Tag: CERN

The end is not so nigh

Back in September, SG told you about how the end of the world was near thanks a scientific experiment that may disprove physics. We were very close to a portal opening and needing the aid of a bearded mute nerd to save us all.

Put down the crowbars, people. We’ll have no need to find a champion. Someone forgot to carry the one. Sort of.

After going through their results with a fine-toothed comb, the smarties over at CERN have discovered that the faster than light neutrinos weren’t actually real … all thanks to a loose connection. Super nerds from all around the planet are located at CERN and a loose connection is what brings everything down. Ugh.

The end is nigh

Repent! REPENT! Everything is coming to a horrible end soon!

CERN, conducting yet another experiment in the name of science, might have disproven physics. As in, all of the laws and maybe even some of the constitutional amendments. While sending neutrinos (which are surprisingly not a topping for pizza) into the ground a mighty distance away, the science nerds discovered that the particles would show up a fraction of a second early, potentially breaking the speed of light.

This is not good. Sure, it seems good, but all of my fellow video game players know that this can’t lead to anything pleasant for our planet. The institute will be renamed as Black Mesa, a portal will be opened and the human may end up being enslaved. Our only hope will be a mythical figure that benevolent extraterrestrials will name as “The Free-Man.”

We don’t want that to happen, mainly because it’ll take forever for an end to that problem to arise.

Now THAT’S science!

You won't like them when they're angry.Perhaps the French and Swiss have had enough of being referred to as Europe’s darling little debutantes, because they’ve got us all scared now.

A team of scientists from both countries are ready to flip the switch on the world’s largest collider, an atom-smasher, just to see what happens. Possible results include:

  • Showing us invisible matter.
  • Revealing other dimensions.
  • Spawning a black hole that will swallow the Earth.
  • Torching the Earth with particles known as strangelets.
  • Dog and cat cohabitation.

Of course, there’s one side effect that wasn’t mentioned by either concerned party or the article: massive worldwide orgies on the day it’s turned on. You know we’re stocking up on flavored massage oil.