You Missed It: Gay old time edition

The Bible also says it's cool to take a mistress if your wife is barren. Though it's silent on Harry Potter characters.
The Bible also says it’s OK to knock up your mistress.

You may have thought that the season of Lent was leading up to Good Friday and Easter, a snap count to the death of Jesus, the original comeback kid, but you’re wrong. This year, it’s a countdown to Major League Baseball’s opening day. Baseball is staying true to its Jewish and Muslim roots by kicking off the new season on one of the biggest Christian holidays. Some scholars believe that Pontius Pilate invented the game itself, beating Abner Doubleday by a good 1,800 years. If you were busy apologizing for having an affair this week, odds are you missed it.

Gays get their days in court
This week, the Supreme Court heard two different cases regarding gay marriage, or marriage equality, or the freedom of marriage, depending on where you are on the issue and which trench you’re in in the war of words. The justices are not expected to make a ruling until June. Between now and then, they will probably review the arguments made by all parties, then consult the Constitution, while Justice Antonin Scalia is expected to go cruising for bears in some of the seedier D.C. bars. Observers are uncertain of how the court will rule on California’s Proposition 8, but seem confident that the justices will reach around and overturn the Defense of Marriage Act.

So begins a 13-month retirement party
It was a scant 50 years ago that a plucky reporter named Barbara Walters came on the journalism scene, one of the first women to make it to the national level. She has covered everything from the Nixon administration to Whoopi Goldberg, but in May 2014, she’s going to retire. The 83-year-old Walters said her reasons were the desire to have more free time and the fact that there aren’t any softer lenses to blur her image any further, short of pixelation.

And in entertainment news
Lindsay Lohan is back at it again. This week, she walked off the set of Charlie Sheen’s show Anger Management with jewelry, then she flew to Brazil to promote something, probably a fancy Brazilian vodka or lemon-scented crotch wax. She was at a club in Sao Paulo and began drawing attention, so she hid herself under the DJ booth table, because no one would look there. Lohan’s actions are part of her ongoing spiral into oblivion, but hey, what’s more entertaining than standing by while someone cries for help?

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Oscar 2011 Wrap-Up’

The Oscars for twenty-eleven (we are nothing if we don’t follow Rick’s rules) are done and over with. I’m sure you’ve woken up from watching them by now. You probably read my column from last week, right? It had my picks in it. If you didn’t, go ahead now. Go on, I’ll wait.


Okay, you’re done? What? No? Fine. Keep reading.


Okay, now you’re done. Keep those picks in mind-they reveal that I’m the smartest person on the planet. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Oscar 2011 Wrap-Up’

Take it from Snee: Charlie Sheen punked America

I wanted to write about, well, anything but Charlie Sheen and his recent bout of insanity. I was ready to write about political misconduct, dispense medical advice or whatever I normally do when I wedge a historical reference in between two masturbation jokes.

Unfortunately, this story has dominated every Web site I pilfer for post ideas.

And while I, too, enjoy a good mix of tiger blood, Adonis DNA and a level of crazy that hasn’t been witnessed in this magnitude since Tonya Harding, I can’t help but shake my head at the amount of attention this has received because it’s all fake.

Charlie Sheen has America in his back pocket right now, and all he has to do is ride this interview train all the way to “Leave me alone while I do whatever the f%@k I did before Two and a Half Men”-town. Let me break it down for you, using the journalistic questions. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Charlie Sheen punked America

Coke and porn stars only funny when implied?

Now that Egypt’s Jasmine Revolution is over as far as Americans are concerned, we can resume our focus on domestic issues. And that domestic issue is Charlie Sheen.

In the latest chapter of what will undoubtably fill future history books, Chuck Lorre–creator of Two and a Half Men–has called Sheen out in those two-second long screens at the end of his shows’ credits. With shooting on hiatus until Sheen gets his porn star and coke habit in control, Lorre wrote that he will be pissed if Sheen outlives him.

Seriously? A show is on hold because the lead actor in a show loosely based on his actual life because of porn stars and coke? Just move the cameras to his house and start taping off the cuff. The kid’s old enough for his own Valtrex prescription, so let’s dump with the innuendo and make Jon Cryer really uncomfortable on set.

It’s gotta be more interesting than whatever Kardashians do.

It’s good to be the Sheen

In today’s job market, one wrong tweet or photograph can get you fired faster than Charlie Sheen at an AA sponsorship.

What’s that? Charlie Sheen’s antics with ex-wives, porn stars and kids (oh my!) were in the freaking newspaper, and CBS is merely “concerned?”

It probably helps that he’s currently playing a tamer version of himself on a show that wins awards keeps making money, but damn, actors’ unions just beat teachers’ unions.

Hot Shots! Part 9/11

We live in troubled times my friends. There is an economic crisis at hand, the very real possibility of war at any moment is upon us and no one from the cast of Full House is relevant anymore. We need strong leadership, we need something to galvanize us together as a country, we need Charlie Sheen demanding to speak with President Barack Obama about a 9/11 cover-up?

For those of you who like to stay current with politics and international affairs, 9/11 reaches it’s eighth anniversary tomorrow. And nothing says “let’s continue to move forward” quite like sitcom stars taking up our President’s time by harping on a subject that wasn’t even a part of his administration.

Way to go Charlie! Maybe next time President Obama will demand to speak to you about your Oscar snub for The Arrival.

*For giggles look at the bottom of the article after the political rant as the last sentence details Sheen’s marital status.

How To: Tell if a celebrity is really a spy

We found out recently that while chef Julia Child was showing her chops as a cook, she was leading a secret double life, cooking up how to defeat the Nazis. Yes, Julia Child is among several nearly-or-almost-dead famous people who were part of the U.S. Office of Strategic Services, the pre-CIA.

We found out in his autobiography that Gong Show creator and host Chuck Barris was a CIA operative, even while he was on the show (something which has never truly been confirmed or denied). This raises the question: who among our current celebrities is involved in covert operations? That’s why The Guys bring you how to tell if a celebrity is really a spy. Continue reading How To: Tell if a celebrity is really a spy