You Missed It: End of 2017 edition

There’s no other way to get through this.

Remember when it was a running joke that 2016 was the worst year ever? That was a great year compared to 2017. “Oh no, some famous people died, 2016 sucks!” It’s like 2017 heard our complaining and decided to show us what a bad year really looks like. The good news is that there’s no reason 2018 won’t be even worse. So this right now is as good as it gets. This year we were all a distracted boyfriend. We thought fidget spinners were the best and worst thing ever at the same time. We gave out the wrong Oscar for best picture. We all looked at the eclipse with special glasses — except for one guy. We punched Nazis. We ended the careers of creepy men. We debated the meaning of “covfefe.” It was the year of the clown, from Donald Trump to the remake of It. There were huge fires and massive hurricanes. There were threats of nuclear war. Let’s double-tap this awful year with a final look back. Fill up your glass and take a deep breath.

January

Going for gold
Days before the inauguration, CNN and BuzzFeed reported that President Barack Obama and President-elect Donald Trump had been briefed on a series of unverified memos from a former British spy claiming that the Russians were trying to get dirt on Trump to use as leverage against him. One of the leaked documents said Russian spies had recorded Trump getting a golden shower from some prostitutes while in Moscow. Of course Trump likes golden showers. Have you seen his mansions? Golden everything!

Gone to that big theme park in the sky
SeaWorld held its final killer whale show, marking the end of an era. The final show came just couple days after Tillikum, the killer whale in Blackfish, had died. We didn’t realize how serious SeaWorld was about retiring those whales.

Going off the path
The Trump administration banned huge swaths of the federal government from sharing scientific data. This lead to the Badlands National Park’s Twitter account to go rogue, tweeting out scientific facts that support that climate change is real and humans are the leading cause of it. We should have known that the rebellion would start with those rugged, high-socked trail guides who know how to live off the land.

February

Trump vs. Australia
President Donald Trump and Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull had a phone conversation, and it did not go well. At one point, Trump criticized a refugee agreement between the U.S. and Australia, and eventually he hung up on Malcolm. Sen. John McCain called Australia Ambassador Joe Hockey (who should really be the Canadian ambassador) to smooth things over between the two countries. It was the good-cop-bad-cop routine has ever been used in international diplomacy, this should be interesting.

Phones can start wars
Kids are always texting and tweeting on the cell phones, right? No one thinks that it’s a bigger problem than Pope Francis. During an address to some students, His Holiness advised the kids to put their phones down at the dinner table and have a real, face-to-face conversation with adults, or else it’s “the start of war if there is no dialogue.” However, the students were too busy plotting their war against adults via text message.

New level of s*&^$y performance
A band made headlines after a failed enema stunt on stage got them banned from a venue in Houston. According to the bar owner, Sonic Rabbit Hole performed on stage, and then one band member gave another member an enema, and the bag burst. And that, Mr. President, is why we need to support the arts.

March

Russia still way better than U.S. in coverups
FBI Director James Comey took the unusual step of confirming that his agency is investigating President Donald Trump’s campaign team and the Russians, and the list of campaign officials who met with the Russians continued to grow. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer denied that there was any wrongdoing, saying that Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale were just family friends.

Police get a win for Brady
Authorities announced that they found the stolen Super Bowl jersey of Tom Brady, the greatest quarterback ever to play the game, as well as his missing jersey from his Super Bowl victory two years earlier. The jerseys were reportedly stolen by a journalist and taken to Mexico, where they were later found. The Breitbart version of that story: Mexico sent its dishonest media to steal a hardworking white American’s shirt off his back.

Not to mention that candlestick was oozing sex
The live-action Beauty and the Beast opened in theaters to rave reviews of women who remember the 90s. The movie faced a boycott from conservative Christian mothers who didn’t like that there was a gay character in the movie. They said that a kid’s movie about Stockholm syndrome and a bunch of enchanted household objects trying to get their buffalo-man boss laid is one thing, but a gay person is going too far.

