There are many, many, MANY reasons why someone should not drink prison booze. The most prevalent one should be that putting something in your body called ‘toilet wine’ cannot end well. Along with this are the questionable ingredients, the manner in which it’s made, and oh yeah, once again, it’s called ‘toilet wine.’
Nonetheless, if you need another reason, let me give one very legitimate one: botulism.
That’s right, the poison that’s also put into your eyebrows was potentially found in seven inmates in Arizona thanks to the homemade hooch that was made in a cell. The CDC has released the anti-toxin to the prison, but people, if it’s not sealed, just don’t drink it.
The National Center for Health Statistics, a division of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, reports that oral sex among teens has gone down — yeah, we said it — steadily since 2002 acoording to their latest research from 2010.
As of today, 41 percent of girls and 47 percent of boys aged 16 to 19 reported reaching third base. And, of 15 to 24 year olds, it was overwhelmingly a rounding third, as only 5.1 percent of girls of 6.5 percent of boys didn’t go all the way home. (This study says that home is where your vagina is. We guess the ass is more of a hotel or resort.)
What’s a little disturbing, though, is that those precentages are based on receiving. Boys, some of you aren’t returning the favor. To quote Han Solo: get in there, you big, furry oafs! We don’t care what you smell.
Please cover your mouth when you cough.
The world is ending before us. Why do I say that? Because whooping cough, the cough that’s as awesome as 90’s rap duo Tag Team, is back and with a vengeance. Daaaarrk vengeaaaaaaance. The CDC is reporting that the number of whooping cough cases are up, higher than they’ve been in the past five years. How can we stem the tide of this contagion?
Please cover your mouth when you cough.
Also, vaccinations are great. Take that, Jenny McCarthy and Rob Schneider! Oh, and covering your mouth when you cough. If you must cough uncovered, make sure it’s at an animal.
The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released the results of their latest headcount of American cigarette smokers and found that more of them have learned to just lie to their doctors about the amount they smoke.
The amount of proud idiots who still tell their physicians that they smoke more than 30 cigarettes a day are down to a mere 8.3 percent. Meanwhile, casual smokers have retreated into the closet with the “one-a-dayers” — only 78.2 percent foolishly admit to smoking every day, and of those that do, over 21 percent were able to at least claim they smoke less than 10 cigarettes a day.
Medical professionals are encouraged by these latest numbers, but are concerned that the rate of smokers learning to lie is slowing. Dr. Tim McAfee, director of the CDC Office on Smoking and Health, believes that intensified efforts to make adults feel guilty about their health decisions could raise this five-year period’s rate of closeted smoking.
“We know what works: higher tobacco prices, hard-hitting media campaigns, graphic health warnings on cigarette packs, and 100 percent smoke-free policies, with easily accessible help for those who want to quit,” said Dr. McAfee.
The CDC has conducted a survey over the past four years, poling (heh) over 1.3 million people to learn if they’re happy. (Before you suddenly fiscal conservatives go crazy, remember: four years ago.)
Organized by state, it appears that Louisiana is numbah one.
Of course, part of their data was collected before Hurricane Katrina, and part of it afterwards, yet they still managed to average happiest over states like Florida, Hawaii and Wyoming, which everyone knows is called “the Happy State.”
Factors that raised states like Hawaii and Florida to the top and states like New Jersey and Antipathy (a secret volcanic island off the Jersey Shore where the government tests wild dog repellent on newborns) included climate, crime rates, air quality and schools.
Of course, it wouldn’t be a news story about a study unless someone reached startlingly untenable conclusions based on research that wasn’t present and ignores the other 48 states in between the top and bottom results: the USA Today believes faith is the the reason why Louisianna beat out New York. Well, you know what they say about ignorance.
Thanks to quite a few of you out there, chlamydia and syphilis — which were supposed to be almost extinct — are making a comeback.
The U.S. Center for Disease Control reports that the number of chlamydia and syphilis cases are up for the third time in a row, and gonerrhea and AIDS are tagging along for the ride.
In fact, 2007 was a banner year for chlamydia: a record 1.1 million cases, and that’s only the ones we’ve counted. (The CDC estimates another 1 to 1.5 million cases go unreported.) This once endangered species is flourishing again, so much that the CDC is reopenning hunting seasons for it.
So, congratulations to all of you conversationalists and thank you for your dedication to barebacking it. Perhaps in a few year, we will once again see majestic crab-lice herds stomping through the prairies of the American heartland!
Good morning, America! How’s it hanging?
You got your coffee that barista whipped up extra special for you, using their hands? Did they get a little caramel on a finger and lick it off? It’s amazing they only nicked themselves on that bagel guillotine. Oh, these carefree days!
Oh, by the way:
THE CDC REPORTS THAT THERE’S MORE AMERICANS WITH HIV THAN WE THOUGHT.
Well, hope you a wonderful day!