Tag: celebrity

Take it from Snee: The line between celebrity and reality (Costner Edition)

As I and other celebrities get older, it becomes harder to differentiate between the roles we’ve played and the regular a$$holes we used to be. (I still put my pants on one leg at a time, but each foot is bathed in frankincense before inserted into the crotch part.)

The Gulf oil leak has dominated the news, and there’s only so much left for any of us can write about plans to put BP’s greasy turd back in its oceanic butthole. I’m plum out of ideas because, as much as I’d love to come up with a solution, the only way to prevent my leaky poop metaphor is to not play with buttplugs and Ex-Lax in the first place.

But, little would I believe that Kevin Costner may be the cure. For oil. Not diarrhea. We’re back to literalism here.

Yes, the man whose only seeming qualification is a willingness to spend millions of other people’s money on Waterworld may very well save the Redneck Riviera.

To put this in perspective, if this works, Tutanka’s next trick may be to save the U.S. Postal Service, hopefully without hordes of anarchist rapists.

Or, to take this further, let’s revisit the last time I had trouble straddling the ever-diminishing line between celebrity and reality.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: The line between celebrity and reality (Costner Edition)

Take it from Snee: The line between celebrity and reality

Steven Segal is actually arresting you. You're not high.Arnold Schwarzenegger keeps his Conan Atlantean sword in his office as governor of California, a crown he won with the blood of thousands earned an office with the votes of millions.

Steven Seagal is a Sherrif’s deputy in the Jefferson Parish of New Orleans. He got the position by teaching cops there his martial arts moves and avenging their deaths endearing himself to them.

Tony Danza is a public high school teacher in Philadelphia, where he and his daughter will bond over her mother’s loss he’ll try to teach some kids English literature and maybe-a-little theater if they’re good, eh?

Could the line between celebrity fiction and reality blur any more? Here are my suggestions:
Continue reading Take it from Snee: The line between celebrity and reality

Yeah, ‘avoids the spotlight’ …

No, really. This is what a Rob Thomas might look like.According to CNN, Rob Thomas is apparently releasing a new straight-to-Starbucks solo album. He’s also so still in Matchbox 20, that 90’s band your high school girlfriend loved to dry hump to, that his band members don’t know where he is.

But the article wins the coveted SG Headline of the Day because of this quote:

“If I’m not out supporting my work, I really don’t want people to see me. I go to movie premieres — my wife and I — all the time, and nine out of 10 of those movie premieres, much to my publicist’s dismay, I get there, but I sneak around the pictures and get into the party [using the back entrance].”

Yes, Rob, that’s what happened. You didn’t want people to recognize you.

Reverse psychology FTW!

Ooook oook ooook kill kill kill

Japan would like you to know that humanity is doomed and they’ve had a hand in said dooming.

Again.

A man in Japan has been teaching Pan-kun, a particularly intelligent chimpanzee, to use water weapons on human beings. The chimp learns quite quickly once the desired technique is demonstrated, ably aping the trainer’s actions, using a hydraulic pump gun as well as a more Super Soaker-like weapon on the unsuspecting cameraman, then targeting a group of effigies, including one of show presenter Ken Shimura.

Pan-kun is actually a celebrity of sorts. Among other things he has learned to play baseball as well as make, then eat noodles. What all this adds up to is some great news for those who fear takeover by intelligent robots. Instead, we will be conquered by the intelligent animals and human subspecies, invented by the over-consumption of genetically modified food.

Our only hope? Blowing up the Statue of Liberty.

(Not really, FBI and CIA)

‘Help, I’m a Celebrity: Get Me Out of Alaska!’

And this should conclude our Sarah Palin photoshops.

In the conclusion to the reality show that just won’t get off the air, The Palins, Sarah stepped down from her position as governor of Alaska.

She thanked all the media that gathered around her and had turned her into a celebrity:

“‘So how about in honor of the American soldier, you quit making up things. And don’t underestimate the wisdom of the people [named Sarah Palin].'”

The media, of course, were confused by her reference to American soldiers. Maybe that new Hurt Locker movie? The war in … Iram or whatever?

Palin and her family then stepped into a helicopter that dropped them off at their truck, which was loaded up for their move to Beverly.

Hills, that is.

UPDATE: Michael Phelps avoids drug charges

Richland (South Carolina) County Sheriff Leon Lott said that he will not press marijuana charges against Michael Phelps. The swimmer exonerated himself by not admitting that he was smoking marijuana in the picture.

This is a relief for Phelps, but he didn’t emerge from this unaffected. He gave this statement to the youth:

“For me, it’s all about recognizing that I used bad judgment and it’s a mistake I won’t make again. For young famous people especially — be careful about the decisions you make. One bad decision can really hurt your income and the companies you endorse.“

OK, that’s a paraphrase, but when was the last time a single use of marijuana harmed a non-celebrity?

Less filling, tastes Hepatitisy

As The Guys are rarely invited out to A-list celebrity events and locales, the extravagant red carpet lifestyle is still a mystery to us–a mystery we really, really don’t want to solve.

While celebrities are not often known for dangerous, self-destructive behavior (especially involving booze), they apparently love hepatitis. What’s even more surprising is that a popular Cuban bar in the West Village of New York, the Socialista, is in trouble for supplying this novelty with every drink.

Like gourmet coffee, a hepatitis cocktail is served with the special ingredient encased in fecal matter that is excreted from a genuine New York bartender. Because it’s a subtle flavor, it mixes with any liquor. The appeal is that, coupled with hepatitis A, your liver receives a double-whammy of disease, unlike those petit bourgeois who settle for cirrhosis.