Delta subjects passengers to Kenny G performance

If you’ve flown on an American airline in the past 40 years, you know that flying sucks. (Thanks, deregulation!) But recent events may indicate we have reached a low point in the exceptionally awful experience. Sure, we had a paying customer bloodied and kicked off an overbooked flight, sure, we had a flight attendant be aggressive toward a mother holding her children, then challenge a male passenger to a fight, but there is worse. And worse is Kenny G.

Trying to one-up United and American, Delta forced passengers to not only sit through a live Kenny G performance, but to fork over money for it. During a flight from Tampa, Florida to Los Angeles, a flight attendant announced that the crew was raising money for the charity Relay for Life, and that if they raised $2,000, Kenny G would get up and play for everyone. Once they reached the targeted amount, Kenny G made good on his threat.

They basically held people hostage, then guilted them into donating money for a punishment. That, friends, is nothing short of diabolical.

Good news: NFL cured breast cancer?

Unfortunately, nobody could tell that the Colts were raising awareness for colorectal cancer by wearing blue and playing with their heads up their asses.

It appears that the Era of Pink NFL Octobers is drawing to a close. Since 2009, the NFL claims to have raised $15 million dollars for the American Cancer Society by selling pink merchandise, which their players market by wearing on field. But, now the league will allow teams to choose which cancer they will observe and fund-raise for during Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Some teams may choose to keep the “breast” in Breast Cancer Awareness Month and wear pink in October. Others may choose colors to raise money for cancers that only affect the coach or team directly or even change from year-to-year based on which cancer is really popular these days. But, it must be during October and not during the appropriate month for such things, like … oh, we don’t know … testicular and prostate cancer in November?

The important thing here is that the NFL doesn’t focus too much time or energy on any one fatal, life-ruining ailment.

Hi-ya’s! for charity

It almost seems like a person can make anything into a charity. There’s ball cancer, boob cancer, brush-fires, earthquake relief, homeless people and so forth. Oh, and there’s NAMBLA. Can’t forget that (man oh man, are we going to have some horrible search hits now). While AIDS was in style in the early nineties, cancer of all type seems to be the illness prevention of choice at the moment, but you can never go wrong in doing something nice for the kids.

Having fifty fights in one night is doing something nice for the kids, right? We’re not really sure. Brian Digore, a karate school owner, will be turning 50 next Friday. He’s celebrating this by fighting fifty people, one at a time at 90 seconds each, in mixed forms of combat.

Oh, and this will end up benefiting Big Brothers Big Sisters. Hope Old Man Digore doesn’t need to dip into the coffers to benefit his sore knuckles.

Get’cher own piece o’history, right’chere!

Want to own a piece of Baltimore history, a bit of gaming that helped unseat a mayor of the east coast city?

The city of Baltimore is auctioning off an Xbox 360 that prosecutors say then-mayor Sheila Dixon purchased with gift cards meant for the poor. For shame. And just how many gift cards does it take to make a purchase like that?

The Xbox 360, a single controller and copy of Need for Speed Carbon, are up for bid on eBay right now, with the price now moving at $650 (as of writing this post). Proceeds from the sale will go to Youthworks of Baltimore. The 360 was seized from Dixon’s home in 2008 after allegations of embezzlement surfaced against the mayor. A jury later found Dixon guilty and she resigned from office on February 4 of that year and was ordered to perform 500 hours of community service.

She also had to give up the Xbox 360.

Take it from Snee: We, the world, say enough

Most of the Guys may be a little young to remember 1985-1986, the year when you couldn’t escape “We Are the World.” Well, I had to participate in several performances of it all the way up to 1989. (Some music experts credit elementary schools’ adoration of the song as the progenitor of “Kidz Bop.” Think about that.)

Well, the ghosts of Michael Jackson and Lionel Ritchie are at it again.

Dozens of “singers”–nearly twice the number of the 1985 recording–have been invited to remake the song, with a few modified lyrics, for Haitian earthquake relief.

You’re probably wondering why I think this charitable work is a bad idea (other than that I’m horrible person who hates everything). I’m glad you kind of asked: Continue reading Take it from Snee: We, the world, say enough

No rabid dogs allowed

When author Stephen King heard that a unit with the Maine National Guard was looking to travel home from training in Indiana for Christmas, King forked over $12,999 to help finance a pair of charter buses.

Little did the soldiers know that the buses they were on were taking them … to Salem’s Lot!

THUNDER AND LIGHTNING! THUNDER AND LIGHTNING!

Profiles in Sadness: A celebrity couple makes doohickeys

A lot of news crosses The Guys’ desks. Some of it is very important, too important to be made fun of. Most of it is goofy and deserving of our signature brand of highlighting. Then there are the stories we feel bad going into, not because of tragedy, but that some periodical felt they were worth reporting. These are our Profiles in Sadness.

Not *intended* for use as a cock ring.At least 106 news sites wrote about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s latest endeaver/couples’ therapy: a line of serpent-themed jewelry. (Well, at least this hobby keeps a few impoverished children out of West Los Angeles, where they might breathe the overpriviledged Kardashians’ air.)

It took a while, but boy, do we feel for Brad Pitt. Imagine having your name attached to your wife’s quilting or hamster taxidermy. Sure, it might bring a few extra dollars into the house whenever she sells something at a craft show, but at least your name wasn’t used to market them to guys with fight clubs in their basements.

And, of course, there’s the sole reason for these articles: the fans. Our favorite comments come from People Magazine. Remember, if you’re not white trash enough for the Enquirer, keep People in your bathroom.

“I am a big fan of Angelina (Brads not bad either). Reason being is amount of time they spend helping those who can’t help themselves.
Also Angelina; if Brads starts acting up I have your engagement ring on layaway.”

Oh, Michael Gatlin, you scamp! It’s amazing that you haven’t found your own Angelina yet!

“How exciting! I’m glad that Angelina recognizes the power in serpent symbols. In ancient times, serpents were considered wise and powerful, and very protective. I’m excited that they are going to donate all of the proceeds, as well. What a fantastic couple!”

Yes, Patty: Angelina shares your love for writhing disembodied penis symbols.

So, we’d like to thank celebrity rags, mouth-breathing fame worshippers and their bored Hollywood sovereign for all contributing to today’s Profile in Sadness.

Filthy and satanic D&D nerds not welcome in pews

So, earlier in the year, creator of Dungeons and Dragons, Gary Gygax passed away. His memory was honored by super-duper geekfest GenCon, who raised over $17,000 in an auction for Gygax’s favorite charity, the Christian Children’s Foundation. Irony was probably not lost on Gygax. What is lost? The money, as the CCF has decided to refuse the money.

Why? Because the money was raised with the sale of D&D merchandise.

You see, because the money came from a gaming convention, it would disrupt their principles. The group is claiming that this is about the “integrity” of its name, which it says it won’t lend to events it had no hand in.

Oh dear. There’s sticking to your principles, and then there’s just … well, quite frankly, there’s myopia.

America’s team gives to those who don’t have

In our ongoing coverage of why the New England Patriots are so great, not only did they unselfishly give up the dream for a perfect season mainly because they didn’t want to be predictable, it turns out, they had a fare more noble idea in their heads when they threw the Super Bowl.

They wanted to clothe needy children. T-shirts and hats proclaiming the Patriots as champions of Super Bowl XLII have been given to children in Nicaragua. Because of the generous loss by these gods among men, hundreds of children now have clothing. Only thing is, they keep asking who the Patriots are.