China still can’t shake funeral strippers

Back in 2015 we told you about China’s crackdown on strippers performing at funerals, which probably led to a lot of you updating your wills. And now three years later, it seems the Chinese government can’t keep a good idea down.

China’s Ministry of Culture has announced that it is cracking down once again on funeral strippers, which remains a popular thing in rural areas because they are thought to boost attendance. But the problem may be more widespread than it was last time. Authorities said that they will also crack down on strippers at weddings and Chinese New Year celebrations.

So if you got engaged around Valentine’s Day, float the wedding stripper idea to your fiancee while she’s still distracted by her shiny new ring.

Chinese knock-off air pollution as deadly as the real thing

Products that boasted “Made in America” have become less reliable over the years. Despite that, China’s “Made in China” industry somehow has a much less reliable name. Lead paint, animal bones and illegal substances? “Made in China.” Not only that, you can get a knock-off of whatever you want in China! Want an iPhone 5? Get a Goophone (Made in China). iPad knock-off? They got that. A Superman figure? They got that, though it might be painted in green with red.

Want to knock-off the air pollution from Mexico City, the area that has regularly been known for being the most heavily polluted place on the planet? Yeah, China makes that, too.

Escaping danger has never been more fun

When we watch action movies, we’re always given the impression that the escape from the danger is harrowing, thrilling, an adrenaline-rush, more stress-inducing than our body might be able to take.

China, the country stereotypically for being full of mirth, thinks that getting out of buildings that have caught on fire should be a lot more enjoyable.

All is going to plan

The snake. It’s not normally an alpha predator, but in the right ecosystem, it has an untouched reign as king. The ones that have venom are even more powerful in their world, as not many creatures can readily top a poisonous animal.

Unless this is a children’s movie involving sports. You see, the power of teamwork is apparently more powerful than fangs dripping with a toxin, as a group of mice decided to show an unnamed venomous snake. This rebellion of the spirit took place in a Chinese zoo, as the mice were being fed to the serpent, but after seeing one of their kin being eaten, the rodents teamed up on the snake, managing to damage it while also earning their freedom from we humans.

While it’s regrettable that they were released, it is pleasing to see these two species feuding with each other. Perhaps we’ll be able to exploit it when the full-scale war breaks out.

The in-game assassin occupation is born

While video game addiction was once a uniquely American thing, times have changed, and kids in China are coming down with the illness, too. But they have their own way of handling things over there.

Xiao Feng, 23, believed himself to be the best online video game player around. For years he was playing games and neglecting school. His father was upset that he wasn’t even looking for a job. So, an in-game assassin-type guy was hired to go after his son to make him get bored with the games.

But where was his tiger mom?

Despite all his rage, the shark is no longer in a cage

The Guys don’t think it’s too much of a grasp to call an aquarium in a shopping mall ludicrous, or at the very least, gratuitous. Sure, we all like to see the prisoners of war in the conflict that we humans are involved in, but it just seems a bit … extravagant to have a glass cage filled with sea animals while you shop for the latest fashions.

But Shanghai is a different country containing their own excesses. Unfortunately, excesses sometimes have a limit. An aquarium located in a Shanghai mall burst, the six inch thick glass containing turtles, fish and lemon sharks breaking and sending its contents out onto the floor, but first into innocent bystanders (link contains an auto-playing video). Some citizens were injured, but no one died.

12-27-12: Never Forget.

Flipping the bird

The War on Animals is a truly a world war, as China is quickly finding out.

At a zoo in the country that’s not huge on human or animal rights (we do not support the War on Humans), the animal resistance lives on. A myna bird has been locked away at the Jiufeng Forest Zoo because instead of greeting visitors, as it has been trained to do, it has started shouting expletives at people. Yep, as Chinese families are walking into the zoo for a day full of wonderful memories, one bird has been chirping, “F&$% you!”

More bad news: Apparently birds can speak Chinese, which has to be way harder than English.

Kim Jong Un makes Snee’s Enemies List

Snee’s Enemy Number Un, riding a meal for twenty. (He’s not even that handsome, you guys.)

Two weeks ago, Rick Snee revealed his enemies list that he has been building since 1985 when People magazine started selecting a Sexiest Man Alive every year and has somehow consistently passed him over. He has not, however, put the editors of People on that list in hopes that they will one day stop being distracted by flashes in the pan like George Clooney and Johnny Depp.

And now, for the first time ever, there is a second entry within the year on his enemies list. The Onion named North Korean despot, Kim Jong Un, their Sexiest Man Alive, but they don’t count because they keep interviewing the same three people for their man-on-the-street interviews — like we wouldn’t notice! But, when the announcement made it into one of China’s official newspapers, People’s Daily Online (which sounds awfully close to People), that was close enough for impotent, wrathful listmaking.

Congratulations, Kim Jong Un! Your certificate of Rick Snee’s scorn is on its way, even if it is based on a technicality.

Let’s leave the term microtransaction out of this

Apple has told you before in the past that there is no such thing as porn on their glorious and devoutly holy iPhone, especially in their App Store.

Rick Snee has told you otherwise.

What neither side has told you is that there a special function in the iPhone that you haven’t been told about. It’s not the Find iPhone, it’s not the Find Friends, it’s Find Prostitute! No, really, and China doesn’t exactly seem to be too keen on it. Feeling lonely at night? Need a special service that you could tip a little extra at a massage parlor? Siri might be able to help you out.