Giant chicken presents existential threat

As humans, we think we’re in charge of the Earth. Then we see a monster to remind us that our survival has never been a guarantee. This week’s monster is that giant chicken.

The viral video of a chicken that looks, well, larger than any chicken ever should, has been making the rounds this week. A lot of people say it has to be a hoax. We’d love to tell you that it is, but the sad fact is that we do indeed live in a world where giant chickens exist. Turns out, it’s called a Brahma chicken. They can weigh up to 18 pounds, which is like a heavy cat or medium-size dog, and they look like they have enough feathers for a hotel’s worth of pillows.

We don’t know what they want from us, and we don’t know when they will strike. But we do know that spring is here, and it’s time to fire up the grill.

Romanian politician convicted of buying votes with fried chicken

This can feed 10 and buy as many votes.
This can feed 10 and buy as many votes.

Here in America, we like to pretend that our votes matter. Despite the fact that our forefathers set up the electoral college, and the Supreme Court over the years blowing the doors wide open for the super rich to buy any campaign they want, we like to feel special. But we don’t have access to our leaders like they do in Romania.

A member of the Romanian parliament has been convicted bribing voters. His bribe: a whole lot of fried chicken. Florin Popescu will serve two years in jail for buying votes with an estimated 55 tons of fried chicken. Investigators said he had entire trucks filled with fried chicken be delivered “for election purposes.”

Love that chicken from Popescu.

Delicious, inedible, dangerous food

What happens when you cross a truck full of chicken that’s collided with a truck full of bees?

If you said honey-glazed grilled chicken, you’d be wrong and may God have mercy upon your soul.

If you said angry bees flying around chicken that’s been incinerated after being covered in diesel, the Indio police have some questions they’d like to ask you.

Cocking up world affairs in Eastern Europe

"Get it? Chicken Kiev? It's a traditional Russian dish and the capital of Ukraine? (Nice boy, but about as  sharp as a bowling ball.)"
“Get it? Chicken Kiev? It’s a traditional Russian dish and the capital of Ukraine? (Nice boy, but about as sharp as a bowling ball.)”

Russia is very serious about sanctions concerning Ukraine.

“How serious are they?!” you ask, suspiciously helpful reader who remembers a Johnny Carson bit from 30 years ago.

They’re so serious that they’re willing to give up Chicken Kiev in response.

This is how the world ends: not with a bang, but with a piano note

There’s been a lot of animal news lately, some good, some bad. This is news of potentially both.

A zookeeper has taught a chicken how to play the piano. Miki Nagatoshi feels that chickens are severely underrated and capable of learning anything with enough practice. Lady, if there’s one thing that The Guys do, it’s never underrate any of our enemies in this war.

It’s a little disturbing to think about how a chicken can play a piano. Unknowingly, what if Nagatoshi has given our fowl/foul enemies a way to set off bombs without even being there?

On the bright side, at least this is one more blow against Big Player Piano.

Come on in for 75 cent wings!

If you like wings, you’re not alone. Buffalo, barbecue, etc., they are growing in popularity, and that’s actually not a good thing.

Because so many jerks out there like the same bar food that you do, the price of chicken wings is increasing this year. Wings have increased in price by 39% since the 1970s, even with inflation. Last year they cost $1.47 per pound. So we’ll see if gas or wings make it to $3 first.

This is now creating a market for my new idea: buffalo chicken feet!

A racist southern colonel? Preposterous!

KFC has found itself in an awkward situation after an Australian ad campaign made its way to YouTube sparking accusations of racism from its American audience. Looks like they’ve should’ve just double downed instead.

The Aussie “Cricket Survival Guide” commercial shows a white man in a crowd of cheering black cricket fans. The Australian fan, named Mick, asks “Need a tip when you’re stuck in an awkward situation?” and then hands a bucket of KFC fried chicken to the black fans. The YouTube video had more than 250,000 views Wednesday afternoon and viewers left more than 3,300 comments.

Yeeeeeaaaaahhhhh……..

KFC Australia told Adelaide Now that while the ad could be perceived as racist, it was misunderstood by the American audience.

“It is a light-hearted reference to the West Indian cricket team,” the company said in a statement. “The ad was reproduced online in the U.S. without KFC’s permission, where we are told a culturally-based stereotype exists, leading to the incorrect assertion of racism.

“We unequivocally condemn discrimination of any type and have a proud history as one of the world’s leading employers for diversity.”

That’s some smooth damage controlin’ you got there. KFC Australia is now removing the television advertisement that was being run in conjunction with the Australian cricket season.

And there was much Ran Ran Ruu-ing

War Journal, Entry 3456:

We finally found the body of Colonel Sanders. Well, at least, most of it. He was in Japan. It wasn’t pretty. The cause of death? Drowning. Three-legged chicken breasts were served at the funeral.”

The Colonel ended up at the bottom of the river in 1985, when delirious Hanshin Tigers fans celebrating the team’s first Central League title in 21 years decided the figure bore a striking resemblance to Tigers slugger Randy Bass and, lifting it off its base in front of the Dotonbori Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise, gave the Colonel a victory toss.

It just goes to show that that no matter where you’re from, when your team wins, you gotta trash something.

The last place we’d look

… Or so that chicken thought!

That’s right: an elusive character in the War on Animals, a chicken, tried to hide out in a McDonald’s. She allegedly chose the fast food franchise as their hideout since they don’t really serve chicken in their nuggets, sandwiches or Fried Chicken McSundaes. However, she wore out her protectors’ patience by interfering in drive-“thru” transactions.

In response to their pleas for help, we’ve nabbed her. She will be held indefinitely¬†until the Colonel conducts her military tribunal.

For those of you playing along at home, we’ve¬†eliminated the Four of Clubs in the War on Animals’ Speak and Spell No Evil Deck of Most Wanted Enemy Combatants (or WoASSNEDMWEC). This card is now a wild card in any deck and, when played, grants the player to pass out 200 drinks to the other players.