You Missed It: Space monkey edition

I’ll say this first: I really like watching football, especially the NFL. However, I think we get a bit too hyped for the Super Bowl. Yes, it’s a championship game, but the frenzy leading up to it is a bit much. For a solid week, ESPN tries to find fresh angles, and the teams have to talk to the media for days about the same upcoming game. On top of that, all the big commercials leak, and it’s the only time anyone cares. If you were busy dodging questions about your banned drug use this week, odds are you missed it.

The wrong stuff?
This week, Iran shocked the world with its announcement that it launched a monkey into space and returned it to Earth alive and well. The reports from state-run media were never confirmed, and now critics are saying the launch was likely unsuccessful or altogether faked. They point to the video of the monkey before and after the launch, and how they don’t look like the same creature. If this is true, we have to commend Iran on its initiative to kill monkeys.

More than you asked for
Lena Dunham, the writer, star and sometimes director of HBO’s so-so show Girls has signed a deal with HBO to write the pilot for a TV adaptation of a personal shopper for rich New Yorkers. It’s unlikely that Dunham herself will be in the show, but she’ll no doubt find an excuse to get naked anyway. Yeesh.

Purplest teeth in the world
The U.S. is now the largest wine-consumer in the world, according to an industry analyst. According to Jon Fredrikson, the U.S. now makes up 13% of the global wine market, up 2% from a year earlier. Argentina, Chile and Australia were the chief suppliers to the American thirsty. Well done, ladies!

Reason #56,349 why donuts are the best things in the world

At my local Sam’s Club, they offer a fairly large twisted churro for just over a buck. I’ve had it before. It’s sugary, it’s cinnamon-y and overall, it’s not too bad. Best of all, it doesn’t explode.

What’s that? You’ve never had exploding churros before? Well, truthfully, neither have I, but that’s probably because I’m not a reader of La Tercera, a Chilean newspaper that printed the recipe seven years ago. Mind you, the churros in the recipe weren’t supposed to explode hot oil upon their creators, but for 13 readers, they kinda did.

Which leads us to now: The Supreme Court for Chile has ordered La Tercera to pay 163 thousand dollars to the aforementioned 13 readers. This just reiterates why donuts are so good: They won’t cost you a ton of money and they won’t explode over you. Their damage is internal, not external.

Does it feel a little Chile in here to you?

Everyone in the northern hemisphere is complaining about how cold it’s supposed to be up here because it’s winter. But, did you know that summer is just heating up below the equator? It’s true! (Also: their toilets flush backwards, and their mermaids have fish heads and lady legs.)

In an effort to stave off energy costs, the Chilean government has suggested that men not wear ties this summer. Aside from the friction caused from tying, re-tying and tying one until you get it right, they believe that this will cut power costs from air conditioning.

But, that’s not to say there isn’t some backlash. At least one Santiago resident is aghast that the president, government ministers, engineers,  doctors and journalists would go about their business without a tie.

“There are things that really go along with being formal and well-structured,” said Gonzalo Castro, adding, “What will they use to wipe our famous sea bass off with during business lunches?”

But wait, there’s more!

Science fiction fans everywhere yelled a collective “SQUEE!!!!” when it was recently announced that there’s more than just what we previously thought about space. I, for one, would like to welcome our rocket cycle-racing masters from Rigel.

Thanks to a modified Chilean telescope, 32 exoplanets have been discovered outside of our solar system. These planets have yet to be named, but we at SG suspect that they’ll probably be named along the lines of Gangster Planet, Dinosaur Planet, Nazi Planet, Ancient Rome Planet and Old West Planet.

Now, for all the misanthropes who would like to be the first on the next series of colony missions, keep in mind that we can’t successfully build a working bio dome on a planet with a stable atmosphere and have yet to colonize our closest planetary neighbor.

Of course, the definitive question is not how many of them that we have discovered, but how many of them have already discovered us (and the insides of our rectums via their ka-razy alien probes)?

Important consumer tip

Watch out, consumers! No matter how tempting it is, no matter what promises they may make, no matter how wonderful it sounds, DO NOT buy the magic cheese.

A French man is being accused of selling kits to make “magic cheese.” French officials have been dispatched to Chile to investigate the customers claims and to determine if it is indeed a pyramid scheme. Authorities claim Gilberte Van Erpe sold magic cheese to customers in Chile as an ingredient for French beauty products.

Also, if you eat it, it gives you the ability to fly, walk through the Great Wall of China, and make the Statue of Liberty disappear.

Coc–err, rock the vote

Attention politicians: Are you trying to figure out a way to get re-elected? Or are you looking for some way, any way, to boost your approval ratings before you leave office? You probably want to take the advice of the mayor of a Chilean town.

You may want to consider giving out free Viagra to the voters–this blog would suggest limiting it to the male population. Yes, Gonzalo Navarette, mayor of Lo Prado, is giving the penis pills to citizens of his town, provided a doctor can confirm that each man suffers from erectile dysfunction. Why is he doing this? Because an active sex life helps keep one healthy.

Insert a “poll” joke here.