I’m surprised by how many people are complaining now that there are no good candidates to vote for in the presidential election. There never were. A year ago, there wasn’t a single candidate that got me excited. I don’t know what dream you people were chasing. From the outset, the most viable candidates on either side were seen as such purely for their last names. And now we can look back on that concern as quaint and innocent. There were never any good candidates, there are just fewer bad ones to choose from. If you were busy celebrating Cinco de Mayo this week, odds are you missed it.
We live in an alternate universe
This week, Donald Trump became the presumptive Republican nominee after Ted Cruz and John Kasich dropped out of the race, thus ending Carly Fiorina’s record-short vice presidential bid. Not to be outdone, Bernie Sanders said the Democratic National Convention will be contested … for some reason. It’s good to see that poor decision making doesn’t belong to one party, isn’t it?
A challenge American can handle
It was announced that the U.S. is in the midst of a cheese surplus. According to the Department of Agriculture, a glut of milk has lead to increased cheese production. At the same time, we’re importing a lot of cheese from Europe. Cheesemongers are flooding the market. So don’t be shocked if you start seeing cheese in exciting new products, like a cheese-stuffed burger, cheese-stuffed fries, or to capitalize on the breakfast food craze, cheese-stuffed pillows.
Drivers will have hands at 6 o’clock
Analysts said this week that self-driving cars will give occupants more free time than ever, and naturally, one of the top activities will be sex. Just imagine how different driver’s ed will be if these guys are right.
We’ve all seen it happen: one day, your best friend just suddenly changes. Maybe he or she’s phoning it in at work. Or maybe your hugs just don’t have the same awkward sexual chemistry that you used to pretend doesn’t exist. We don’t know why it happens; all we do know is that we don’t even know dogs anymore.
But, not only are they slacking off on people work, we also noticed that, looking back on our old Flickr accounts, dogs don’t even like our hugs. In fact, they’re often looking uncomfortably away, perhaps at someone else whom they do want to embrace.
You’ve broken our hearts, dogs. And now you’re the enemy in the War on Animals.
It’s been debated for centuries, from the time of Little Caesar’s rule to construction of the Pizza Hut: what is the best cheese for pizza? Science has the answer.
Mozzarella. It’s mozzarella cheese, according to a new study in the Journal of Food Science. Turns out that the cheese that’s on pretty much every pizza ever made (except for those weird flatbread pizzas, but who counts those?) is the correct kind of cheese to use for such a dish. It melts, it browns, it blisters and it has oil in it.
So the next time your friend suggests ordering a pizza with goat cheese, drop some science on him. And if that doesn’t work, slap him and slap him hard until he sees your point.
If there’s one thing the Guys love, it’s freshly baked pizza. But, every rose has its thorn and every bagel bite has its scalding tomato sauce, just like how every cowboy sings sad, indecipherable song through stuffed crust and oral blisters.
Jason McConville knows our pain and will eradicate it with his knowledge as a professor of pharmaceutical sciences. He has modified a breath strip to deliver benzocaine, a common local anesthetic, to the scorched area. He claims that it will help speed up healing, which is already pretty fast in the mouth, and that the strip will not impair your voice as it dissolves.
So, thanks, Dr. McConville, because when pizza’s on a bagel, now we can finally eat pizza any time. Even straight out of the oven.
Come every year, without fail, around Christmas time, there are three films that I watch. We will go over them this month.
Got your gravity boots on, kids? Get ’em strapped down tight and super-charged, ‘cuz we’re going on a fantastic trip through space, time, and imagination! That’s right, we’ll be visiting amazing sights from Santa’s North Pole Workshop all the way to a fantastic Martian Toy Factory! We’ll see Earth kids meeting with Martian kids! We’ll even see a space-ship journey from Earth to Mars! It’s gonna be a humdinger, I tell ya! Watch out as Santa Claus Conquers the Martians!Continue reading →