April

White girl solves racism
Pepsi released an ad that featured noted young rich person Kendall Jenner joining a crowd of protesters holding signs reading “Join the Conversation!” and giving a police officer a can of Pepsi. The ad was criticized for trivializing the Black Lives Matter movement to sell sugar water. Executives were shocked that a crowd of diverse stereotypes, music, and a message so general that it’s meaningless didn’t work. After all, it worked for Coke 46 years ago.

For those who only look like they work hard
This decade, whatever we end up calling it, probably isn’t going to be known for its fashion. A week after those clear-legged jeans hit the market, Nordstrom answered back with jeans that already look muddy. For just $425, you can dress like the day laborers you pay less than minimum wage.

It’s never OK to joke about suicide
Netflix faced criticism over its show 13 Reasons Why and its depiction of suicide. Critics said that the sensitive topic should have been handled more responsibly, and that it’s way too early to be profiting off of the Aaron Hernandez story.

May

You’ve got worms
The WannaCry worm infected computers around the world. Called ransomware, the worm held the hard drives of infected Windows computers for ransom, demanding payment in Bitcoin. It struck hundreds of thousands of computers in 150 countries, and led to hundreds of thousands of wives questioning what websites their husbands visit when they’re not home.

Trump creates job opening
President Donald Trump fired FBI Director James Comey over his investigation of connections between Trump campaign officials and Russian agents and hacking the Democratic National Committee’s emails in 2016. It was a decision that would in no way come back to haunt him.

Sleeping Tiger
Police in Florida arrested Tiger Woods after he was found sleeping at the wheel of his car which was on the side of the road. Reports indicate that alcohol was not involved, but rather his incoherent state was the result of a reaction to his prescription medication. Floridians were outraged that Woods was arrested, arguing that every driver in Florida is messed up on drugs.

June

‘Transformers: The Ides of March’
Transformers: The Fifth Film in the Series hit theaters. Critics answered with a resounding, “Why does this exist?” but the real news was that spin-off movies are planned. Executives are reportedly considering prequel films involving the Transformers in ancient Rome. This would be great, because who doesn’t want to watch a movie about robots wearing togas that transform into chariots?

The Sessions session
Attorney General Jeff Sessions visited his old friends in the Senate this week to testify under oath. Sessions claimed a faulty memory throughout much of the questioning about ties to Russia, and said he thought he was going to talk about his favorite monuments being torn down.

The sexual assault trial of actor Bill Cosby was declared a mistrial after the jury remained deadlocked on reaching a verdict. Cosby’s lawyer cheered the news, and assured his client that American society will be far more tolerant to sexual assault allegations in the months ahead.

July

Spice put on ice
Sean Spicer stepped down from his post as White House press secretary. He at first denied the reports as fake news from the dishonest liberal media, but then looked down at his notes and learned that he had apparently resigned.

Man who didn’t murder two people granted parole
O.J. Simpson was granted parole this week after serving nine years in prison for an armed heist to steal back some of his memorabilia that had been sold. Simpson told the judge he plans to search for the real armed robber.

Tardigrades will outlive us all
A study was published suggesting that tardigrades, microscopic animals that can’t really be burned, frozen or anything else, are the most likely form of life to survive a cataclysmic event on Earth. Considering how things are going, they can have it.

August

Age of retirement in U.K. is 96
It was announced that Prince Phillip would retire from making public appearances, citing ill health and the fact that he is 96 years old. Mr. The Queen also said he’s tired of Buckingham Palace staff thinking he’s a ghost.

Veterans, not veterinarians
Congress can’t even help puppies. A bill was introduced in July to defund the Department of Veterans’ Affairs from testing stuff like meth on dogs, and giving dogs heart attacks. The bill enjoyed bipartisan support in August, and promptly died after no vote was taken on it in committee.

The citronella soldiers
A bunch of Civil War cosplayers and white power enthusiasts stepped away from Twitter for a day so that they could rally in support of free speech in Charlottesville, Virginia. The idiots grabbed tiki torches and no doubt intimidated local mosquitoes as planned.

September

Is this not a test?
TV viewers in California were shocked when emergency alerts flashed on their screens with incoherent messages. One message was a panicked voice talking about the government working with extraterrestrials, and the other proclaimed that violent times were ahead. It turned out that both were recordings of crazy people calling in to radio shows years earlier. Man, I hate sweeps week gimmicks.

From Russia with likes
It was uncovered that Russian-funded ads on Facebook spread pro-Trump propaganda and even organized Trump rallies while appearing to be grassroots movements. President Donald Trump responded in his typical, even-keeled way, saying that the Facebook ad controversy was fake news. So the news about the fake news on the site plagued continually by fake news is fake news. Get it straight.

Blood feud
A disturbing video of police officers in Utah violently arresting a nurse went viral. The arrest resulted after the nurse refused to draw blood from an unconscious subject without consent or warrant. Police officers countered that she got what she deserved because they had asked her, “Pretty please,” even adding, “with sugar on top.”

October

The final away message
AOL announced that it was shutting down its instant messenger service once and for all. Your parents were reportedly very upset by the announcement.

The woke yogurt
Yogurt company Oikos dropped Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton from its ad campaign after he made sexist remarks about a woman asking him questions during a news conference. To show how sorry he was, and how mature he has become from this learning experience, in an apology video he promised to never laugh when a female reporter says “route,” “balls,” or “slot.”

Fame monster fired
Media mogul Harvey Weinstein was fired from The Weinstein Company after numerous accusations of sexual harassment and sexual assault were brought to light. So let that be a lesson to all you men in power: don’t you dare defile a potted plant, or we’ll eventually get around to being outraged.

November

Never become the story
Today Show host Matt Lauer and radio yarn spinner Garrison Keillor were fired from there jobs amid allegations of inappropriate sexual behavior. One report against Lauer, and this is true, is that he gave a female employee a sex toy and wrote her a note about what he wanted to do with it. Meanwhile, female staffers reported numerous unwanted invitations to skinny dip with Keillor in Lake Woebegone.

Something happened in Delaware
Parts of the Mid-Atlantic were rocked when a magnitude 4.1 earthquake struck near Dover, Delaware. President Donald Trump said he hopes for a speedy recovery from the natural disaster, adding that the nation of Delaware brought this on itself.

Get out of jail free
President Donald Trump took credit for getting three UCLA basketball players out of a Chinese jail after they were arrested on suspicion of shoplifting. He then complained that the basketball players should have shown him more gratitude for their freedom. This was actually a news story this year.

December

Worst airport ever
Thousands of people’s days were ruined when Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport lost power for roughly 11 hours. The outage caused a massive travel snarl at the busiest airport in the U.S. The good news is that no one had to rush for their connecting flight.

Feel fancier than you are
Miller High Life has called itself “the champagne of beers,” probably hoping that most people have never had champagne. But this year, the discerning macro beer snob will be able to enjoy High Life in a champagne bottle. So if you’re hosting a New Year’s party, here a great prank to play at midnight.

Time grows short
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the life expectancy for the U.S. dropped for the second year in a row. So after all this, there’s something to look forward to.

Hang up and let your kid drive

"I learned it from you, Dad! Alright? I learned it from texting you!"
“You, alright?! I learned it by texting you!

According to a recent survey presented to the American Psychological Association, parents who text and call their teenagers while said teens are driving have children who text and use the phone while driving. Of polled teens, 53 percent of polled teens who talked on the phone behind the wheel talked to a parent

‘Teens told us parents really expected to keep track of them, and they are expected to answer the phone if the parent calls. In some cases, the parent might continue to call until the teen answers,’ says Noelle LaVoie, a psychologist in Petaluma, Calif., whose private research firm conducts corporate and government studies.

So, the next time a teen dings your ’04 Sentra, send the bill to their parents. After all, they’re the ones who can afford the helicopter they’re using to keep constant tabs on their offspring.

You Missed It: End of 2013 edition

Choose your weapon and let's do this.
Choose your weapon and let’s do this.

