Vegetarian attacks chicken truck, is veggie-fascism on the rise?

Vegetarians walk among us with impunity, because there is something deeply wrong with society. These are people who willingly gave up eating bacon cheeseburgers so that bacon and cheeseburgers wouldn’t be killed in their name. Sometimes they even break the law to help out animals.

In Georgia, a vegetarian woman told authorities that she hit a chicken truck simply because it was a truck carrying chickens. According to authorities, the 26-year-old woman had been drinking when she saw the chicken truck and drove into it with her own car, then hit it again for good measure. No one was injured, and the woman left the scene of the accident. She was tracked down because her license plate fell off at the scene of the crime. She was arrested and charged.

This incident highlights something this blog has been saying for years: vegetarians are dangerous and mean real harm to our democracy. They cannot be engaged in civil discussion because they push an ideology not based in reality, and they are frequently violent. We must challenge and shout down these alt-meat thugs.

No one expects the Spanish Gallus domesticus!

"I claim this land, its gold and its scratch for España!"
“I claim this land, its gold and its scratch for España!”

If you thought Peruvian chicken was good because it’s closely related to Huli-huli chicken, then we have some bad news for you. (And if you don’t know about Huli-huli chicken, haole, then you need to learn.) Recent DNA testing of ancient and modern South American chickens shows no evidence of a direct relation to modern chickens found on Polynesian islands.

The tests were to help determine whether Polynesian explorers reached South America before Europeans, bringing with them the Original Recipe. This idea developed from finding chicken bones dating back to the 1300s in Chile, before Columbus and the conquistadors.

However, this doesn’t outright disprove the theory that Polynesians didn’t get to South America. After all, we still can’t explain how sweet potatoes — a South American plant — spread across the islands before Captain Cook arrived in the 18th Century. If Polynesians brought their chickens to South America, it could be that they didn’t last long. Especially if they were up against the Spanish Inquisition, something they’d never expect.

‘Bet you’ll never look at birds the same way again’

Becoming a scientist isn’t easy. There’s years of school and hard work, but when you finally get there, you get to put fake tails on chickens and make money doing it.

Researchers at the University of Chicago and the University of Chile want to know how the Tyrannosaurus rex walked millions of years ago. So, rather than set up a computer model based on what we know of their skeletal structure, they took some chickens and strapped dinosaur tails on them. Because math is hard.

The chicken is one of the closest living relatives to many species of dinosaur, including T. rex. If we get to humiliate the kin of the once-rulers of the Earth, it’s kind of like we get to rub it in their faces, too.

Alert! Chickens on the loose!

You may have heard yesterday that some animals were on the loose.

My friends, animals on the loose isn’t limited to just one area of the country.

A truck driver began falling asleep while traveling down the highway. Little did he know that his oncoming dreams would signal horror. His truck then made its way into another, jackknifing and losing its load like the truck was called Peter N. No, that’s too obvious. Perhaps P. North? Yes, that’ll work. Anyways, after crashing, the load was lost … and then on the loose.

Yes, the trucker was carrying live materials, this time in the form of chickens. Hundreds of chickens were set free, blocking traffic for miles on end. As you can see from the picture in the link, these chickens weren’t tiny spring hens. The worst part though is that nowhere in the link is it mentioned that all of these monster chickens were caught. Be safe and cautious, people of California. Shoot to kill and fry to eat.

Remember: skulls make excellent cups

When you shot and killed your turkey this Thanksgiving, did you really end up using the whole bird? If you’re like The Guys, you kept the head as a trophy, put the gizzard in formaldehyde until you can figure what the hell it’s for, and used the feathers to fluff up that pillow that’s been bothering you. Then you made a xylophone with its bones.

When we kill animals, especially when we do it legally, we find uses for all the parts of the animal we offed. Luckily, corporations are catching on to this trend, too. Companies these days are all about finding ways to sell the parts of the beasts that we don’t like to eat or clothe ourselves with. They’re all about turning the fat into soap, making diesel fuel, they’re even going all soilent green and putting real chickens in the chicken feed.

We here at SG just want to encourage all of you to do the same. Remember, if you kill enough squirrels, you can make a homeless man a coat that could save his life.

It’s worse than we thought

I hope you’re sitting down. I’ve got some very bad news.

No, I’m talking about a man attempting to create government funded dinosaurs by fusing chickens with ancient DNA and thus destroy us all. Nor am I talking about how science has managed to create the scariest looking monkeys of all time.

Yet still am I not talking about how the Department of Veterans Affairs managed to “accidentally” diagnose over eighteen hundred veterans with Lou Gehrig’s disease. Whoopsidoodle!

What I am talking about is the potential latest victim of the economic crisis: beer.

It appears that due to low sales volumes across the world, brewers are going to be raising prices. Anheuser-Busch InBev has already announced that they’ll be increasing the cost of alcohol pure sip come this fall. But it doesn’t with just the crappy beer produced by them. MillerCoors and Heineken will be raising their prices as well, though MillerCoors states that this is “part of the company’s regular fall increases.”

So, what does this mean for you, faithful reader? Not a lot of good. Despite the hurricane/tornado/storm speculator mentality that this will sound like, I can wholeheartedly recommend rushing out and buying up beer at the price it is now, if it hasn’t been raised. I’m already hurt by the decisions. It’s hard enough for me to find Sam Adam’s Summer Ale (my personal favorite) as it is right now, since the season is essentially over for it-but to pay more for it? Talk about paying painfully for pleasure.