Sheep will put paparazzi out of business

The sheep are watching you, and they probably know who you are, according to science. But it gets worse, they know who our celebrities are.

Researchers at Cambridge University have found that sheep are able to recognize the faces of famous people. They trained eight sheep to recognize the faced of former President Barack Obama, actor Jake Gyllenhaal, actress Emma Watson, and some British journalist you’ve never heard of. They then held up pictures of two faces, and wouldn’t you know, the sheep were able to correctly identify which one was the celebrity.

This means they have facial recognition abilities similar to our own. And they never seem to blink.

Take it from Snee: Retrospect this

While I’m certainly glad to see more people writing thanks to the advent of blogging, twittering and other terms that were previously symptoms of pleurisy; whereas I am also elated to say goodbye to the biggest waste of a decade since the 1460s (was there any good music that decade?); and because I look forward to the Twenty-Ten future, I am officially sick of all retrospectives about this and any other decade from here on out.

To make sure one is never written again, I’ve done you all a favor and written and all-encompassing one that should work for the next hundred years.* Don’t think I’ve left out names to be vaguely correct: in 10 years’ time, you’ll have forgotten most of the “important” people of this past decade, too.

*If this template still applies after 100 years, you’re on your own because I should be dead. Hopefully of something awesome like breastclimbing or mesotheligladiator fights.

Well, it’s been another 10 years, and what a 10 years it’s been! Let’s recap the good, bad and weird from this decade. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Retrospect this

The McBournie Minute: Famous people holidays are just more fun

I have been critical of people who follow celebrities more than they do the real world–or even their own lives–in recent years, but I would now like to say that I, Bryan McBournie was wrong. It is not wrong to follow celebrities simply because they are beautiful and you don’t want to think about your crap job.

Actually, I think it’s only wrong to do that unless there is a holiday coming up.

All of a sudden, celebrities are making the holidays a little bit more tolerable. First, we have (allegedly) Tiger Woods yelling at his (alleged) wife on Thanksgiving, who is made about his unfaithfulness (allegedly). He then (allegedly) takes off in an SUV, but not before the wife (allegedly) smashes a window with an (alleged) golf club. Woods then hits a fire hydrant and tree (allegedly). Then we Charlie (allegedly) Sheen and his wife (allegedly) getting in an argument on Christmas day, with Sheen (allegedly) holding a knife at one point. I can’t wait to see that episode of Two and a Half Men. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Famous people holidays are just more fun

Fake Clint Howard says you’re welcome

"You've been a terrific audience, enjoy the splooge!"California Cryobank, a Los Angeles sperm bank, has launched a new feature on their Web site: Donor Look-a-Likes. The purpose is to give infertile couples a better idea of what their donor looks like without disclosing actual images.

Some pinch-hitting dads include: “Aaron Eckhart, Jake Gyllenhaal, Errol Flynn[,] a ‘young’ Russell Crowe,  Tom Brokaw, Tiger Woods, Stephen Colbert, Lance Bass and Adam Carolla.”

Our question? Where are the ugly donors? Are they prescreening for Clooney-types–which would be discrimination–or are there some Paul Giamatti and Carrot Top-types floating around in the back? (We realize that frozen semen doesn’t float.)

Also conspicuously absent? Non-white men.

But beyond that, let’s call this what it really is: typical L.A. emphasis on looks, minus authenticity.

The McBournie Minute: Some people don’t need their 15 minutes

You may have noticed, but right now, it’s not really a good time to be a celebrity. That is of course if you like being alive. David Carradine, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson (not to mention Billy Mays and some actors who hadn’t worked in 20 years, but let’s stick with the big ones).

Celebrities seem to be kicking the oxygen habit left and right, and this is generally a bad career move. Some can take this as a strange coincidence, but I don’t believe in coincidences (ever notice how Tuesday always follows Monday? Why is that?). Clearly, there is something behind all the celebrity deaths, and I think I know just what it is.

We have too many damn famous people and its time to cull the herd. You see, media moves faster today than it did in a month just 10 years ago, and the entertainment industry tries its best to keep up. This means that we get tired of people faster and faster. After all, you can only watch someone’s star rise so far before you’re ready to see it come crashing back to Earth in a crazy, often drug-fueled, plunge. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Some people don’t need their 15 minutes

SG Counterpoint: Your poop stinks

Every couple of days, some Internet writer thinks they’re going to hold a mirror up to frequent users and cause us to rethink how we do our Serious Business. The attacks, like in Todd Leopold’s trite little puff piece (“#@*!!! Anonymous anger rampant on Internet”), are always the same list of grievances:

  • Users are anonymous on the Internet.
  • They can say whatever they want without fear of repercussion.
  • Anyone can read what they say.
  • Some kid committed suicide because her neighbor harassed her online.
  • Therefore, we shouldn’t post angry statements on the Internet.

OK, for the sake of argument, let’s say that, yes, there are a lot of angry comments online about celebrity bad behavior, school bullies and morons, often using bad names and language.

So what? They’ve had it too good for far too long.

Americans have spent the last 200+ years not getting rebuked for doing stupid things like drunk driving, abusing their peers and spouting moronic talking points without getting called out on it. That’s how you change behavior: by posting every time someone gets away with being a poor example of humanity.

Thanks to anonymity, Internet users are able to do the one thing we can’t do in public: tell a jerk how it is. And now they have to listen, no matter how big, rich or powerful they may be.

You Missed It: CANNES!!! edition

Sen. Hillary Clinton handily defeated Sen. Barack Obama in the West Virginia primary earlier this week. Pushing the primaries on, and on, and on, and on. So if you were like John Edwards and endorsing Obama, odds are you missed it.

Black, stork to the stars
Jack Black made unintended headlines this week at the Cannes Film Festival this week when he spilled the beans that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, better known as “Angelad,” are expecting twins. There is no word yet as to which baby will be the perfect of the two and a mortal god-off is scheduled with the unborn fruit of Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan. Meanwhile, no one is paying attention to Kung Fu Panda.

Earthquakes rock China
A Richter 7.9 earthquake hit central China earlier this week, and strong aftershocks have been hitting the region off and on since then. The quakes have caused thousands of deaths and left thousands more homeless. A dam was critically damaged by the tremblor but has been fixed by the military. Who else is looking forward to the Beijing Olympics this summer?

President heads to the Middle East
Fresh off his daughter’s weekend wedding, President George Bush headed to Israel this week to celebrate the country’s 60th anniversary and the peace that has fallen over the region since then. Bush then stopped off in Saudi Arabia to talk oil production with the Saudi royals. When Bush told King Abdullah he had just come from Israel, the monarch replied, “I’m sorry, where? I don’t recognize the name.”

Same sex marriage in California
On Thursday, the California Supreme Court struck down a state ban on same sex marriage, saying it was unconstitutional to keep people from marrying based on gender, just as it is with race. Same sex marriage supporters gathered outside the courthouse to hear the news and called the ruling “fabulous.”

Insert ‘bee’ pun here

Aside from whales, bees seem to be the most common animal at seems to keep posing threats to the American way. Not only are these buggers capable of harming humans regardless or age, race or creed (you have probably fallen victim to an attack at least once in your life), but they are kidnapping our celebrities.

However, they are now proving to be quite resourceful–nay, industrious–even when in captivity. A truck carrying untold numbers of bee prisoners of war in Sacramento, California flipped over, most likely due to a bee attack. The bees escaped and promptly began stinging everything in sight.

“The bees stung cops and firefighters who tried to corral them. They buzzed toward nearby businesses and forced them to shut their doors.”

See? They are attacking our bravest and finest, as well as trying to take down the economy (like that needs help). It’s the very definition of total war. It’s time we take the fight to them. Grab a can of Raid and let’s march!

Less filling, tastes Hepatitisy

As The Guys are rarely invited out to A-list celebrity events and locales, the extravagant red carpet lifestyle is still a mystery to us–a mystery we really, really don’t want to solve.

While celebrities are not often known for dangerous, self-destructive behavior (especially involving booze), they apparently love hepatitis. What’s even more surprising is that a popular Cuban bar in the West Village of New York, the Socialista, is in trouble for supplying this novelty with every drink.

Like gourmet coffee, a hepatitis cocktail is served with the special ingredient encased in fecal matter that is excreted from a genuine New York bartender. Because it’s a subtle flavor, it mixes with any liquor. The appeal is that, coupled with hepatitis A, your liver receives a double-whammy of disease, unlike those petit bourgeois who settle for cirrhosis.

How To: Fall in love


Image: “I am watching you …” by Denise Yap

According to Cole Porter (and to a lesser extent, Tank Girl), birds do it, bees do it, even hippopotami do it; let’s do it: here’s how to fall in love!

Continue reading How To: Fall in love