Toilet paper and other ways foreign governments enslave their citizens

We’re so worried about how our government is continually stripping us of our basic rights that we forget that other countries’ governments are doing the same thing to their citizens. What say we take a look abroad?

In China, you’re going to have to learn to wipe really efficiently if you use a public restroom. People in Beijing have been stealing toilet paper from public restrooms, and Chinese officials have cracked down in a high-tech way: machines that give you two feet of toilet paper after scanning your face. If that’s not enough TP for you, you’re s$#% out of luck, because the machine won’t let you get more for another nine minutes.

And in fascist-controlled Canada, the province of Nova Scotia won’t let Lorne Grabher put his last name on his license plate. “GRABHER” has been the family’s license plate for a quarter of a century, but the province canceled it in January, deeming it profane.

We’re fairly certain that here in America, our president would proudly support such a plate.

Panda watch: Looks like pandas eat goats now

The internet would have us believe that pandas are cute, right up there with cats. But then again, the internet also tells us that we can collect our lottery prize money in Africa if we click here. A Chinese farmer has found proof that pandas live up to their classification as bears.

In southwestern China, farmers took video of a wild panda bear chowing down on a goat, which is surprising, because most goats aren’t made out of bamboo. The farmers say the grayscale beast climbed down from a tree and leaped upon the unsuspecting goat. The video they posted shows the panda munching on the body.

You know what else eats goats? T. rex.

Real despots have curves

"We're doing the Lucy-thing where I try to keep up with the conveyor belt and eat all the carbs, right?"
“We’re doing the Lucy-thing where I try to keep up with the conveyor belt and eat all the carbs, right?”

Say what you will about the current state of U.S. politics (while you still can, anyway), but at least we aren’t North Korea or China.  Chinese web sites blocked searches for “Kim Fatty the Third,” a running joke about current North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s expanding waistline as well as those of his father and grandfather in a mostly starving nation.

The Chinese government denies having any role in the decision to censor web search results. But, their Foreign Ministry seems to support it, saying, that

‘The Chinese government stays committed to building a healthy and civilized environment of opinions. We disapprove of referring to the leader of any country with insulting and mocking remarks.’

So, while China firmly disagrees with North Korea’s nuclear weapons development and missile testing (which has also fueled the “Kim Fat Fat Fat” movement — the still-allowed nickname), it’s adopted a hard stance against fat-shaming. Especially since Kim is probably the biggest purchaser of Chinese delivery in the world.

Chinese at war with the Colonel

Patriotism looks weird, whether directed at a KFC or a Dixie Chicks concert.
Patriotism looks weird, whether directed at a KFC or a Dixie Chicks concert.

It was only a matter of time before there would be casualties from China’s supervillain-esque plot to conquer the South China Sea by filling it in with dirt and cheap pharmacy toys. Of course, we don’t mean the fish and reef wildlife displaced, crushed and bleached to death — we’re at war with animals first and, last we checked, the Chinese are humans.

No, we’re aghast that — in response to a U.N. tribunal calling China’s artificial island program environmentally disastrous and, worse, not an legal means to claim more maritime territory — the Chinese people are lashing out at the two most American people they can: Apple and KFC. (Corporations are people, after all.)

Chinese demonstrators are smashing their iPhones (which their slave labor built) and boycotting KFC. In the Chinese patriots’ defense, though, the Colonel’s creepy, smiling portrait is the closest thing the U.S. has to a military presence in their country.

And, really, they’re not wrong. If fried chicken doesn’t represent the U.S., then what does? It’s just a little weird to us Americans because we don’t rage at any fast food restaurant until they issue an opinion on homosexuality.

Ancient Chinese frat party unearthed

China gets credit for doing a lot of important things first, such as noodles and gunpowder. Now it seems the Chinese can add beer to that list, too.

Researchers have uncovered what they believe are instruments used to brew beer some 5,000 years ago. They found pottery resembling stuff used to brew in ancient times, only this is older. Archaeologists also found a funnel, so it stands to reason that the Chinese invented the beer bong, too.

Residue of ancient beer was found on all of the equipment, which considering how old beer smells, must have been downright skunky.

