Tag: cheese

Take pride, America: We’ve got a record stockpile of cheese

We’re only a day away from the most American holiday other than Black Friday: Independence Day. And while there are a lot of patriotic articles out there spouting tired old facts, here’s a new one: the U.S. has the most cheese stockpiled right now than it likely ever has.

According to a USDA report, America has some 1.385 billion pounds of cheese reserves, you know, in case there’s a run on pizzas. That number is higher than any level known since the cheese stockpiles started being recorded in 1917. That should make every American swell with pride, or Wis Pride.

This cheese is my cheese, this cheese is your cheese, from Monterey jack to Vermont sharp cheddar.

Scalding pizza problem licked

If there’s one thing the Guys love, it’s freshly baked pizza. But, every rose has its thorn and every bagel bite has its scalding tomato sauce, just like how every cowboy sings sad, indecipherable song through stuffed crust and oral blisters.

Jason McConville knows our pain and will eradicate it with his knowledge as a professor of pharmaceutical sciences. He has  modified a breath strip to deliver benzocaine, a common local anesthetic, to the scorched area. He claims that it will help speed up healing, which is already pretty fast in the mouth, and that the strip will not impair your voice as it dissolves.

So, thanks, Dr. McConville, because when pizza’s on a bagel, now we can finally eat pizza any time. Even straight out of the oven.

Anybody got any jaaaail tiiiiime?

Protip: If you’ve got a series of warrants out for your arrest, and you live in a “3 strikes” state, it might be smarter if you didn’t walk off with cheese.

In your pants.

You never know when that pack of Kraft American singles might cost you seven years up the river. None of that for us, thanks. Personally, we’re jailhouse intolerant.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Santa Claus Conquers the Martians’

Come every year, without fail, around Christmas time, there are three films that I watch. We will go over them this month.

Got your gravity boots on, kids? Get ’em strapped down tight and super-charged, ‘cuz we’re going on a fantastic trip through space, time, and imagination! That’s right, we’ll be visiting amazing sights from Santa’s North Pole Workshop all the way to a fantastic Martian Toy Factory! We’ll see Earth kids meeting with Martian kids! We’ll even see a space-ship journey from Earth to Mars! It’s gonna be a humdinger, I tell ya! Watch out as Santa Claus Conquers the Martians! Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Santa Claus Conquers the Martians’

Important consumer tip

Watch out, consumers! No matter how tempting it is, no matter what promises they may make, no matter how wonderful it sounds, DO NOT buy the magic cheese.

A French man is being accused of selling kits to make “magic cheese.” French officials have been dispatched to Chile to investigate the customers claims and to determine if it is indeed a pyramid scheme. Authorities claim Gilberte Van Erpe sold magic cheese to customers in Chile as an ingredient for French beauty products.

Also, if you eat it, it gives you the ability to fly, walk through the Great Wall of China, and make the Statue of Liberty disappear.