Tag: chimpanzees

Science: Women holding up the evolution train

Are you glad you don’t have a tail to sit on right now? Thank your male ancestors. That’s right, the dudes–the original ones.

Science has found, startlingly, that the Y chromosome that makes guys guys may in fact evolve faster than the X chromosome, which is what makes guys cry for sports-related tragedies. The Y chromosome is actually continually renewing itself. This means that guys are evolving faster.

In fact, you know how humans and chimpanzees have less than one percent difference in DNA? (We don’t like it any more than you do.) Well our Y chromosomes are 30 percent different from theirs. So guys are more different from chimps than women.

Men: Proudly working to grow wings for mankind since about six million years ago.

And ‘Black or White’ was about zebras

Jane Goodall, who we all know as a famous monkey-lover, is now claiming that Michael Jackson’s song “Heal the World” was about chimpanzees, specifically, how we were successfully killing them and burning down their natural habitat.

Again trying to cash in on Jackson’s dead coattails, Goodall said she spoke with Jackson personally about the song, and that she later met Bubbles, who also happened to be Jackson’s chimpanzee and suspected lover. She has even visited Bubbles at his retirement home in Florida, where he currently sits on death row.

Jackson death mystery solved

The media and the blogoshere are ablaze with the latest news on the death of Michael Jackson and the aftermath. Speculation abounds about what exactly killed the King of Pop while we wait for the toxicology report. Well the wait is over.

Bubbles the chimp did it.

Remember Bubbles? He toured with Jacko for a little while in the late 80s, when touring with a wild animal was popular. (Bruce Springsteen toured with kangaroo.) For a time, Bubbles was famous, but he was famous for being Jackson’s second banana. And even if you like bananas, that fact can eat at you.

So over the decades since Bubbles sat quietly in his “wildlife reserve” retirement home in Florida, plotting to kill the monarch who ruined his life. He took time establishing connections in the underground, observing Jackson’s habits and trying to forget how to moonwalk. When the time came, he ordered the regicide. All from behind bars.

With enough patience, every major news story is part of the War on Animals.

Our boys in the rockets are really losing it

What is it with former astronauts these days? Two weeks ago they were denying global warming and saying that the government is keeping UFOs a secret from us, now, they’re “paying respects” to chimps. CHIMPS.

These guys were beaten into space by some chimps, arguably in one of the most creative attempts to kill animals in U.S. history, and now here they are, worshiping these beasts for their accomplishments. Have they no sense of pride? Do they not realize this is the equivalent of making out with Yuri Gagarin?

If there’s one consolation, it’s that these chimps were traumatized by their trip into space (not to mention the hundreds of electric shocks they endured while they were being trained), they have a Mercury capsule sitting within plain view of the pen, just to mess with them.