You may have heard yesterday that some animals were on the loose.
My friends, animals on the loose isn’t limited to just one area of the country.
A truck driver began falling asleep while traveling down the highway. Little did he know that his oncoming dreams would signal horror. His truck then made its way into another, jackknifing and losing its load like the truck was called Peter N. No, that’s too obvious. Perhaps P. North? Yes, that’ll work. Anyways, after crashing, the load was lost … and then on the loose.
Yes, the trucker was carrying live materials, this time in the form of chickens. Hundreds of chickens were set free, blocking traffic for miles on end. As you can see from the picture in the link, these chickens weren’t tiny spring hens. The worst part though is that nowhere in the link is it mentioned that all of these monster chickens were caught. Be safe and cautious, people of California. Shoot to kill and fry to eat.
When you shot and killed your turkey this Thanksgiving, did you really end up using the whole bird? If you’re like The Guys, you kept the head as a trophy, put the gizzard in formaldehyde until you can figure what the hell it’s for, and used the feathers to fluff up that pillow that’s been bothering you. Then you made a xylophone with its bones.
When we kill animals, especially when we do it legally, we find uses for all the parts of the animal we offed. Luckily, corporations are catching on to this trend, too. Companies these days are all about finding ways to sell the parts of the beasts that we don’t like to eat or clothe ourselves with. They’re all about turning the fat into soap, making diesel fuel, they’re even going all soilent green and putting real chickens in the chicken feed.
We here at SG just want to encourage all of you to do the same. Remember, if you kill enough squirrels, you can make a homeless man a coat that could save his life.
I hope you’re sitting down. I’ve got some very bad news.
No, I’m talking about a man attempting to create government funded dinosaurs by fusing chickens with ancient DNA and thus destroy us all. Nor am I talking about how science has managed to create the scariest looking monkeys of all time.
Yet still am I not talking about how the Department of Veterans Affairs managed to “accidentally” diagnose over eighteen hundred veterans with Lou Gehrig’s disease. Whoopsidoodle!
What I am talking about is the potential latest victim of the economic crisis: beer.
It appears that due to low sales volumes across the world, brewers are going to be raising prices. Anheuser-Busch InBev has already announced that they’ll be increasing the cost of alcohol pure sip come this fall. But it doesn’t with just the crappy beer produced by them. MillerCoors and Heineken will be raising their prices as well, though MillerCoors states that this is “part of the company’s regular fall increases.”
So, what does this mean for you, faithful reader? Not a lot of good. Despite the hurricane/tornado/storm speculator mentality that this will sound like, I can wholeheartedly recommend rushing out and buying up beer at the price it is now, if it hasn’t been raised. I’m already hurt by the decisions. It’s hard enough for me to find Sam Adam’s Summer Ale (my personal favorite) as it is right now, since the season is essentially over for it-but to pay more for it? Talk about paying painfully for pleasure.