ain’t gonna swing it in the direction of good.

You Missed It: Break time is over edition

Senate Minority Leader Nick Fury will get things done by force.

It’s 2015 now, and that means we all start off fresh, right? No. That’s not how things work. The things that affected you before still have an effect on you now. You wake up on New Year’s Day with a hangover because of the booze you drank on New Year’s Eve. But that doesn’t mean we can’t try to change things. First, let’s stop focusing on the bad stuff in the news. You know how your grandparents who sit watching the news networks all day rant about the world coming to an end? We’re starting to all sound like that. Statistically, the world has never been a safer place. If you were busy making jokes about your rape allegations this week, odds are you missed it.

White men on campus
This week, Congress returned, looking slightly redder than it did last month. The fresh faces of new Republicans joined the worn-out, frustrated ones of lawmakers who had been there a while. One face that hasn’t been seen on Capitol Hill yet is that of Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, who injured himself exercising on New Year’s Day and is still recovering. And that’s why you should give up on your resolution to lose weight.

The Summah Olympics
The U.S. Olympic Committee chose Boston as the city it will run for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Boston beat out Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. Why Boston? Because if international sports fans can take a poverty-stricken, crime-ridden city like Rio de Janeiro, they’ll love a city where packs of Irish mooks all named Sully or Murph rove the city unmolested.

Study shows you can handle your booze
A study from the Centers for Disease Control this week found that an average of since Americans die per day from alcohol poisoning. Alcohol: still safer than driving a car.

Song now corrected to state botulism is the sweetest thing in the world

There are many, many, MANY reasons why someone should not drink prison booze. The most prevalent one should be that putting something in your body called ‘toilet wine’ cannot end well. Along with this are the questionable ingredients, the manner in which it’s made, and oh yeah, once again, it’s called ‘toilet wine.’

Nonetheless, if you need another reason, let me give one very legitimate one: botulism.

That’s right, the poison that’s also put into your eyebrows was potentially found in seven inmates in Arizona thanks to the homemade hooch that was made in a cell. The CDC has released the anti-toxin to the prison, but people, if it’s not sealed, just don’t drink it.

It sucks a little less (or more) to be a teen

The National Center for Health Statistics, a division of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, reports that oral sex among teens has gone down — yeah, we said it — steadily since 2002 acoording to their latest research from 2010.

As of today, 41 percent of girls and 47 percent of boys aged 16 to 19 reported reaching third base. And, of 15 to 24 year olds, it was overwhelmingly a rounding third, as only 5.1 percent of girls of 6.5 percent of boys didn’t go all the way home. (This study says that home is where your vagina is. We guess the ass is more of a hotel or resort.)

What’s a little disturbing, though, is that those precentages are based on receiving. Boys, some of you aren’t returning the favor. To quote Han Solo: get in there, you big, furry oafs! We don’t care what you smell.

Whoop! (-ing Cough Is Up!)

Please cover your mouth when you cough.

The world is ending before us. Why do I say that? Because whooping cough, the cough that’s as awesome as 90’s rap duo Tag Team, is back and with a vengeance. Daaaarrk vengeaaaaaaance. The CDC is reporting that the number of whooping cough cases are up, higher than they’ve been in the past five years. How can we stem the tide of this contagion?

Please cover your mouth when you cough.

Also, vaccinations are great. Take that, Jenny McCarthy and Rob Schneider! Oh, and covering your mouth when you cough. If you must cough uncovered, make sure it’s at an animal.