If you’re reading this, congratulations. You’ve survived another year. We made it through a perilous 2013, filled with bad things happening, disappointing movies and famous people saying things they later related. Plus, one guy had an imaginary girlfriend. It was another year of everyone talking to each other, then eventually realizing that no one was listening, so they began shouting over each other. It’s time to close out the year, and good riddance. Join me as we look back on the insanity that was 2013. Self-medication is recommended.

January

Happy fiscal cliff!
In the first week of the year, the 112th Congress, in its last effort, finally reached a deal to avoid going over the so-called fiscal cliff, the only problem is that they didn’t get it done until Jan. 1, when we had already gone over the cliff. However, the language in the bill applied the deal retroactively. So we went over the cliff, but then Congress flew around the Earth at a really fast speed, going back in time by a matter of hours, and unthrew us over the cliff. They then made way for the 113th Congress and its plan of continuing to accomplish nothing.

Juicers need not apply
The Baseball Hall of Fame class of 2013 was … no one. No candidate received the necessary 75% of the vote needed to be inducted, it’s the first time that’s happened since 1996. For some reason, the sports writers who cheered on the steroid-era players like Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens and others, decided they weren’t inspired by these cheaters. It seemed like a pretty stupid move. You don’t want to make juicers mad.

The inauguration was dubbed over
President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden were sworn in for a second term in a small ceremony. Then, they were sworn in again the next day, because that was Martin Luther King Day, and they had already gone through the trouble of setting up streamers. Obama laid out his plan for the next four years, including some ideas he had hardly mentioned before. But who cares about covering any of that stuff? The media were more concerned about whether Beyoncé lip-synched. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2013 edition

You Missed It: Airplane mode edition

Movember Alec Baldwin could not be more excited.
Movember Alec Baldwin could not be more excited.

Fifty years ago today John F. Kennedy was shot. There, I have filled my legal requirements as a writer to mention that fact today. I realize it’s a significant anniversary of a course-altering moment in American history, but relating every article to it is a bit much. Mark my words, this weekend you will read an article asking which NFL quarterback has the leadership style closest to that of JFK. If you were busy being surprised by the results when you searched for “magic bullet” this week, odds are you missed it.

You’re now free to rack up roaming charges
This week, the FCC proposed new regulations that would allow cell phone calls and data usage during flights, except when the plane is taking off or landing. It’s just a possibility, and there are a lot of steps that have to be taken before something like this could happen, but it’s creating quite a buzz. After all, when you paid $100 for your luggage, you’re on a flight that charges for food, the guy in front of you reclined his seat into your lap and there’s a crying baby in the row behind you, the one thing that can make your flight better is everyone else around you shouting over each other on their phones.

Are you depressed? Maybe you’re wife’s not hot
Ladies, if you’re not happy in your marriage, maybe it’s time to stop looking frumpy. A new study has found that men are happier in their marriage if their wives maintain their attractiveness. This, in turn makes the wives happier, because they are feel good about a satisfied husband. The study followed 450 newlywed couples and followed them for four years. The ones with hot wives were happier. Men, tread carefully, but remember that you’re armed with science.

Jose Canseco owns goats
Former juicing baseball player and noted douche Jose Canseco was pulled over this week by police for some reason or another. In the back of his SUV were his fainting goats, all wearing diapers. No amount of context could possibly keep a cop from letting him off with a warning, right?

Your phone’s power source is in your bladder

It’s one of the worst things about being out at a bar. You have to wait 15 minutes for a drink, it’s hot, it’s crowded, and even your phone’s dead. Now you can’t even look at what’s going on on Facebook like the other 250 people in the bar. What are you going to do?

Luckily, you’ve got the world’s first cell phone powered by urine. Researchers at the Bristol Robotics Laboratory in the U.K. have found a way to charge a cellular phone (or as they say in England, a “moby-uhl”) using microbial fuel cells that feed on urine. Scientists say that urine is an energy source that will never run out, and will make your phone smell great.

The McBournie Minute: 1st txt evr, LOLZ

This is a pretty historic week. I’m not talking about the anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor on Friday, no, I mean historic. Like really important, you guys. Today in 1992, the first text message was sent. And we have been shortening the English language ever since.

