Deer carries out Harrison Ford-style attack on passenger jet

As many East Coast travelers know, Charlotte-Douglas International Airport is an awful, awful place. It’s the busiest airport in North Carolina, so it’s fitting that it’s such a hole. But innocent travelers found their lives in danger when a deer attacked a plane during takeoff.

According to the FAA, a jet carrying 44 passengers headed to Mississippi was struck by a deer on the runway during takeoff yesterday. The plane made it into the air, but was damaged and leaking fuel. Fortunately, it was able to make an emergency landing a few minutes later, and no humans were harmed.

This is yet another reason why you should never fly to, from or through Charlotte. There are plenty of other airports you can gamble your life on.

Newborn macaque already brings great shame, dishonor to Japan

In related news, Hanna-Barbera has some apology hams to mail out to both England and Japan.
In related news, Hanna-Barbera has some apology hams to mail out to both England and Japan.

We already know that when it comes to our foes in the War on Animals, they have no regard for decency and lines that should not be crossed, even in war. So, it’s no surprise to The Guys that a newborn macaque hit the British royal family’s newest, youngest member in direct violation of the Geneva Convention and all we hold dear. (Wealthy, inbred white people. That’s what we hold dear.)

The newborn macaque had the gall to be named Charlotte by zookeepers — who we suspect of holding animal-loving sympathies — mere days after Princess Charlotte was born to Prince William and Princess Kate, may they forever reign over Welshmen and unlimited balance credit cards. It didn’t take long for human supporters of the divine right of people kings to take the zoo to task for making a monkey out of people who probably didn’t notice until we all made a huge fuss over it.

Fortunately, Japan’s taking this not-so-slight slight seriously and has already consulted the British embassy for advice. Of course, this is all just a cunning ruse, because what self-effacing British person is going to make them change the monkey’s name?

This is what polite war looks like, people. Fantastic accents, dashing manners and a monkey.

Crabs on a plane

It’s not the story of the latest knockoff by The Asylum.

It’s not the story of the people who joined the Mile High Club.

It’s the story of crabs that tried to bring down a flight … and it’s real.

A shipment of crabs caused delays last week when they got loose. Someone, clearly asleep at the wheel when it came to their job, did not kill the crabs beforehand, and another person, also clearly at the wheel when it came to their job, did not secure them well enough. The crabs managed to make their way out of the cargo hold. Luckily, no passengers were on the plane at the time, but it inconvenienced them, and that’s a blow enough for us to eradicate the crustaceans. Wars have been started over less, after all.

It’s a golden age for the animal dentistry industry

Trouble is afoot and the revolution may be happening!

At the National Zoo, a zebra bit a zookeeper. Multiple times. While this is disturbing enough given the herbivorous nature of the zebra, what’s even more eerie is that a gazelle death may possibly be related. Scientists theorize that the gazelle may have died as a result of being spooked by the incident, but even then, what if it’s also possible that the zebra learned to gain a taste for flesh by nipping at the gazelle?

Also disturbingly enough, a man in Charlotte was bitten by a cobra. Luckily, he was drunk enough to call poison control for help.

Scary times are indeed upon us.