Tag: China

Kim Jong Un makes Snee’s Enemies List

Snee’s Enemy Number Un, riding a meal for twenty. (He’s not even that handsome, you guys.)

Two weeks ago, Rick Snee revealed his enemies list that he has been building since 1985 when People magazine started selecting a Sexiest Man Alive every year and has somehow consistently passed him over. He has not, however, put the editors of People on that list in hopes that they will one day stop being distracted by flashes in the pan like George Clooney and Johnny Depp.

And now, for the first time ever, there is a second entry within the year on his enemies list. The Onion named North Korean despot, Kim Jong Un, their Sexiest Man Alive, but they don’t count because they keep interviewing the same three people for their man-on-the-street interviews — like we wouldn’t notice! But, when the announcement made it into one of China’s official newspapers, People’s Daily Online (which sounds awfully close to People), that was close enough for impotent, wrathful listmaking.

Congratulations, Kim Jong Un! Your certificate of Rick Snee’s scorn is on its way, even if it is based on a technicality.

Let’s leave the term microtransaction out of this

Apple has told you before in the past that there is no such thing as porn on their glorious and devoutly holy iPhone, especially in their App Store.

Rick Snee has told you otherwise.

What neither side has told you is that there a special function in the iPhone that you haven’t been told about. It’s not the Find iPhone, it’s not the Find Friends, it’s Find Prostitute! No, really, and China doesn’t exactly seem to be too keen on it. Feeling lonely at night? Need a special service that you could tip a little extra at a massage parlor? Siri might be able to help you out.

When there’s no more room in China, the dead will rise

Zombie movies have happened just about everywhere. The United States, Germany, Canada, Sweden, England, Wales, Australia, India, Japan, and if I understand the trailer, perhaps some place in Africa while also facing the T-800?

But one place they haven’t happened in is China. That is, until recently.

A man in Foshan City cornered a woman on the street and proceeded to begin gnawing on her face. Bystanders came by and attacked the undead man with a shovel to no avail. When the police arrived, the zombie began chewing on one of their arms. Ghastly!

The media is writing off the incident as the actions of a mentally ill individual, but c’mon. You and I know the real truth here. World War Z may soon become a tome that predicts the future.

Deflation hits sex dolls especially hard

Turkish authorities mounted a daring rescue, but it was too late: a blow-up doll had committed suicide by jumping into Black Sea. With no identification or known family, she was buried unceremoniously in a trash can in accordance with what may very well have been her final wishes.

This isn’t the first time it’s happened, either. Rescue workers in China recovered another doll back in July. We may never know what’s causing inflato sapiens to take their own lives. All we do know is that life is short, and when love comes your way, keep your nails trimmed.

It’s expensive because the air is fresher

In Spaceballs, Mel Brooks huffs canned air. Like, straight-up huffs, as if it’s a brown paper bag filled with spray-paint or glue. The movie features a made up brand. Who would’ve guessed that the product would eventually become a reality?

In China, billionaire and philanthropist Chen Guangbiao launched his line of canned air. Each can of “Good Person Chen Guangbiao” (a trademark name that can’t be anything than fantastic) canned air is priced at the equivalent of 80 cents (American) and contains fresh air from Wuhe county in Anhui province and Taiwan.

Which means absolutely nothing to me. Should it? I have no idea. Write in and tell me if and why it should. The first person who does gets nothing.

Very bad badminton, indeed

The world of badminton is caught up in an Olympic scandal: players intentionally tanking games for easier playoff matches. Eight women in all have been disqualified from the 2012 London Games after very obviously underplaying, including teams from China, South Korea and Indonesia.

The scandal reached a head when both teams in a match were actively trying to lose, with the South Koreans and Chinese each hoping to outlast the other with net serve after net serve and wide returning shots. The longest volley of the entire match — which can last up to three games — was four volleys. China eventually lost the first two matches, so that means they won?

The takeaway from this story, we guess, is that even lady athletes can act like a bag of shuttlecocks.

[Special thanks to Patrick H. for bringing this story to our attention!]

It’s like Baby Beluga, minus the Beluga and plus the consumption

The Atkins Diet? Bah. Phen-phen? Phooey. South Beach Diet? Balderdash. Super XXL Vito-Blast? Yeah right (and furthermore, why oh why, Alex, does someone need 300 percent of their daily riboflavin intake?). Anything hocked by Anna Nicole Smith or that random blonde chick that loses her jeans in the commercial? No.

Why bother with any of those time-tested and failed excuses for dieting when the true solution has been found? Not only is it natural, but it fulfills the fetish that white people have for products originating from the east, this miracle pill coming from China and South Korea. Are you ready for it?

It’s powdered human flesh capsules, primarily originating from fetuses and babies.

Oh, you can go. I’ll let you run off and retch now.

Panda-poopa Matata

Kids and women the world over say that they love pandas. They’re not necessarily species traitors, just dumb people. It’s futile to love the panda because the panda does not love itself. After years of being hunted searched, the species just refuses to procreate. Laborious and expensive treatments and experiments over the years have had a net result of nearly nil. It’s given up on life and as a result, we should give up on it.

An Yanshi isn’t necessarily giving up on them, so much as making them work for their existence. The Chinese entrepreneur is using large amounts of their dung to grow organic tea. 50 grams of the tea will cost you 3500 dollars, making it around 200 dollars for a cup.

“Panda Poop Green Tea.” I’m sure it’ll sell like wildfire with branding like that. At least we’re putting an enemy to use for our side, even if it’s fat emo kid of the animal kingdom.

Ixnay on the entertain-ay

Justice Potter Stewart once said that he knows what pornography is when he sees it. While vulgarity is not quite the same as pornography (though that may be simply a case of semantics), China’s government has decided that it knows not only better than you, but it knows what vulgarity is.

And vulgarity is overly entertaining television. No, really.

We can only assume something may have been lost in the translation.

Like a good neighbor, Sunshine Insurance Group Corporation is there

Doesn’t quite roll off the tongue as easy as you might hope, does it?

Hey, Chinese people: Do you live in China? Own property? Is that property of the virtual property type? Sunshine Insurance Group Corporation might just have you covered.

Working with online game operator Gamebar, the insurance company is issuing virtual property insurance to protect players from theft or loss of “virtual property” such as “land” or “currency”. This is definitely not an area that my corporate overlords have ever thought about going in.

Accordingly, the insurance will also protect game operators, who purchase the insurance to compensate customers from damages. This is apparently the first virtual property insurance in China, if not the world. This is also the nerdiest aspect of insurance in a world filled with numbers and more boring numbers. Now, on both counts.