Celebrity Rehab: Animal Edition

We know that animals want to kill us and rule the world, but did you know that they are also poor role models? It’s true. Just look to Russia.

Traditionally a country on our side of the war, Russians sent a chimpanzee to rehab, yes rehab, for drinking and smoking. In other words, the chimp was basically acting like the average Russian. Rather than kill the beast and be done with it, the Russkies decided to rehabilitate the addict. It’s getting ugly, folks.

Key quote: “The beer and cigarettes were ruining him. He would pester passers-by for booze,” the Komsomolskaya Pravda paper said.

Ooook oook ooook kill kill kill

Japan would like you to know that humanity is doomed and they’ve had a hand in said dooming.


A man in Japan has been teaching Pan-kun, a particularly intelligent chimpanzee, to use water weapons on human beings. The chimp learns quite quickly once the desired technique is demonstrated, ably aping the trainer’s actions, using a hydraulic pump gun as well as a more Super Soaker-like weapon on the unsuspecting cameraman, then targeting a group of effigies, including one of show presenter Ken Shimura.

Pan-kun is actually a celebrity of sorts. Among other things he has learned to play baseball as well as make, then eat noodles. What all this adds up to is some great news for those who fear takeover by intelligent robots. Instead, we will be conquered by the intelligent animals and human subspecies, invented by the over-consumption of genetically modified food.

Our only hope? Blowing up the Statue of Liberty.

(Not really, FBI and CIA)

Great, now they’re using weapons

If you read this blog at all, you know the one simple truth: animals are everywhere and they are out to get us. But you’re smart, you come here for the latest updates. We help you face the danger others choose to ignore so they can sleep at night. We’re like your own person Jack Bauer.

If you ever find yourself in Sweden, don’t go to the Furuvik Zoo–unless you’re armed. That’s where the Swedes are keeping Santino the chimpanzee. Like any other chimp, Santino is dangerous as hell and has no regard for human life. But he takes it a step eviler.

Santino plots when he’s had enough of tourists. So he piles up some rocks and waits for just the right time. When the time comes, he launches the rocks at unsuspecting tourists, sometimes hitting them. Why does he do this? You can only fling poop so far.

You Missed It: Damn dirty ape edition

This is the really sucky time of year. You’re broke from Valentine’s Day, it’s cold, and the only sports you can watch are those of college (sorry, NHL, you don’t count). We all just need to stick it out a few more weeks until the glory that is St. Patrick’s Day is upon us. So while we’re waiting for that time warp we ordered, here’s something to pass the time.

If you were busy putting out a new license agreement saying you own whatever users upload to your site, then retracting your statement, odds are you missed it.

Oh George, you certainly are a curious little monkey
Like most Americans, Sandra Herold of Stamford, Connecticut had a pet chimpanzee. It was so cute when she got it as a baby. She fed it well, trained it, slept next to it in a bed and even gave it kisses when she left the house. But one day, the chimp turned into a 200-lb. monster. It came out of nowhere. How could anyone see a large, powerful monkey with an owner whose mental stability is questionable be seen as a threat? On Monday, the chimp attacked a woman, nearly killing her. Police had to shoot the monkey. Remember: this could happen to you are your chimp, too.

Sharpton not an ally in the War on Animals
On Wednesday, the New York Post ran a political cartoon making reference to the chimp incident. It showed a dead chimp and two cops with guns, one saying inferring that a monkey had been the one working on the economic stimulus bill. The black community, lead in part by Rev. Al Sharpton, saw this as a racially insensitive cartoon. Because, you know, sensitivity is what we have all come to expect from a splashy tabloid like the Post.

Worst case: One could end up elected governor
A report from the military warned of giving machines too much killing power and autonomy this week. The U.S. Office of Naval Research report says that if we giving killing machines too much automated power, we could risk a machine mutiny and subsequent war against the human race. The report stressed extensive testing before unleashing any new robot weapons into the field, adding, “Dude, that new Terminator movie coming out this summer looks sa-weet!!!”

So I said, ‘You can keep the gun, but lose the monkey!’

Nationally-syndicated columnist Roland S. Martin is upset A good portion of America can’t say enough about an editorial cartoon in The New York Post. Many believe that it refers to President Barack Obama as a chimp.

The cartoonist, Sean Delonas, and the Post disagree with accusations of racism. They believe it’s a tongue-in-cheek reference to yesterday’s news story about police shooting a chimpanzee (hilarious, by the way, because they die just like people) … and the economic stimulus package.

Yeah, here is The Guys’ take on this situation and any others in the future:

Two out of three Elaine Beneses agree.