Tag: children

Online cig retailers can’t quit cold turkey

The FDA sent out a warning letter to 14 online companies that are breaking new cigarette laws, which indicates that the FDA may be a UN organization. The companies received the written hand-wringing for continuing to sell flavored cigarettes.

Flavored cigarettes violate the Tobacco Control Act, which was signed into law by President Obama in June. Candy, fruit and herb-flavored cigarettes were outlawed because the FDA believes they entice children and teens who want to look older, but can no longer associate original flavors with cartoon characters.

So, if you want to sell cigarettes, flavors are not OK, unless those flavors are:

  • Menthol
  • Burnt baby diapers

Anything else would be unnatural.

Take it from Snee for Christmas, Hanukah, etc.

Halloween is less than a week into the ground, which means that it’s already Christmas in the malls and strip clubs of America. (Sure, they say “holidays,” but the only store with blue lights is K-Mart.) Why do they start so early? Because some people actually buy gifts that early. Crazy, I know?

The rest of us wait until the last minute because, well, giving isn’t about me. The only thing I give on a regular occasion is this column. But, as I mentioned before, I’m trying to be a better person … at least until I get my presents. So, in this vein, I’m trying to say that it is always better to give than receive, even if the other person doesn’t really want it.

What I’m talking about are gifts that make you feel good for giving them, but the receiver never wanted.  Call ‘em gag gifts or messages, who cares? You gave, and now you feel better. Continue reading Take it from Snee for Christmas, Hanukah, etc.

Can’t escape the long arm of the law

You know what’s a great animal to have at a petting zoo? An alligator. It’s an even better idea to have the gator around children.

A Florida wildlife officer brought in a gator to show off at his daughter’s school for show and tell. Then the gator got away. Whoops. Luckily, officials now think they have caught the bastard, who was probably waiting in a nearby pond to eat an unsuspecting student.

By the way, who knew gators could jump?

Nothing yummy shall come from this

In the Bible, it’s written that the meek shall inherit the Earth. But they’ll have to inherit it without delicious homemade cupcakes and fried apple pies. At least, if they happen to be the meek of New York City.

New York City’s Education Department has made rulings that no bake sales can take place at schools. This all falls under a new series of changes regarding vending machines and student run stores, and since no takes the time to create their own specialized nutritional value charts for each individual muffin, all the better to just ban it, right? Remember, it’s all to help out the children!

Don’t worry, though. It’s now being advised that kids can raise money for school events or team needs by instead selling items like t-shirts and key chains. After all, those are totally top sellers in high schools! Everyone loves those little wacky eyed key chains, right?

Oso close to school

In other bear related news, a bear found near a Florida school caused a lockdown this week. It’s bad enough you have to worry about the enemy coming for you, now they’re after your kids.

The bear did not make any demands during an afternoon standoff with police, but it seemed that the bear had been surveilling the school for quite some time from a dumpster nearby. Unfortunately, the bear was not harmed and managed to get away unscathed, free to stalk other school children.

Take it from Snee: Spank Kata!

They knew we loved it.For at least 10,000 years, people have been punished for sex with children.

Hang on.

People have been punished for having sex with children.

No.

Children are a punishment for sex. There we go. (Unless you have sex with prepubescent children.) And hello to all of our new readers from the FBI!

Children whine, scream and cry; they bite, hit and kick; they interrupt your favorite TV shows, force you to leave movie theaters and open your toys, ruining their in-box value. And despite all of that, you can’t hit them.

So, what is a parent to do when a child is unruly? Have you considered Spank Kata? Continue reading Take it from Snee: Spank Kata!

Swine Flu? More like Swinging Flu, am I right?

We’re not here to make a big deal of something that shouldn’t be a big deal. Yes, the swine flu has hit Japan, despite all their efforts to block it. The areas of Kobe and Osaka have been hit hardest, according to reports. The Little Island That Could now has over 260 reported cases. It’s a high count, but cases have been mild for Japan, and no one has died from it.

Yet.

In theory, the students could be as cautious as the media and disease control agencies want them to be, but instead, they would rather go out for karaoke. More than 4,400 schools, colleges and kindergartens have closed for the rest of the week to help slow spreading, but these students are enjoying the time off anyway. In Osaka, students have formed long lines in front of karaoke clubs. Being obviously so in tune with the kids these days, we guess that they’re rallying to sing away the disease, probably based off some hippy disease a la “Hands For Peace.”

Of course, some club owners don’t want business from kids from diseased or closed schools. One karaoke joint owner put up a sign saying that students from closed schools were not welcome inside. Someone will take their business, though. And they’ll all sing their flu-y voices into the same microphone.

Worst. Trade. EVER.

An idiot kid caused his middle school to be locked down this past week after bringing in a handgun. Not for stereotypical violent reasons, mind you. The boy had merely brought the firearm in to swap it for a PlayStation Portable. Clearly, the child isn’t exactly someone who’s readily aware of monetary value of items.

The boy nabbed the gun from his father’s collection, and brought it to Mason Middle School in Tacoma to trade with another kid. When I was his age, it was all about swapping POGs and the occasional basketball card. Okay, not so much POGS. No one liked those. I now have the delightful image of kids rifling through an armory like it was a deck of Pokémon Cards going, “Got, got, need, got, got, got need, need, got. I’ll swap yer .45 for my Winchester.”

The gun wasn’t loaded, but he did bring some ammo with him. The boy’s father also stated that a second gun had gone missing, and the school was locked down following rumors that it was floating around the campus somewhere. The boy himself is in juvenile detention.

Trying to trade a gun for a PSP? What a horrible deal.

Not asking permission and getting sued: still in fashion

The UK’s Change4Life campaign — which links playing video games with obesity, diabetes, heart disease, and cancer — could draw fire from Sony for using a PlayStation-like controller in their print ad. Legal fire, that is, which — as we all know — is the third hottest fire that’s possible (behind orphanage arson fire and burning Benjamins in front of a hobo fire).

CHUNG-CHUNG.

The magazine ad in question features a young boy obviously not enjoying himself while holding a dual analog wireless controller, similar to that used with the PlayStation 3 and its predecessor. The print warns that even healthy-looking inactive children risk cancer, diabetes, and heart disease once they reach adulthood. Sony Computer Entertainment Europe is currently considering legal action against the ad creators.

CHUNG-CHUNG.

Now, having an active lifestyle? Top notch. Alluding that playing video games is a direct cause of not having an active lifestyle? Not as top notch. Using an ad that essentially equates their product with killing kids? Get ’em, Sony.