Royally drunk: Queen Elizabeth is a binge drinker

The picture was taken at six in the morning.

Queen Elizabeth II hasn’t had a job since her father died. She lives a life every little girl dreams of: living in a big, fancy palace with as many puppies as she wants. She’s 91 and still going strong. Is the secret to her longevity her access to first-rate health care and a lavish lifestyle funded by British taxpayers? No, it’s booze.

According to reports, the queen drinks four drinks a day. She drinks a gin and Dubonnet (a sweet aperitif) before lunch, a gin martini during lunch, then a glass of wine at the end of lunch. So she’s feeling quite jovial and it’s barely the afternoon. She then sobers up with tea in the afternoon and has a glass of champagne before going to bed at night.

That adds up to six units of alcohol by British standards, which the UK government considers binge drinking.

Bad news: Booze ingredients running low

It’s August, which means winter seasonal beers are just a few weeks away. But it also means pumpkin beers will be hitting shelves any day now. But it’s not good news for pumpkin beer lovers, they’re running low on pumpkins.

For the second year in a row, American brewers report that they are having trouble finding enough orange gourds to make the beer that people either love or compare to Hitler. It seems pumpkin demand is so high that farmers aren’t able to keep up with demand, plus, some farmers, such as those in the Richmond, Virginia area, suffered a bad pumpkin crop this year.

And in Europe, things aren’t looking so good for fans of bubbly. The Champagne region of France, which is coincidentally where champagne is made, has had a rough grape-growing year. Vineyards have suffered from rot, mildew and frost. That means it’s going to be a bad year for your favorite New Year’s beverage.

We don’t mean to be alarmist, but now might be the time to stock up on alcohol, you know, before everyone else cleans out the stores.

Chug champagne but still look classy

Everyone loves champagne, but who has the time to drink it? All that sipping and enjoying, meanwhile, you’re waiting for the buzz to kick in. Now there’s a solution.

And that solution is called the Chambong, a cross between a champagne flute and a beer bong. The device is all glass, and shaped like an L. On one end, it looks like a regular champagne flute, and on the other, it looks like a crack pipe. Simply hold the crack pipe end up to your lips, lift the flute end, and enjoy the champagne being launched down your throat.

The Guys were drinking alcoholic beverages that weren’t beer a decade ago, and from a bong a couple stories up. Too bad we never capitalized.

Drunk with power: Nazi booze found in Germany

If owning Eva Braun’s panties isn’t for you, perhaps you’d like some Nazi hootch.

A restauranteur is claiming to have found secret cellar holding cognac and champagne that belonged to Adolf Hitler and his staff. Silvio Stelzer says that the booze was moved out of Berlin in 1944 for safer storage in a palace in Dresden, and they sat there until now.

We’re not going to judge you for wanting to taste some fancy booze that’s been mellowing for the better part of a century, but the fact that Nazis owned it should affect its taste somehow.

Scientist tirelessly study shipwreck champagne

Science just can’t get enough of that shipwreck booze.

Remember that 170-year-old shipwreck in the Baltic Sea where the divers found beer and champagne? Researchers have just gotten around to analyzing the content of the champagne bottles. Turns out, they made champagne back then pretty much the same way they do now. Great job, guys. Thanks for that insight.

Next they’ll conduct thorough research on how good it tastes with orange juice.

Time to get wrecked: Brewery recreates beer from 1842 shipwreck

Four years ago we told you about some beer and champagne from the 1840s that was found in a shipwreck at the bottom of the Baltic Sea near Finland. Then we told you when some of the champagne went up for auction a year later. Now, we’ve got another exciting update.

You can buy the beer. OK, well you can buy some beer that was recreated by Belgian scientists after analyzing the beer that had been chilling since 1842. They found what type of yeast was used and figured out it was from Belgium. Then they did their best to recreate the rest of the brew, because 170 years is too long for a beer to age, even a Belgian.

It can be yours for the reasonable price of $143, plus shipping, handling and duties.

Champagne is now like mother’s milk

Sure, booze is great, but what’s the point of drinking it if you can’t show everyone how fancy you are? The key to that is having the right glass for your drink. And if you’re drinking champagne, we’ve got a new glass to show off your class.

You can now sip your Cristal from a coupe shaped like Kate Moss’ boob — her left one, to be exact. It’s said, and probably false, that the first champagne coupe, crafted in the 18th century, was molded from Marie Antoinette’s left breast. If this is true, perhaps the French Revolution was actually about bubbly. Moss sat down with a British artist to do the same thing with her 40-year-old breasts.

So what were champagne flutes molded from?

Drink a piece of history

Some time in the early 19th century a ship was sailing across the Baltic Sea, bringing its cargo of champagne to the thirsty citizens on the distant shore. Only something went wrong, and the ship sank, taking the beloved booze with it.

Today, you can own a bottle of the oldest champagne around. The shipwreck was found last fall and bottles of champagne (and beer) were found, and as we called it all those months ago, the hootch is now up for auction! We don’t know about the beer and the other bottles, but two bottles of champagne will be up for auction in June, so get your wallets ready, drunkards.