It’s pretty amazing that Short Messaging Service, or SMS, as we know it today, has been around so long. Let’s keep in mind that in 1992, car phones were about as common as cell phones. And cell phones themselves were pretty much the Zack Morris ones we think of today, should strap and all.

So what was the first ever text message? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: 1st txt evr, LOLZ

You Missed It: Hot air edition

How come you never ask me how I am doing or if I have any big plans for the weekend? Don’t you care about what I do? Aren’t we friends? You’re right, you’re right. You do care, you just don’t show it in the same ways as I do. I’m sorry I get so emotional, it’s just that I need you, dear reader, so much. Without you, my keyboard has no purpose. If you were busy looking at oncoming trains, odds are you missed it.

Up, up and a–wait a minute …
On Thursday, the world was captivated by the story of a 6-year old boy in Colorado has climbed into his father’s experimental balloon was was floating across the state. They boy was instead found hiding in the attic. The boy’s father, Richard Heene, denied accusations of the incident being a stunt, saying, “My family would never do such a thing. I mean, that’s as bad as going on a reality show or putting your kids in a rap video and posting it to YouTube. Who would do such a thing?”

Show us your twits
Speaking of balloons, conservative blogger Meghan McCain raised eyebrows this week when she tweeted about her quiet night in. She posted a picture of the book she was reading, but followers’ eye drifted toward her low cut top instead. Critics attacked her for the seemingly sexual picture, and McCain nearly canceled her Twitter account. In other news, conservative microbloggers are still waiting for a shot of Ann Coulter’s shriveled jack-o-lanterns.

All your data are belong to us
T-Mobile customers have had a rough time lately, particularly Sidekick users, who lost all their data in a disaster that is only now being fixed by Microsoft. Wait a minute–T Mobile still has customers? More importantly, when was the last time you saw anyone using a Sidekick?

So easy a cave man could do it

Do you drive a car? Did you know that most of cars involved in fatal accidents are driven by humans? It’s true. We suck at driving because it’s so damn boring. We need to change the stereo setting from FM1 to AUX, we need to fix the GPS settings, and most importantly, we need to kill our arms holding up our cell phones for a half an hour talking and driving.

Some people find talking on the phone and driving as dangerous. California is one of those people. There, the first lady, Mariah Shriver was caught talking on her cell phone even though her husband made it illegal.

Ever the actor. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said during a speech that he couldn’t believe his wife was “holding that phone in her hand like in the Stone Age.” It should be noted that the governor of California is something of an amateur archaeologist.

He is totally right. Back in the Stone Age, cave women would drive around in their cars talking on their cell phones. This left them vulnerable to being bashed over the head by cave men and dragged off romantically.

The McBournie Minute: iPhones kind of suck

I’m going to come right out and say it: I don’t own an iPhone. I know, I know, it’s shocking. I get that reaction a lot. But it’s true. In fact, I really don’t care to buy an iPhone right now, because they are way more than I, or pretty much anyone else, ever needs in a communication device (though they will never tell you that) and in a recession, they are rapidly turning into a symbol of poor planning.

I look at the iPhone much the may I looked at fraternities when I was in college. They cost a lot, they don’t deliver what they promise and really, you just want to be seen with one. In college, I decided it was much easier if I drank when I wanted to where I wanted to, without having to memorize some group’s history or do anything remotely good for the community.

Plus, AT&T hazes you with big fees. Bryan McBournie elephant walks for no cell phone carrier. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: iPhones kind of suck

The newest line of species traitors: Inmates

We have suspected it for a long time, but now we finally have proof: the animals are helping our human prisoners escape in hopes of turning them against us! It’s a brilliant strategy, if you think about it. Our attention moves to the escapees and not the real enemy.

Our proof? Carrier pigeons have been caught smuggling in cell phone parts to prisoners in Brazil. Once, when they were our minions, they carried our important information on the battlefield. Now it seems they are against us on the battlefield of the 21st century, where there is no battlefield.

We can only assume the Verizon Wireless guy has been turned, as well.