Animals take a back seat in Illinois

Illinois has a lot of problems these days. For one thing, it’s got Chicago, with one of the highest murder rates in the country, not counting the slow murders brought on by deep-dish-pizza purveyors. But luckily, state legislators are ready to address one of the biggest issues facing the state: animals in cars.

A bill in the Illinois legislature would make it illegal for people to drive with their dogs on their laps. Not only is this a clear sign that the state is littered with those people, it’s a sign that the state lawmakers are ready to recognize the threat pets pose in the car.

We all know that dogs pretend to be our friends, acting stupid, all the while observing us and taking notes to take back to their leaders. This includes how to drive. Once the animals figure out how these machines work, they will be able to avoid the cars more effectively, cause them to crash more easily, and, dare we say it, learn to operate the motor vehicles themselves.

Plan ahead to avoid holiday shipping delays

Airlines lost your heads? Next time, pack them into a carry-on bag that can fit either under your seat or in the overhead bin.
Airlines lost your heads? Next time, pack them into a carry-on bag that can fit either under your seat or in the overhead bin.

If you’re still waiting for a Christmas present to arrive in the mail, including your 18-month membership in the Head of the Month Club, then you may need to make sure it hasn’t been seized by airport officials.

A shipment of 18 fully intact human heads failed to clear customs at Chicago O’Hare International Airport. They are currently being held by the Cook County Medical Examiner’s Office until their paperwork is sorted out. Once cleared, they should make it to their intended destination, a research facility near Chicago.

Hey, at least they didn’t get delivered to the wrong address.

Cost of feeding pigeons may go up, up, UP!

If you can cut off the lines of supply for the enemy in war, you can starve them out and nearly win the war in one fell swoop. One Chicago alderman is now using that line of thinking (we assume) to end the verminous scourge that is pigeons and we wholeheartedly support it!

James Cappelman is proposing to make it a majorly punishable crime to feed pigeons. Serial offenders could face up to a grand in a fine and six months in jail. We couldn’t be happier for this to pass, as doing so would not only strike a blow against our foes, but also clean up a major metropolitan city of our nation. Win-win!

Cappelman, you have all our SeriouslyGuys’ lobbying support! Oh, what’s that? We can’t lobby for you. No problem. You have our spiritual support instead.

Pen mightier than sword but brain mightier than nail

We’ve all played the high-stakes game of Rock Paper Scissors. Rock beats scissors, paper beats rock, scissors beat paper. But for the longest time, nothing really beat a nail, and for good reason: they hurt a lot! There’s a good reason why it’s not unusual to see nail guns used in video games, as they shoot high-velocity projectiles that inflict this troubling little sensation called massive amounts of pain.

But that’s not how Dante Autullo rolls, son.

Autullo was minding his own business, toiling away in his workshop when a nail gun randomly shot off. It wasn’t until the next day did he discover that the gun had shot a 3 and a quarter inch nail into his brain. That’s not even something Johnny Knoxville and crew would do. Outside of feeling nauseous and having the slight issue of a nail in his head, Autullo had no problems at all. WOW.

Their enlargened heart fits due to their enlargened cup size

It’s just about Christmas time, people: less than two weeks! And as you, and you, and you, and I all know, the reason for the season is what?

Strippers! No, I mean, kids. But what if we could combine the two?

Hold on, please don’t contact the local authorities or the FBI yet, as it’s not technically my idea. The idea actually belongs to the Admiral Theatre in Chicago. Yes, the Admiral Theatre has decided that this week, and this week only, kind and generous patrons that bring in an unwrapped, unused toy will get a free lap dance. Though it’s said that the free lap dance is limited to one per customer, it doesn’t say just one in a week.

Be kind and generous! You can help stimulate the economy by buying and toy and in doing so, help stimulate, ummm … your wallet holder. Yes, that’s what we’ll go with.

A lactacerbating situation

A woman charged with domestic violence and assault reportedly resisted arrest by spraying arresting police officers with breast milk. To specify: she hadn’t previously pumped it out, but whipped out an actual tittie (the right one, according to the Sheriff) and forcibly lactated on multiple deputies.

The plan backfired when the human breast milk–which is the best for growing police officers–gave the deputies stronger bones and muscles and delayed the onset of their osteoporosis, enabling them to remove her from her car.

The best robberies are the worst ones

It’s hard to fit a whole lot of stupid into one package. Nonetheless, some people manage to exceed our expectations. And for that, we must thank you.

Kimberly Ramirez is being charged with robbing more than eleven grand from a Chicago-land bank. That’s fairly normal enough, if you don’t account for her being captured just forty minutes later. It turns out that she left her debit card at the scene of the crime. Whoops.

Oh, and the demand note was written on the back of a prescription note made out in her name. Double whoops.

And we can’t forget that when the police found her at her apartment, she had managed to lock herself out of it. Triple whoops.

Some people just make it easy.

The barf bags will get more use

The experience of flying is getting worse and worse, thanks to airlines. But there is good news coming to some travelers seeking some shelter from the stress of no meals, small seats, endless delays and frisky security frisks, at least for those heading through Chicago.

Fliers going through Chicago O’Hare or Midway could be treated to the abolition of last call in bars. The proposed plan is to let airport bars stay open around the clock, if they pay more for their liquor licenses. Flying is about to get a little blurrier.

[via Consumerist]

Great Lakes gone to carp

The press is buzzing with what must be the most spell-checked story in the War on Animals. According to Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm, the federal government is not doing enough to fight carp.

Gov. Granholm–along with the governors of Ohio, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin (commonly referred to as “the carp states”)–has asked the White House and the U.S. Supreme Court to shut Chicago-area locks. This strategy encloses the carp into a proverbial barrel for killing before they can reach the Great Lakes, which are only getting carpier and carpier by the minute.

Critics of the lock closing plan, including Assistant Secretary of the Army of Civil Works (the Fightin’ Civil Workers!) Jo-Ellen Darcy said the plan is total crap because the carp can still get pumped out of a Chicago station.

One thing’s for sure: unless we scoop these carp out of our water systems, we’ll be up to our armpits in it.

The Ron Artest of the party

Got a little Ron Artest in you? In sporting news that doesn’t involve Tiger Woods’ latest hole in one, Artest is back in the news for admitting that he used to drink cognac at halftime during his rookie season. His explanation: the Bulls sucked.

Thanks Ron, but that’s why majority of the country, especially those located in Chicago for the past twelve years, choose to drink while watching their crappy teams play. They don’t play professionally, get tanked and … I don’t know … attack people in the stands. Why do you think I drink, Senor Artest? I’m a Knicks fan.