Tag: children

Town of Average, population: your kid

Speaking of gifted kids, did you know that there’s a good chance yours isn’t?

Well, not yours. Your kid is–of course–actually gifted. He or she just happens to be that 2 to 5 percent of actual gifted children destined to save the world from the Buggers. Don’t worry if you catch them picking their nose or flicking their little Yankee Doodle: that just means they’re eccentric.

Yep, your child’s obvious greatness is a testament to your fantastic parenting, unlike those parents with difficult children with Down’s Syndrome or cerebral palsy. Those parents have it so easy! Some of them don’t even have to chase their kids!

So congratulations to you (yes you), awesome parent of the century. Your child will make millions, and you’ll get into one of the nice homes, where you will be voted Second-Chance Prom Queen or King over and over again by the rest of us.

Anastasia is dead …

… as of 90 years ago.

Scientists in Russia, Austria and the U.S. have finished examing the remains of the Tsar Nicholas II’s two missing children. Using DNA, medical records and forensics, they have been positively identified as dead, not living and definitely not your grandmother.

Turns out the old broad was just crazy/hated your great-grandparents. The real little princess was executed, just like those commies claimed, in 1918.

So, now that you’re not the heir to the Russian throne anymore, get back to work!

Sandboxes = very late term abortions

Hey there, parents!

Do you have a lot of money? Do you hate your kids? Could you stomach living in Florida?

Then have we and the Army got a deal for you! For a half-million dollars, you can live within spitting distance of Disney World on a former Army jeep range. Every yard is a dynamite lottery, thanks to undocumented, unexploded ordinance!

Just send your kids outside with a treasure map, and then relive the glory days at nearby Pleasure Island!

And if you’d like to get back down to your “playing weight,” then go for a jog and blow those extra pounds away. Just think of Bouncing Betty as your government-provided hot-blooded trainer.

Schadenfreude: International blend

Good morning! And what a morning it is: the dawning of yet another wonderful day!

Just think of the day you have ahead of you: showering, sitting in traffic, going to work, eating a lousy lunch with people you hate, sitting in more traffic, cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen — all while trying not to beat your children! Goodness, but these are blessed times, aren’t they?

No, they aren’t. When your only relaxation is going to a gym to work out, you really hate the people that make it look so easy. People like, oh, Martha Stewart …

Well, guess who’s persona non gratis in the United Kingdom? Yep, Martha’s life was easy when she was given insider trading tips, but now she’s not allowed to visit investors and business partners in Merry Olde England.

And that, we think, is a good thing.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

Take it from Snee: Lightning Round

Alright, everyone here? OK, good.

Look, I don’t have a lot of time today, so I’m not gonna type up a bunch of crap about why I’m right. I’m just gonna cut to the chase and tell you why you’re wrong.

What follows are pieces of conventional “wisdom” (I’m using the term very lightly) and what’s wrong with these turd nuggets. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning Round

Take it from Snee: Pets are not surrogate children

I’ve seen a lot of strange behaviors in my short time on Earth. There was the fistfight in New Orleans between a young man and woman where they took turns punching each other in the face (a la The Flintstones boxing match), and then hugged. Or the night that a strip club in Huntsville, Alabama erupted into a giant brawl not once, but twice. I watched a crowd stampede to see Eminem up close. I even drank in proximity to Billy Dee Williams. I’ve witnessed all manner of public sexual act.

To some degree, I can understand all of that or at least decently rationalize it. Well, except the Billy Dee Williams part–how does a guy that cool just blend in?

But the one behavior that I can never rationalize is the fetishization of pets. Pet owners turn them into the children they never had or, even more disturbingly, they always wanted.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: Pets are not surrogate children

Arkansas toddlers no longer enjoy freedom to marry

In another example of creeping fascism, the state of Arkansas has ended a marriage debate that is as old as, well, as old as last fall. The state has come down hard in its staunch Bible Belting point of view on marriage: children are no longer allowed to marry.

The debate arose last October, when it was discovered there was a loophole in a marriage law the legislature had recently passed that allowed anyone, regardless of their age, to marry. The state was marred with complaints, and numerous annulments had to be granted, because play-weddings ended up being officiated by justices of the peace.

This blog pleads with Arkansas to reverse its decision. We all know that kids are lazy. Perhaps getting married will force them to be more responsible and get a job, instead of mooching off of the older generation.

(Courtesy of Courtney P.)

Some people shouldn’t be allowed to drink

Important parenting tip from The Guys: So your 4 year-old won’t stop whining and asking you questions while drooling on his or herself. Might as well get the kid drunk–not like they can slur their words anymore, right?

Wrong.

Don’t send your toddler to school smashed, no matter how much they beg for it. They may complain about how they can’t cope with the social scene, or say that it helps them sleep at nap time, or how their teacher is always busting their balls, demanding more reading time and less time playing with toys. But that doesn’t mean alcohol is the answer.

Wait until they are 6 before you give them their first nip. Because learning to walk is hard enough when you’re sober.

(Courtesy of Courtney P.)

Most adorable traffic accident EVAR

I realize that it’s four days already, but, best headline ever or best headline ever?

To help seal the deal:

“The corridor was really busy, and people just kept walking, and they started to pile up. We were helping the people who had been injured, and at one point it was like the scene in The Wizard of Oz when the witch is trapped underneath the house.”

How To: Babysit young children

Our more dedicated readers are probably thinking, “but Guys, didn’t you cover this topic when you told us How To: Raise your kids?”

Well, dear reader, the answer is no. (By the way, nice job on hyperlinking in your thoughts!) Raising kids and babysitting them is totally different. Why? Because you get paid for it, and you really aren’t liable if anything happens to them in the first place. Odds are you will have to take care of your sibling’s kids, your neighbor’s kids, or even (gasp) your boss’ kids at least once in your adult life. Long gone are the days of high school side job. That was a great racket, wasn’t it? The rules have changed, so SeriouslyGuys presents how to babysit young children.

Continue reading How To: Babysit young children