Flipping the bird

The War on Animals is a truly a world war, as China is quickly finding out.

At a zoo in the country that’s not huge on human or animal rights (we do not support the War on Humans), the animal resistance lives on. A myna bird has been locked away at the Jiufeng Forest Zoo because instead of greeting visitors, as it has been trained to do, it has started shouting expletives at people. Yep, as Chinese families are walking into the zoo for a day full of wonderful memories, one bird has been chirping, “F&$% you!”

More bad news: Apparently birds can speak Chinese, which has to be way harder than English.

Hummer: no happy ending?

Everyone who sees a Hummer thinks one of two things: a)Somebody has penis issues,” or–if you’re also a Hummer owner–b) “Mine’s bigger.”

But, those halcyon days of gloating from your Pontiac Aztec or PT Cruiser at stupider spending choices may be numbered. The Chinese have backed out of purchase negotiations of the line from General Motors.

With no buyers, GM may be forced to shut down the brand, ending all production. This may be the worst news for douchebags since cone snails, which are where puka shells come from, were added to the endangered species list.

GM will continue to look for offers for Hummer, but it’s not looking good to spokesman Nick Richards.

“Hummer going down?” Richards said. “It sucks, bra.”

It’s like ‘Top Gun’ but in boats … and weird

If Top Gun taught us anything, it’s that communism is best faced over international waters as wet and nakedly as possible. That was 1986.

Since then, the military has faced numerous anti-Top Gun obstacles, including the collapse of communism in the Soviet Union and the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.

However, in 2009, the Navy truly loves the ’80s, thanks in part to the Chinese.

During a surveillance mission over 100 miles off the coast of China, the USNS Impeccable found a collection Chinese naval, state and civilian vessels shadowing it. Two of the ships approached, their crews waving Chinese flags and telling the Impeccable to go home. The Impeccable, knowing this was the Top Gun moment they had waited their entire careers for, opened up on them with their fire hoses.

The wet fun didn’t stop there. The Chinese sailors stripped down to their underwear and continued to taunt the American crew provocatively. (What were the chances they’d run into the Chinese on laundry day?)

Creeped out but not wanting to seem homophobic, the Impeccable informed the ships “in a friendly manner” that they were leaving the area. One of the Chinese vessels maneuvered directly in front of the Impeccable, forcing her to an all-stop. They then dropped their large wooden plank right in front of the American’s nose.

Still, the Impeccable escaped. U.S. and Chinese officials have each lodged complaints against the other’s actions in what may be the world’s first maritime legal “You know how I know you’re gay?” arguments.

Please, think of the athletes

The International Olympic Committee would like to remind you that human rights violations are no reason to boycott the Olympics.  It’s important to recognize the diversity of other cultures and some of those, like the Chinese when it comes to Tibet and Myanmar, are dicks.

“‘We believe that the boycott doesn’t solve anything,’ [IOC President Jacques] Rogge told reporters[.] ‘On the contrary, it is penalizing innocent athletes and it is stopping the organization from something that definitely is worthwhile organizing'” (emphasis ours). 

In other news, the IOC is still preoccupied with hard-hitting, globally-destructive issues like doping.  The IOC: just like in high school, it’s all about the jacques jocks.