Animals hate Valentine’s Day, too

The Guys hope that all of you enjoyed your Valentine’s Day — or, if you’re one of those bitter people who hates the holiday, we hope you posted that sweet dig you’ve been saving up for months. Animals like love, too. But many were jilted over the weekend.

In China, a female elephant named Zhusunya decided to ruin people’s day by trashing a bunch of parked cars. Why? Because she’s not getting any. According to Chinese media, Zhusunya is in heat and acting a little crazy right now. She left an area where elephants usually hang out and headed down a crowded tourist street, taking out her frustration on about 15 cars.

Meanwhile, the Seattle Aquarium wouldn’t let Kong the male octopus mate with any females because handlers were afraid he would eat his potential baby mamas.

You’re not the only one sexually frustrated, it seems.

Thank you, Michael Bay

We don't know what's weirder: that Best Korea makes their pop bands wear uniforms or that their "pop" look is clearly "Korean Hillary Clinton."
We don’t know what’s weirder: that Best Korea makes their pop bands wear uniforms or that their “pop” look is clearly “Korean Hillary Clinton.”

We all had a good laugh at how Michael Bay transparently pandered to China for half of his latest Transformers movie. Making poor, celebrated thespian Stanley Tucci chug some milk drink on a Beijing rooftop for at least 10 seconds? There’s no way that was aimed at American audiences.

But, all that pandering has paid off. China was all set to host the Moranbong Band — a BK-pop (Best Korea pop) girl band formed by Kim Jong Un himself. Unfortunately, they canceled their performance after Chinese censors objected to anti-American lyrics in their songs.

That’s right: even though China allied with North Korea during the Korean War and the show was supposed to be for Chinese Korean War vets, the Chinese government pandered to us and asked the girls to maybe not call us “ambitious wolves” (speaking of band names …) or glorify the war.

So, thank you, Michael Bay. We’re glad somebody understood and/or liked Transformers: Age of Extinction.

What’s a nice girl like you doing in a monastery like this?

The Dalai Lama is already practicing coquetry for his newer, hotter life.
The Dalai Lama is already practicing coquetry for his newer, hotter life.

We’re not sure what’s going on with the Dalai Lama’s health, but it sure seems like a lot of people are making moves for his death right now. China’s trying to make sure the next Lama is reborn as a Chinese bureaucrat — which should be easy since every fourth child in the world is born Chinese. And the Lama himself is wondering whether he’ll be the last oneperfection achieved, Dalai out!

But, what if he’s not the last one? And what if the next Lama is a lady Lama (the Dali Alpaca)? Much like younger, Tumblr-using fans of James Bond movies and Doctor Who, the Lama is not against the idea of coming back as a woman. But, only on the condition that he’s really hot, OK?

The Dalai Lama had previously caused a stir when he said he could be reincarnated as a ‘mischievous blonde woman.’ Even then, he insisted, ‘her face must be very attractive’ or ‘nobody pay much attention.’

So, the next Lama will only live to the age of 24, 25 tops.

China uses animals to fight animals

One of the best way to fight our enemies is to use them against themselves. It shouldn’t be surprising that in the War on Animals, China has mastered this art.

The Chinese military plans tomorrow to hold a parade to mark the anniversary of the end of World War II. But they’ve got some pesky 400 species birds that are migrating this time of year that could mess with the planes taking part in the celebration. To fend off this avian assault, the Chinese military is using monkeys and falcons to scare off the birds and take out nests.

It is clear that if our enemies are making war against themselves, they will have no time for war with us.

Coming soon: A pill that makes booze good for your liver

If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know that an almost daily basis there’s another report extolling the health benefits of booze. But no one’s ever said drinking is good for your liver — until now.

Scientists in China have a made a discovery they say could one day lead to alcohol being good for your liver. Researchers say they have isolated a gene that allows the body to store the energy from booze as glycogen, rather than fat, which harms the liver. They say this could lead to a pill that can boost your PPP1r3G gene to store glycogen, making the only unhealthy part of bending an elbow actually beneficial.

It’s a brave, boozy new world.