It’s so good, it’s bad

Parents, science is telling you some very important news right: stop allowing your children to have best friends.

At least, that’s what counseling science is saying. According to them, community friendships are the way to go-that way, there’s less chance of feeling let down and having scheduling conflicts.

Of course, that does jack all for children that might be considered outcasts or isolated, but they’re probably the ones that would do a violent school rampage, right? Right.

Also bad for kids: birthday cake, violent toys, daydreaming and not being as smart as adults. Oh, and drenching me with a super soaker after I’ve politely and calmly asked you not to. But I digress.

At least someone’s listening

Hey kids! Are you having trouble sleeping at night? Of course you’re not, you’re a kid, you don’t want to go to bed because you’re not tired.

Hey parents! Are you sick of having to get your children to sleep at night? Do you feel bad about how many times you drug them so they’ll pass out? Just have them watch one of Venezuela President Hugo Chavez’s speeches.

Chavez said several children have told him that they recognize him from the television–when they go to sleep. The children were promptly executed.

It’s a breakout!

A group of adolescents interred at an internet addiction boot camp rose up against their oppressors last week, restraining their supervisor and fleeing the facility to taste sweet, sweet freedom. At least until their parents sent them back. Bummer.

China admits it has an internet addiction problem, which is the first step towards recovery. The popular second step right now is sending teens and adults addicted to the internet and online gaming to boot camps, where instructors use military techniques to try and instill a sense of discipline in folks who’d rather just play World of Warcraft.

A group of 14 addicts aged 15 to 22 interred at the Huai’an Internet Addiction Treatment Centre in China’s Jiangsu province decided they’d had enough last week, tying their supervisor to his bed and fleeing the grounds. Their freedom was short-lived, however. All 14 were caught by police after failing to pay the fare for a taxi they used in their daring escape. Thirteen of those have already been returned to the center by their parents. Someone sound The Price Is Right’s fail horn for me, would you please?

Down with the racist youth

If there’s one thing The Guys hate, it’s animals. But if we could choose another thing to hate, we’d say racism. We hate any white devil who doesn’t see people of different colors as their equal. This is why we have to deal with the issue of children.

According to a study, most white kids are biased toward lighter skinned people, the same is true to a lesser extent with African-American kids. Why are our kids so racist? Really, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that we eliminate children from our society, because their time for preaching hate is over. We need to start picketing outside classrooms, protesting them at their homes, and even deny them cookies as punishment.

The future is too important to leave in the hands of a child.

Irony alert


Somebody, start thinking of the children!

In 2009, candy-like nicotine orbs were released into the market, designed for people who need that nicotine fix but are in a no-smoking at all situation. They’re small, dissoluble and come in two delightful flavors: cinnamon and mint. There’s no way that could cause trouble.

Oh, right-children will put anything into their mouth that can fit in it. Yeeps. That appears to be causing a bit of a problem among the kiddies, as they’re popping the orbs like there’s no tomorrow when they can get their fat little hands on them, resulting in infant and child poisoning. Who would guessed?

Ronald McDonald: Member of the Illuminati

A consumer advocacy group claims it’s time for Ronald McDonald to go, saying the nation’s largest fast-food chain’s “Chief Happiness Officer” has too much influence on kids. Yes, you read that right.

Corporate Accountability International will release a report looking at how McDonald’s uses Ronald McDonald as a marketing tool to market unhealthy products to children. The report includes information on childhood obesity rates, health and how Americans see Ronald McDonald.

McDonald’s, however, says Ronald McDonald is a “beloved brand ambassador” for the fast-food chain.

“He is the heart and soul of Ronald McDonald House Charities, which lends a helping hand to families in their time of need. Ronald also helps deliver messages to families on many important subjects such as safety, literacy, and the importance of physical activity and making balanced food choices.”

Corporate Accountability International plans to hold nearly two dozen events at McDonald’s restaurants and at colleges around the country Wednesday as it announces the contents of its report on Ronald McDonald. Events are being held in New York City, Boston, Chicago, Orlando, Greensboro, N.C., Minneapolis, San Francisco and Burlington, Vt., among other locations.

The advocacy group has also launched campaigns against bottled water and tobacco companies. So, you know, the group’s got that going for it.

The McBournie Minute: The menace that is food

The world is a dangerous place, and that goes double if you are a small child. Why, if you aren’t watched carefully, you are liable to choke yourself to death inside a plastic bag. Children are incredibly stupid, I believe science can back me up on that one.

As you may have heard, the American Academy of Pediatrics said earlier today that there should be labels on types of food that are choking hazards for small children. Hot dogs, grapes and small carrots rank among the most deadly for young children.

I know what you’re thinking. Back in my day, we ate out hot dogs cut up and dunked in ketchup. We didn’t get to eat whole hot dogs on a bun. No, we ate it sliced and we liked it that way. Does that mean that I had parents who actually paid attention to simple dangers as most parents should, thus negating the need for these labels in the first place? Hell no! In fact, I agree with the AAP. I think we need labels on more than just the types of foods they listed. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The menace that is food

It worked for Beethoven

If you’ve ever encountered children, then we will guarantee you’ve wanted to hit at least one of them. Don’t get all defensive; some of them practically ask for it.

For some reason, this practice has been frowned upon, resulting in criminal charges and governments taking children away. And as of lately, you can’t even shake a baby when they get unruly, even if they have a gun!

Fortunately, Marjorie Gunnoe of Calvin College is on our side! Psychology professor Gunnoe has found in her research that children smacked before the age of six are more likely to perform better at school, do voluntary work and want to go to college when they are teenagers than their non-tenderized peers.

Our only suggestion? If you’re going to sock your toddler for airline terrorism, avoid the head. They’ll need that for the college they want to attend.

The clown is dead! Long live the current clown!

Michael Polakovs, the first person to portray Ronald McDonald, died at age 86. He was originally hired in 1966 by McDonald’s to help create the character. Polakovs must have been proud to know that the clown he created made it around the world. He also probably wept deeply and often when he saw the Japanese version, though.

Speaking of Japan’s Ronald McDonald, allow me to show you just why he’s so terrifying. Hit the cut to see why. Continue reading The clown is dead! Long live the current clown!

The McBournie Minute: Winter colds, and the children that cause them

With the health care bill now being debated in the U.S. Senate (take a walk with me, it will be entertaining, I promise) and winter now upon us, there is a lot of talk about how to keep healthy despite colds, H1N1 and children that want us out of the way so that they can eat all the candy they want.

Right now I have a cold, but that is fairly unusual for me. You see, I have what is called a strong immune system (which female can detect through their sense of smell, so you’re just going to have to trust me on this one). Right now I have The Thing That’s Going Around. You know, the nose, the throat, the cough. It sucks.

So I’m here this week to give you a few pointers on how to stay healthy, and should you fail at this, get better soon. You’re welcome, America. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Winter colds, and the children that cause them