ESPN removes Robert Lee from calling UVA game

Historians agree that Robert E. Lee could not call a game to save his life.

ESPN is known for making terrible decisions, from apology tours for rapist athletes, to hyping a guy who is mediocre at two sports because he’s a Christian, to talking about ball inflation for a year because they don’t want to cover hockey. But like all great innovators, ESPN has found a way to top itself.

It was announced late last night, under the cover of darkness, that announcer Robert Lee would be removed from calling the University of Virginia football team’s home opener. The supposed reasoning behind it is that Lee’s name is too similar to Confederate General Robert E. Lee, whose statue white supremacists neo-Nazis the KKK a group of free speech enthusiasts (who happened to all be angry white dudes but are surely fine people) held a deadly rally for in Charlottesville earlier this month. Robert E. Lee, of course, fought a war over free speech.

Broadcaster Robert Lee, however, isn’t the same person. As far as we know, they are in no way related, either. Finally, both the white supremacists and the people they want murdered en masse can agree on an issue.

College: the unhappiest place on Earth

I’m only (almost) six years separated from my time in college and it would seem that EVERYTHING has been changed. RUINED FOREVER, I SAY! RUINED FOREVER!

In my day, people would shove sauces and food into their mouth without a single hesitation, especially at a buffet. Grapes, cheesecake, fried rice, who cares, even more so if it’s covered in hot sauce (helpful hint: don’t do that). Now, though? Kids stuff the weirdest things into their mouths. Like an entire bottle of soy sauce! As such, he took a little trip to UVa Medical Center (I am all too familiar with that building). Just like you shouldn’t mix black with navy, don’t mix soy sauce with dog food. Your stomach will get all discombobulated.

But there’s still more change in the air for those youngsters! Tufts University has decided to nix their official sanction on the Naked Quad Run. Traditionally held to celebrate the end of the fall semester, the long held event is being ended over fear of the “inherent dangers it presents,” which is odd considering no one’s worried about the dangers until 2011? Look, if people want to run on icy roads all naked-like and potentially land on their soft and squishy parts, well, that’s their business.

Let freedom and nudity ring!