One of the perks to the holiday season is spending time with your family watching 24 hours of A Christmas Story, with an occasional switch-over to It’s a Wonderful Life. This is a time-honored tradition that predates even television, going back all the way back to public executions. But, even that may not last much longer: the European Union has tightened restrictions on selling lethal injection drugs to nations that still perform capital punishment (leading to an obvious question: what does a nation that doesn’t execute prisoners use lethal injection juices for?)
I could spend time answering that parenthetical, but who cares what a bunch of Europeans do with sodium thiopental or pentobarbital? The United States is in a real pickle here. If we don’t figure out a way to humanely execute our citizens, then we might have to actually consider the ramifications of a government that kills its citizens.
Fortunately, I’ve done some research and believe I may have found some alternatives so that we can get back to killing people without hangings or beheadings. Continue reading
As we count the hours to Happy Hour, let’s look at other numbers in the news today.
A senior U.S. official took exception to the claim that CIA drone attacks in Pakistan killed around 2,000 militants (hooray!) and 168 children (boo!). The numbers come from a report released by the London-based Bureau of Investigative Journalism. The official agreed with the militant death count, but found it hard to believe that the drones only killed 168 kids, who are slower, dumber and attracted to flying robots.
And, speaking of the UK, at least 1,700 suspects have been arrested in connection with rioting that began in Tottenham and spread wherever stores still had iPads. Scotland Yard said “that number is changing all the time,” which has led Parliament to authorize prospecting for a New Australia.
It’s tough being a parent because, no matter how much you drug your kids, they just won’t stop asking questions. This will be no different about the death of Osama bin Laden.
This is a complicated topic, especially with your hangover from last night’s grave-dancing, so The Guys put together a few ways to explain:
- “Osama’s on a terror farm upstate, where he can bomb and bomb and bomb.”
- “He was a bad man, and bad men are punished by the government. Now, did you do your homework?”
- “Did your friends tell you he was dead? Because that’s just what they want you to think!”
Or, you could just wait for the movie to explain it to them.
If the latest surveys are to be believed, 92 percent of U.S. children are online and reading SeriouslyGuys before the age of two. Actually, a full quarter of children started their Guysville (launching very soon!*) game accounts before even exiting the womb.
So, to all of the parents of those children, we just want to assure you that your progeny’s mind is safe with us. Don’t even bother monitoring their online habits; just set the parental controls to keep it on this Web site and go have a drink.
OK, are they gone?
Awesome! Welcome to SeriouslyGuys! Have you checked out our Booze News section? You can’t have a Facebook profile without documented drunken escapades! And here’s how to set your privacy settings so your parents will never know.
*Never happening: our promise to you.
Due to the overindulgence of a few landlubber thieves on Wall Street, times be tough for Buccaneer-Americans of all shapes and sizes. But we be not the only ones keeping an extra eye on the treasure chest these days: the Brits and the Russians are lacking in the booty department.
In fancy-pantaloons England, parents no longer give their younger crewmates their fair share of the loot! Average pocket money for the little hearties fell from 6.24 pounds a week in 2009 to 5.89. 5.89!? How much grog can you get for a lousy 5.89? Certainly not enough for fresh, pink lights and livers.
And in Russia, where pirates drink vodka with their limes, the local constabulary’s shanghaied a debting lass’s Shar Peis! What’s next? Marooning malamutes? Lashing labradors? Keelhauling koolies? Wenching Welsh corgis?
Look, before we overreact here, let’s get this out of the way: kids probably shouldn’t drink or do drugs. It makes them uncoordinated and dangerous while manning lawn equipment and heavy machinery.
However, is it child abuse?
Some killjoys–like Dr. Shan Yin, of the University of Colorado and the Rocky Mountain Poison and Drug Center at Denver Health–seem to think that giving your children booze, adult medications and real drugs is abuse.
But, what about kids who want to drink or abuse narcotics? It’s not like they can buy this stuff on their own. You have to be 18 just to buy compressed air and Sudafed these days.
Before you hand your kid (or anyone else’s for that matter) a shot or Xanax, ask them if they really want to feel more mature than their peers and relaxed like mommy.
If you think the rivalry between Camp Icheewicheetumtum and Camp Howzyafather for control over the Peepeehat Totem is intense, then think again.
The Gaza Strip is home to the biggest summer camp grudge since Meatballs: the scrappy, can-do U.N. campers vs. the militarized Hamas jocks. In fact, some masked men–believed to be Hamas counselors–raided the U.N. camp, “tying up guards and slashing tents and an inflatable pool.”
To date, the Hamas summer camp has refused to comply with U.N. requests, like permitting inspectors to take stock of their toilet paper supplies or appraise the content of their bug juice.
While Hamas police officers regret the bullying of their summer camp, hardliners opposed to the U.N. camp that teaches young men “folklore dancing” and other “weenie activities.”
Said one Hamas legislator: “NEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRDS!”
Parents, science is telling you some very important news right: stop allowing your children to have best friends.
At least, that’s what counseling science is saying. According to them, community friendships are the way to go-that way, there’s less chance of feeling let down and having scheduling conflicts.
Of course, that does jack all for children that might be considered outcasts or isolated, but they’re probably the ones that would do a violent school rampage, right? Right.
Also bad for kids: birthday cake, violent toys, daydreaming and not being as smart as adults. Oh, and drenching me with a super soaker after I’ve politely and calmly asked you not to. But I digress.
Hey kids! Are you having trouble sleeping at night? Of course you’re not, you’re a kid, you don’t want to go to bed because you’re not tired.
Hey parents! Are you sick of having to get your children to sleep at night? Do you feel bad about how many times you drug them so they’ll pass out? Just have them watch one of Venezuela President Hugo Chavez’s speeches.
Chavez said several children have told him that they recognize him from the television–when they go to sleep. The children were promptly executed.
A group of adolescents interred at an internet addiction boot camp rose up against their oppressors last week, restraining their supervisor and fleeing the facility to taste sweet, sweet freedom. At least until their parents sent them back. Bummer.
China admits it has an internet addiction problem, which is the first step towards recovery. The popular second step right now is sending teens and adults addicted to the internet and online gaming to boot camps, where instructors use military techniques to try and instill a sense of discipline in folks who’d rather just play World of Warcraft.
A group of 14 addicts aged 15 to 22 interred at the Huai’an Internet Addiction Treatment Centre in China’s Jiangsu province decided they’d had enough last week, tying their supervisor to his bed and fleeing the grounds. Their freedom was short-lived, however. All 14 were caught by police after failing to pay the fare for a taxi they used in their daring escape. Thirteen of those have already been returned to the center by their parents. Someone sound The Price Is Right’s fail horn for me, would you please?