Tag: Channing Tatum

Take it from Snee: Welcome to My Enemies List, Channing Tatum

The Declaration of Independence guarantees every American three basic things: life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I’ve worked hard to be born a U.S. citizen, and dammit, I don’t expect any more or less than those very things.

For instance, when my office designated my favorite parking space a “handicapped” zone by “law,” I recognized it for what it really was: an attempt to steal my liberty (to park in that spot) and my life (the precious minutes that I can never have back after walking 10 extra feet to the door). Fortunately, I was able to redress this injustice by printing up a fake doctor’s note.

But, there are certain assaults on my god-given American rights that I can’t correct, like when People magazine, clearly in error, passed me over yet again for their “Sexiest Man Alive” cover. People, we’ll talk next year. Channing Tatum: not so fast there, Captain Abs. You’ve just made My Enemies List.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Welcome to My Enemies List, Channing Tatum

MasterChugs Theater: ‘G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra’

We’ve had comic book movies, superhero movies, and video game movies; but G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra is something slightly different. Call it action figure filmmaking, a movie poured straight from the same mold as the ones used to create Hasbro’s legendary toys. A story ripped straight off the back of a G.I. Joe card and plopped down in front of you. The heroes are fully poseable and the bad guys are as stiff and contorted as they are evil. In fact, this sensation is almost palpable, as you can honestly feel it in every frame of Stephen Sommers’ film. It’s as if were you to remove the clothing from the movie’s characters, you’d see nothing but anatomically incorrect plastic and crudely put together ball and socket joints.

Now, G.I. Joe doesn’t have a lot going for it, at least initially. The movie’s director is, as mentioned earlier, Stephen Sommers, a man known for creating one of the worst movies in cinema history, Van Helsing. The trailers have been laughably bad at best, and quite frankly, the inclusion of work done by Kid Rock into anything is not exactly a good move. In fact, Paramount chose not to test screen the movie for critics–that’s almost always a bad sign for a movie. What’s scary is that this tale of woe and misfortune just stems from the lead-up to the movie, not the actual movie itself. So, how is the movie?

Think of that old phrase: “It’s a mystery found in an enigma, wrapped up in a conundrum.” Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra’