Ozone gets more Os

The power is yours to bring this meeting to a swift end. Now, who’s resumed emitting CFCs? Do we really want more Captain Planet?

Alright, everyone. You’re probably wondering why we gathered all 197 signers of the Montreal Protocol here, today, on this comedy blog.

Look, ladies and fellas, we all agreed to stop emitting chlorofluorocarbons back in 1987 to stop Ted Turner’s production of further episodes of Captain Planet. And yet somehow, we suddenly have an uptick in measurable CFC11, which, as we all know, is the second most common CFC that destroys our ozone layer.

So, let’s apply the conditions of what may very well be written into the protocol to suss this out.

“Para. 24, Item a. The party who smelt it dealt it.” Do we really believe that study lead author Stephen Montzka, a research chemist at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration is responsible for it? Sure, ozone woes (woezones?) are good for NOAA business, but since when did ol’ Steph get into the plastics and/or refrigeration industry?

“Para. 93, Subpara. 2, Item f. The party who denied supplied it.” I see a lot of representatives here not fessing up–China, Koreas, Mongolia–which is technically denial by omission. And denial of omission of emissions is explicitly the kind of thing that made Montreal write this protocol in steak salt and poutine gravy in the first place.

“Section 31, Bullet 12. The party who deduced it produced it.” Oh, no. We’re not shifting the blame onto The Guys to stymie this meeting and move on to the bacon bar buffet. Everyone knows that SeriouslyGuys phased out CFCs in our jokes back in 2014 once we realized that nobody remembers the ozone layer anymore.

So, anybody have anything to say for themselves? Anybody at all? Alright. Caterers, please extinguish the Sterno from the bacon bar.

China will wet your pants for jaywalking

China is getting tough on jaywalking. In the sense that taking your picture and making your pants wet is getting tough.

The iron fist of Red China is coming down on people who cross the street against the traffic light, at least in the city of Daye. Authorities have set up sensors at major crosswalks that have facial recognition, and will spray you about waist level if you try to walk on red.

China, you’ve gone soft. You used to brutally crack down on lawlessness and rebellion. Now you control your people with gags that belong on TruTV.

China still can’t shake funeral strippers

Back in 2015 we told you about China’s crackdown on strippers performing at funerals, which probably led to a lot of you updating your wills. And now three years later, it seems the Chinese government can’t keep a good idea down.

China’s Ministry of Culture has announced that it is cracking down once again on funeral strippers, which remains a popular thing in rural areas because they are thought to boost attendance. But the problem may be more widespread than it was last time. Authorities said that they will also crack down on strippers at weddings and Chinese New Year celebrations.

So if you got engaged around Valentine’s Day, float the wedding stripper idea to your fiancee while she’s still distracted by her shiny new ring.

Chinese knock-off air pollution as deadly as the real thing

Products that boasted “Made in America” have become less reliable over the years. Despite that, China’s “Made in China” industry somehow has a much less reliable name. Lead paint, animal bones and illegal substances? “Made in China.” Not only that, you can get a knock-off of whatever you want in China! Want an iPhone 5? Get a Goophone (Made in China). iPad knock-off? They got that. A Superman figure? They got that, though it might be painted in green with red.

Want to knock-off the air pollution from Mexico City, the area that has regularly been known for being the most heavily polluted place on the planet? Yeah, China makes that, too.

Escaping danger has never been more fun

When we watch action movies, we’re always given the impression that the escape from the danger is harrowing, thrilling, an adrenaline-rush, more stress-inducing than our body might be able to take.

China, the country stereotypically for being full of mirth, thinks that getting out of buildings that have caught on fire should be a lot more enjoyable.

All is going to plan

The snake. It’s not normally an alpha predator, but in the right ecosystem, it has an untouched reign as king. The ones that have venom are even more powerful in their world, as not many creatures can readily top a poisonous animal.

Unless this is a children’s movie involving sports. You see, the power of teamwork is apparently more powerful than fangs dripping with a toxin, as a group of mice decided to show an unnamed venomous snake. This rebellion of the spirit took place in a Chinese zoo, as the mice were being fed to the serpent, but after seeing one of their kin being eaten, the rodents teamed up on the snake, managing to damage it while also earning their freedom from we humans.

While it’s regrettable that they were released, it is pleasing to see these two species feuding with each other. Perhaps we’ll be able to exploit it when the full-scale war breaks out.

The in-game assassin occupation is born

While video game addiction was once a uniquely American thing, times have changed, and kids in China are coming down with the illness, too. But they have their own way of handling things over there.

Xiao Feng, 23, believed himself to be the best online video game player around. For years he was playing games and neglecting school. His father was upset that he wasn’t even looking for a job. So, an in-game assassin-type guy was hired to go after his son to make him get bored with the games.

But where was his tiger mom?

Despite all his rage, the shark is no longer in a cage

The Guys don’t think it’s too much of a grasp to call an aquarium in a shopping mall ludicrous, or at the very least, gratuitous. Sure, we all like to see the prisoners of war in the conflict that we humans are involved in, but it just seems a bit … extravagant to have a glass cage filled with sea animals while you shop for the latest fashions.

But Shanghai is a different country containing their own excesses. Unfortunately, excesses sometimes have a limit. An aquarium located in a Shanghai mall burst, the six inch thick glass containing turtles, fish and lemon sharks breaking and sending its contents out onto the floor, but first into innocent bystanders (link contains an auto-playing video). Some citizens were injured, but no one died.

12-27-12: Never Forget.

Flipping the bird

The War on Animals is a truly a world war, as China is quickly finding out.

At a zoo in the country that’s not huge on human or animal rights (we do not support the War on Humans), the animal resistance lives on. A myna bird has been locked away at the Jiufeng Forest Zoo because instead of greeting visitors, as it has been trained to do, it has started shouting expletives at people. Yep, as Chinese families are walking into the zoo for a day full of wonderful memories, one bird has been chirping, “F&$% you!”

More bad news: Apparently birds can speak Chinese, which has to be way harder than English.