I might be prone to hyperbole, and yes, this story is extremely hyperbolic.
BUT: I guarantee you, this is the single greatest story you will ever see. Just a warning though, as the results are pretty much exactly as you think they are. And yet, it does not disappoint.
Massachusetts isn’t exactly a place where you expect the FBI to make raids on. That might be why there’s now an issue.
In an attempt to protect the world from
COBRA VENOM the Decepticons terror, the FBI made one of their signature raids, guns (possibly) a-blazing and (definitely) chainsaws a-raring. Down went the apartment door! A woman and a young woman were made prisoners of the inner arm of the United States government!
Except, it turns out that the wrong apartment door was taken down. And the woman and young woman? A mother and daughter, made hostages at gunpoint of the inner arm of the government for half an hour. That silent and stealthy approach to making a raid? Potentially ruined by using a chainsaw, especially on the wrong target. Whoopsidoodle.
When I was a pre-teen, I can remember a classmate talking to me about the jacket that he would wear into a store in order to shoplift stuff. It was a gigantic, puffy jacket, so it made sense, I suppose. But sometimes you need more room. Obviously, there’s plenty of that down your pants. Right, Anthony Black?
Buuuuuut it doesn’t work all the time. Or potentially at all. Right, Anthony Black? An employee with a vast and firm grasp on the English language, states:
“I seen the bar between his legs. It was pretty obvious. Imagine it in the front of your pants.”
It’s certainly an interesting way to impress the ladies. Black decided that chainsaw wasn’t worth the hassle, ditching it and running out the store. Which promptly led headfirst into a creek.
As if the frosting on this delicious cake of hilarity, police think Black may have been intoxicated while doing so. Because chainsaws and alcohol are a fine mix. This is the best story I’ve heard all week.
So, last week I mentioned that married men are forced to watch chick flicks. Of course, the more whipped boyfriends out there have probably done the same, which is why they’ll always be groomsmen: gentlemen, you don’t give the back rubs away for free. (Whores.)
Now, I could just whine about these films, but that’s not the kind of content you expect in this column. Instead, I will share my insights with you you for surviving these films, achieving relationship leverage and using said leverage to do all those things you’ve only seen in cave paintings.
Think of me as a former Forest Recon who escaped from a POW camp and survived for six years in the jungle by eating his former NVA captors. Now I’m going to teach you ballet. Chainsaw ballet. Continue reading Take it from Snee: In which our hero watches ‘chick flicks’
Let’s face it: for one reason or another, your parents have to die. Maybe it’s because you need that inheritance. Perhaps it’s because they’ve told you clean up your room too many times. Or you might just blame them for life.
We’ve already told you how to use violence to solve all of your familial problems. Since we try not to repeat ourselves, this guide will be a little different. Besides, if both of your parents suddenly end up dead, you’re the prime suspect. Prison or lethal injection is no way to enjoy a parent-free life, so read on to learn how to kill your parents. Continue reading How To: Kill your parents
No matter where you go for meaningful conversation, you will always encounter some nihilist who “could care less.” But what do they mean by that? Could they care less about the topic? Could they care less about you? More importantly, why could they care less and why don’t they?
Our guess is that they want to care less, but don’t know how to politely do so. It’s a common problem in our society where people prefer email to phone calls, home school to evolution and porn to wife-swapping.
But it doesn’t have to be! With this guide, we will dispense with the “couldas” and teach you how to care less. Continue reading How To: Care less