Tag: chicago

Have you had your bling today?

A Chicago man has filed a lawsuit against McDonald’s Corporation after he says he swallowed a gold earring in his sandwich. No, this was not a Happy Meal toy.

The plaintiff, Boguslaw Nedza, claims that after he ate the sandwich “the earring became lodged in his throat and stomach and efforts to remove it by emergency personnel were unsuccessful.” What does this mean? It means that Nedza is now suing McDonald’s for the injuries he sustained from ingesting the jewelry. It also means that Nedza probably had to poop out the earring.

Heh, poop.

Among the charges McDonald’s faces is failing to “prepare and serve food in a reasonable safe condition,” and failing to warn Nedza that his food contained “a gold earring with a sharp needle and clasp rending it unfit for consumption.” Because, you know, that’s something they regularly do.

Also, I’m not sure if the name “Boguslaw” is a fake name or not. It could totally go either way.

Admiral Obama be showin’ his true colors!

Yar! We knew that there be a reason for why a landlubber like Barack Obama was voted in as President of the United States of America-and there it be! Why look, he’s clearly holding up a lad while his crew be standing behind him! Look at him earning his bequeathed name of Squinty Fireship Stormwatcher! Why, there’s even some foggy background in the sky behind him. We can only hope that some saucy tunes join The S.S. Blanco, but he avoids comely wenches.

We’ve already seen what happens when admirals be attracted to their charms.

Wait a sea-cow floating minute. What’re ye saying that this be a PR stunt? Ye be saying that it be nothing more than a big dose of chicanery? That it simply be a stunt? Curse my eyes!

Well, he might be skilled with an unreal sword, but be he deft with a blade?

YAR!

Another reason to keep your corpse at home

From this month's issue of Home Decorpse! AH-HAHAHAhahaha ...Another cemetery scandal has been unearthed (ha!), this time near Chicago, Illinois. Police are accusing some unnamed workers of digging up over 300 bodies in graves nobody visited, dumping the remains and reselling the plots for personal profit.

It’s ghoulish, but what’s the point? Sure, there’s the aspect where the business end was cheating the owners out of their coinage, but did it matter where these dead people were forgotten? Family members weren’t reporting the disappearances, history didn’t care about them … who cares if they become bean-bag chair filler?

(In fact, what may be the few undisturbed graves were those of African-American civil rights pioneers: people who won’t be forgotten for some time.)

So, let’s save the outrage, and maybe reevaluate our country’s obsession with immortalization after death. It’s–clearly–not immortal, and you ain’t no pharaoh. Or, if you’re really worried, keep your dead at home.

He has a hairdo for radio

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is back! And by back, we mean on the radio! (No word on how many Nickelback songs he plays every hour on the hour.)

Blagojevich went to the airways in Chicago, flippin’ wax and playin’ tracks and criticizing the current governor for supporting a state income tax increase. The new governor, Pat Quinn, took over after Blagojevich got caught up in the home game version of Payolla.

While the show was reportedly a mixed success according to bored people who listen to disgraced politicos on the radio, Blagojevich is reportedly anxious to find sponsors:

“It’s a ####ing valuable thing — thing. You just don’t give it away for nothing,” Blagojevich said.

“I’ve got this thing, and it’s ####ing golden. And I’m just not giving it up for ####ing nothing. I’m not going to do it, and I can always use it; I can parachute me there.”

Big business-as-usual sullies tallest U.S. building

Ladies and gentlemen, we cannot go any further with this story until you are seated and firmly gripping your stress balls.

…

Are you prepared to be distressed? We warned you.

Global insurance broker, Willis Group Holdings, is forcing the Sears Tower to change its name to Willis Tower. They plan to lease mulitple floors in the building, and the name change is part of their corporate hostile takeover demands.

How dare they? What makes these business-types think we want to see a corporate logo on every historic landmark?

It’s bad enough that these companies have slathered their monikers on every sports arena, but what’s next? Is Mrs. Fields going to move the headquarters of her mall cookie franchise into the Statue of Liberty and force us to call it the Statue of Mrs. Fields?

(You like it, you really like it.)

No. We, The Guys, refuse to play ball. It will always be called the Sears Tower in our hearts and on this Web site, Wall Street blood money regardless. We’d like to think there’s a few things in this country that the highest dollar can’t buy.

In democratic America, video tapes you

In a story more meta than anything written by Grant Morrison, two former Neiman Marcus security employees who were paid to secretly videotape customers as they shopped are now suing their bosses for secretly videotaping them … as they had relations in the security office. Relations of the biblical manner. Whoopsidoodle. Of course, the story does ask the question of how could they have possibly guessed that someone would be watching them?

Sarah Palin?

Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin? Sarah Palin! Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin! Sarah Palin!

Sarah Palin!

Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin.

By the way, guess who has a nude portrait currently hanging in a North Side Chicago bar. Who says the (potential) vice president can’t inspire people?

And on the left, you’ll see our Darwinism exhibit

In Chicago, five teens were arrested for breaking into a video game store. Two of the five might have escaped successfully if they were smart enough to avoid the cops, but instead they asked the officers for a ride home. Looks like the kindergarten entry exam wasn’t the only test that they failed.

First, some back-story: a local heard glass breaking at a video game store and phoned the Chicago police, who responded and managed to find a shattered glass window and three burglars. The three ran; police managed to capture one, but the other two escaped. Two more “lookout” men (and that makes five) were also arrested. Obviously, their vision was a bit impaired.

The two that fled the scene flagged down a police car and asked for a ride home. At first, the officer explained to them that their department did not offer rides, but then quickly noticed that the two men matched the descriptions of the suspects. Draw your own conclusions about that.

Obviously these two MENSA candidates aren’t true gamers. Why so? For two simple rules.

1. Basic gaming instinct would tell you to lay low. Crouch. Crawl on your belly. Trudge around in a box, even.

2. And above all else, you never ask for ride. You’re supposed to yank the officer out of the car and steal it. Right, Jack?

Eat My Sports: Quarterly calls

Officially past the quarter mark of the 2008 MLB season and we’ve had some surprises, some things we’ve expected and the last place Yankees. We’re going to size up the top teams in each league, then give you the one team to look out for. Us in the sporting world call this the “wild card,” look it up.

AL East
At 31-20 the newly christened Tampa Bay Rays have the best percentage mark thus far. I really like the Rays, their young talent is spry and standing tall like a seasoned porn vet. The longevity of this club to sustain season-long success isn’t going to hold though. It’s going flop like Ron Jeremy staring down a donkey. Don’t expect the Yankees to finish in the cellar, but don’t expect them to beat out Boston or Tampa either. The Rays’ pitching will falter down the stretch, and look for the Sox to take the crown, but the Rays in the wild card. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Quarterly calls

Expressions of love

There’s a lot of talk going around amongst the womenfolk about how there are no good men out there, or that men are in capable of a meaningful relationship. We submit this to you as evidence to the contrary.

An Australian man was getting into his car with his 5-year-old daughter in one arm and a case of beer in the other. Being a responsible parent, and protecting what he loves, he buckled in one of the passengers. The only problem is he buckled in his beer and not his daughter. Strangely enough, the police were not happy to find this, and fined him A$750.

In Chicago, for some strange reason, one man calls Pabst Blue Ribbon his favorite beer. In case you one day happen to attend his funeral, you will know it, too, because he has designed a coffin that looks like a can of the beer. And for those of you entering the cause of death pool, cirrhosis has been taken already.