Alt-right declares war on cereal

Breitbart, the self-proclaimed mouthpiece of the conservative white nationalist rebranding movement known as the “alt-right,” has had a lot to celebrate lately. They got their horse to win the horse race, and then their horse picked their executive chairman to be a part of the horse’s transition team. But now comes the real war.

A number of companies have stopped advertising with Breitbart, most notably, Kellogg’s. Being the tough, rational news outlet that it is, Breitbart responded by calling Kellogg’s decision “un-American” and calling on its readers to boycott the company. The supposed lovers of free markets and corporate personhood don’t like that a company has chosen to take its business elsewhere.

This is 2016, a supposedly credible news source is starting a war with what is widely regarded as part of this complete breakfast.

Literally the least any restaurant can do

"Mmmmm, cereal! I'm so glad we decided to from the chutes here instead of at the Lego store."
“Mmmmm, cereal! I’m so glad we decided to from the chutes here instead of at the Lego store.”

If there’s one way to tell someone is just barely capable of taking care of themselves as an adult, it’s whether they consider cereal an actual meal all to itself. Well, Kellogg’s is no adult, then.

The company that dares to call everything from Corn Flakes to Cocoa Krispies “part of a complete breakfast” is opening a restaurant on Times Square in New York City. As Starbucks does with coffee, Kellogg’s will sell single bowls of cereal for twice the cost of an entire 24-ounce box of Rice Krispies — with a couple of hipster chefs adding kale or some other bullsh*t to justify not opening and pouring your own breakfast like a sort-of adult.

While we anticipate that hotels on Times Square will frown on direct competition with their own pathetic “continental breakfast” options, at least there will be a close-by resource of absorbent milk litter to pour over and soak up Guy Fieri-induced vomiting and diarrhea before it enters Manhattan’s water supply.

Pictures of furries aren’t part of complete breakfast

It’s always perplexed us why people follow certain brands on social media. How exciting are the posts coming in from Goldfish crackers? Are people that obsessed with certain foods that they need to get pointless updates in the Facebook feeds? Apparently so.

A lot of people like following Tony the Tiger on Twitter, nearly 22,000 people, in fact. The cartoon tiger had to take a break from shilling Frosted Flakes to ask his followers to chill out. Because everyone’s been sending him sexual images related to furries. Anthropomorphic sexual images have been filling Tony the Tiger’s Twitter feed, and it’s gotten so bad that the intern assigned to tweet as a cartoon spokesman has had to ask followers to keep it clean. Tony even had to block a bunch of furries.

Many are instead following, and this is true, Chester Cheetah.

Booze: Part of this complete breakfast

The quality of food offered at schools here in the U.S. has always been a hot debate topic, but it’s worse in Zimbabwe, and not for the reason you’re thinking of.

At least three schools there have banned breakfast cereal because kids are making beer with it. Kids who probably do well in science class mix the cereal, some water, some brown sugar and yeast, and let it ferment. The end result is probably as tasty as it sounds, but at least it contains alcohol.

Considering how cereal consumption in the U.S. is falling, this could really turn things around here at home.

The most important beer of the day

HefeWheaties: technically not breakfast because you never went to sleep. Like a damn champion.
HefeWheaties: technically not breakfast because you never went to sleep. Like a damn champion.

America was founded by prudes, sure, but they were beer-drinking prudes, so what the hell happened to drinking booze with breakfast? The company that brought you weird feelings about Mary Lou Retton with your first cup of coffee plans to bring back the meal that has fueled headhunters and pyramid-builders alike: breakfast beer.

General Mills and the Fulton brewery have joined forces to produce HefeWheaties — a slight variation on the hefeweizen, a German beer recipe that is 50 percent made from fermented wheat — that combines marketing forces with the breakfast of champions: little chocolate donuts Wheaties.

Neither company has announced whether they will feature famous sports figures on the cans, but The Guys’ vote is for John Daly and Bob Ueker.

I’ve gotta have my wax

About 28 million boxes of Apple Jacks, Corn Pops, Froot Loops and Honey Smacks cereals have been recalled because of a “waxy” smell from the packages. Someone followed their nose.

Around 20 people complained to the company about the smell and five reported “nausea and vomiting,” which sounds so tasty that it makes me want to just run to the grocery store and buy some cereal. The company said the risk of serious health issues is low. The recall involves products that have paper-backed foil package liners. Those with plastic liners are not affected.

Hold on-some cereal liners come in foil? That’s news to me.