Monkeys, rats, bears breaking into buildings

You can lock your doors and shut your windows. You can have the best home security system that money can buy. Animals will still find a way into your house. Will you be ready when they do?

The Indian government found itself under attack when two monkeys made their way inside a government building, sending public servants scrambling for safety. Luckily no one was injured, and the monkeys were chased off by security guards. But many suspect this was simply a probe of defenses ahead of a real attack.

In Dallas, Texas, customers at Chipotle had their meals ruined by something other than salmonella. Witnesses reported rats, (or mice, because no one in Texas can tell the difference) falling out of the ceiling and scurrying around the restaurant. But because they had been gorging themselves on Chipotle, the rodents were slow-moving and easily rounded up for questioning.

And finally, a Montana man took a nap in his home and found that while he slept a bear had broken in and taken two dumps on his living room floor and left. That’s just mean.

Taco Bell aims to be No. 1 supplier of Mexican-flavored food poisoning again

White seats in a fast food taco joint? You flew too close to the sun, Taco Bell.
White seats in a fast food taco joint? You flew too close to the sun, Taco Bell. Have you seen your Doritos- dusted sharts?

With Chipotle looking more vulnerable than ever, Taco Bell believes that the norovirus could do for fast food what it did for trains and air travel against cruise lines. The most successful restaurant chain to appear in Demolition Man is testing new store formats to convince diners to stay in for dinner, not just try to sound sober enough to use the drive-thru at 2 am.

And why not? Remember when our taco-flavored barf only cost $1 per taco? We can live that beautiful dream again, thanks to the miracle of interior design.

Chipotle jumps onto Less-than-super Monday hangover grenade

Chipotle knows that there's no discernible difference between a burrito thrown up due to E. Coli or E. Stoli.
Chipotle knows that there’s no discernible difference between a burrito thrown up due to E. Coli or E. Stoli.

Despite more people worldwide (over)celebrating the Super Bowl than Christmas, the federal government and your boss refuse to recognize it as a national holiday. One-quarter drink to cheer the thrill of victory; one-quarter to drown the agony of defeat; one-quarter¬†to endure the half-time show; and one-quarter because football. So, everyone knows why you’re calling in sick on Less-than-super Monday, and it reflects on you poorly as a person, even though nearly everyone else is at least a little hungover the day after the Super Bowl.

And that’s Chipotle’s opening to win you back — even though, c’mon, the only people who stopped eating there weren’t allowed to check out of the ICU for food poisoning. They’ll take $50 off 1,500 catering orders they receive for Super Bowl parties.

So, when your supervisor gets all judgy when you call in the next day, tell ’em it’s not a hangover; it’s Chipotle.

You Missed It: Waterworks edition

Umpires were unable to find any foreign substances on Obama's glove, and the game was allowed to continue.
Umpires were unable to find any foreign substances on Obama’s glove, and the game was allowed to continue.

Welcome to the worst time of year. The holidays are over, your bank account is recovering from the shopping binge, and the weather sucks. The weather’s going to suck for months because it’s the beginning of winter and there’s nothing to look forward to. Really, the only thing on the horizon is Valentine’s Day, and unless you’re a woman, it’s not something to get excited about. Hunker down, keep your whiskey supply up, and keep waiting for St. Patrick’s Day. If you were busy watching a crime documentary show this week, odds are you missed it.

Mourning in America
During a speech about gun control measures being enacted through executive order, President Barack Obama shed a tear when he mentioned the children who were murdered in Newtown, Connecticut three years ago. Conspiracy theorists say Obama wiped Bengay under his eye in order to coax out a tear for cameras. This is how bad the far-right internet has gotten: John Boehner can cry and lactate 20 times a day over nothing, but the president can’t get emotional talking about dead little kids. Wouldn’t it be easier to just call Obama out for being a robot sent to destroy America?

Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb this week, but experts aren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marks another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.

‘Dear Mom, camp is great. Send snacks.’
Militiamen continued their “occupation” of a small federal park building in Oregon in protest of land rights or something like that. But it turns out they didn’t pack accordingly. Dumbasses, who have threatened violence against authorities, have asked supporters to send them supplies, as they didn’t pack enough to keep them fed for a long stay. Chipotle has responded by sending all of its salmonella-tainted burritos.

When GMO-free food attacks!

If you uncontrollably poop in the woods, and no one's there to hear it, did Chipotle cause it?
If you uncontrollably poop in the woods, and no one’s there to hear it, does anyone make a Sh*tpotle joke?

Stock fell for the Subway of burritos, Chipotle, after reports of people getting E. coli from their food hit the press. There have been 22 reported cases of infection, but it’s impossible to know how many were really infected since diarrhea is already a symptom of eating at Chipotle.

That people could get diseases from Chipotle’s food may be surprising for some since the chain claims that all of its ingredients are not from genetically modified organisms (or GMOs). So, at least we’re all getting organic, free-range sh*ts.

Fast food tacos have no sh*ts left to give

Fast food taco huts are just America's next Waffle House: a perfect end to a late night adventure/contract herpes from corn-based products.
Taco huts are just America’s next Waffle House: a perfect way to contract herpes from corn-based products at the end of a late night adventure.

If you think our nation’s Mexican-themed fast food places are pushovers just because they fold up the same three ingredients for different prices, think again.

One late night pushy Taco Bell customer ate lukewarm stainless steel after harassing an employee at 4 am. According to police, the employee shot the enraged 4th-mealer with a BB gun after the two fought in the parking lot.

And, if the salsa doesn’t give you a weird feeling in your stomach at Chipotle, how about two people having sex on top of it? (OK, so it was on the roof, 6 feet over the salsa. But still: nas-tay.) They were arrested and charged with indecent exposure, lewdness, loitering, resisting arrest (they tried to run) and conspiracy. Police would not confirm if the conspiracy was to steer more people to Moe’s, the least sexy burrito Subway in the world.

One thing is clear from both situations: do not screw with (or on) America’s taco emporiums.

Hands off my burrito, science!

This blog has never been big on believing in “facts” or “information,” which is why we come so close to agreeing with climate change deniers. (Does it feel warm to you? No! Case in point!) They say this climate mumbo-jumbo is nothing but an elaborate, worldwide plot by those fat cat scientists to drain economies while spreading panic. Today we’re almost inclined to agree.

Colon-cleansing company Chipotle said in its annual report that it may have to stop offering guacamole and some of its salsas because of rising prices. And behind those rising prices? You guessed it: climate change. The company said that with the crazy weather happening around the world, the price and availability of its ingredients for certain things could skyrocket.

Well done, science. You and your golden-labcoated friends can use another $10,000 to light up your cigars tonight. You’ve scared Chipotle into considering taking away the thing we love most. Now you can tell us all about rising sea levels and make it sound like beachfront property in Indiana isn’t a good thing.