Tag: Chernobyl

Men now anxious for Armageddon

We already knew that bras could save your breasts from swinging National Geographically, but did you know that a bra could save your life?

Well, not in every situation. It can save you from “chemicals as harsh as the ones at Chernobyl,” tuberculosis and maybe even pollen. But it won’t work on gunshots, bee stings, lightning, cancer, plane crashes, Daleks, meteorites, AIDS, high-five accidents, Shug Knight, sharks, samurai swords, faulty parachutes, the hand in the toilet, stampedes, ninjas, old age, skiing, HDL cholesterol, grammar Nazis, Nazi Nazis, wild boars, kitchen fires, improper flare use, licking a transformer, maulings, bludgeonings and quarterings.

Otherwise, they’ve successfully made the brassiere even more complicated.

They’re all just the right size now

While it can be debated for years on end why our country went to war, just keep in mind-at least we’re not arguing about food. Specifically, the shape of food.

Yes, in ol’ Blighty, the government has spent its time arguing about the shape of food. Not the condition of the food. Not the amount of food. Not even the color of food. No, for year, people have gotten out of shape (*rimshot*) over whether a banana was too bendy. Yes, you read that right. Too bendy.

Well, remorse no more, losers of the colonies! Yes, food that you would expect to be grown in either Chernobyl or on the moon (by Mooninites, mind you) can now find its way back into the markets run by Oliver Twist-esque street youths. Huzzah!

Sadly, there are two items that are still not on the list of foods: minstrels and hobos. Well, we’ll give them time…