Technology has shaped the modern world, and it has brought us a golden age of entertainment. But these technological advancements come with a steep price. “Netflix and chill” might be a lie, it turns out.
According to a new study, we’re not having as much sex as we used to. In fact, if you’re married, you’re in the biggest sexual rut of your life. (We’re not saying it, science is saying it.) In 1990, American married couples had sex an average of 73 times a year, but that dropped to just 55 times a year in 2014. Among the reasons for this decline in sexual activity researchers blamed were on-demand entertainment, such as your DVR, Netflix or even YouTube. Because we’re not as bored at night, we’re no longer turning to our spouses for entertainment.
Also listed as a C-block was having children. Parents are having kids later in life these days, and taking care of young kids really kills the mood.
The researchers believe there are several factors — you can guilt adult children into caring for you, older adults may live healthier lives to beat their grandchildren when their kids aren’t looking. Personally, we think childless older people are more likely to fall off their jetskis or flip their dune buggies. You know, the ones they can afford when they retire because they didn’t pay for tuition, karate gis and dowries.
Researchers also noted that when people who live longer with children are asked about that time, they agree that life does feel longer and “like, an eternity since they pooped with the door closed.”
No adult likes going to events for children, unless they’re a stay-at-home parent and it’s the only hope for excitement. But what if the problem with boring kid things isn’t the children, but the adults in attendance?
In Connecticut, adults filled with the spirit of Easter took their kids to an Easter egg hunt, and then ran over any child who got in their way. The event was held at PEZ headquarters, and featured roughly 9,000 eggs, which is clearly not enough to go around. That’s why there were reports of adults stealing eggs and egg baskets from kids, and even knocking some kids down as they raced to beat them to find eggs.
Last week in California, a kindergarten play was briefly entertaining when a fight broke out among parents in the front row. According to police, things got chippy when people sitting in the front row had their views obstructed by parents walking to the front to take pictures of their kids. One woman in particular refused to move when a principal asked her to sit down, and shoving match ensued. The play had to be called early.
Let that be a lesson to all the parents out there: If you want to get out of your kid’s thing early, just start a fight so the cancel it.
Toddlers — they’re short, they’re lazy, and they won’t shut up about all the meaningless stuff that pops into their heads. But are they adults? Idaho thinks they might be.
The Idaho of Representatives just passed a bill that would allow children under the age of 14 to possess a firearm. Some of you might be saying, “That doesn’t seem so bad, parents should be able to share a hobby with their kids.” However the bill, as it’s written, has no minimum age on who can carry a pistol. That means that if the Idaho Senate passes the bill, babies could legally carry handguns. And we’re not even to the worst part.
The bill addresses handguns only, and requires an adult be present at all times — but the intent of the bill is to bring state laws on pistols into line with those on rifles and shotguns. That’s right, it’s legal for a toddler in Idaho can carry a shotgun provided they are actually strong enough to carry it.
It’s not easy to reach children these days. They’re little assholes, and they think they know everything, and the education system fails to help. And that means it’s tough being a teacher. That’s why it’s important to shock the kids.
Modern parents kind of suck, don’t they? Individually, they’re nice people, but as a group, they’re insufferable. Plus, they all hate each other’s views on parenthood. Everyone thinks they know what they’re doing, which means that no one actually does.
Our children are in danger, even at school, a place where they should be able to feel safe, if anywhere. The biggest threat the youth of American feel today, is of course, Axe body spray.
For some reason, canisters of this stuff are legal for citizens to buy, because of the Bill of Rights. Even though our forefathers could never have anticipated the dangers we face today, we haven’t banned this stuff. Emergency crews were recently called to a prep school in Brooklyn, N.Y., after one such canister was released in a 6th grade classroom. Eight students were hospitalized and two others went to their family doctors.
Parents who tell their kids cautionary tales about their previous drug, tobacco and alcohol use may be counter-intuitively driving those kids to the (prescription) bottle. That’s according to a new study that found that “the more often the parents talked about regret over their own use, the bad things that happened, and that they’d never use it again, the students were more likely to report pro-substance-use beliefs.”
The researchers didn’t find a direct link between boring your kids with tales of your youth and their need for a drink afterwards, just an interesting correlation. However, the Guys feel it is safe to say that you should never try to relate to a teenager. They may look human, but that’s just what they want you to think.
Frequent readers already know that The Guys are entrepreneurs. We entered the booze business recently by selling Baby Merlot, a brand of wine that trains future drinkers in the womb so that they’ll be more advanced than their wine cooler-sipping peers in Kindergarten.
We’re no proud to introduce phase two: Toddler Wine. Toddler Wine is available in white, red or blush and is served in mommy’s glass. This will help mommy share sips of her wine with her toddler, fostering shared interests, all while keeping Junior in training for the big league drinks in high school. Basically, if Baby Merlot is our Childhood Development program’s Baby Mozart, then Toddler Wine is our Sesame Street.
But what about after the toddler years? The Guys are busy in our lab, trying on each other’s coats. And also working out the kinks in our beer and liquor programs.
You know when you think you have a great idea because nobody’s doing it, and you find out it’s because the Nazis did it, giving you that oogie feeling Indiana Jones got after discovering his girlfriend was a Nazi and banging his dad? Anti-vaccine people, get ready to feel oogie: the Taliban has banned polio vaccines.
In a choice between airstrikes and polio, Taliban militants in North and South Waziristan, Pakistan, have chosen polio. They will prevent health workers and volunteers from immunizing an estimated 280,000 children until the U.S. halts drone airstrikes in the region. So, it’s not because they believe that vaccines cause illness, which is surprisingly scientific for a group of backwards religious fanatics.
But, let’s not get congratulatory here. As Taliban commander, Hafiz Gul Bahadur says, the drone strikes “are worse than polio,” which is a pretty bold statement from a guy who can probably walk. Still, we’re sure this decision won’t hurt their future recruiting at all, so long as they’re comfortable with the next generation Rascal scooter bombing infidels.