The race to save chocolate from climate change

Chocolate: without it, peanut butter cups are just weird. And we may be facing just such weirdness in the future, thanks to climate change. But a team of scientists is working to save it (chocolate, not the climate).

It’s true, chocolate, the main ingredient in fudge, could cease to be in the decades ahead, because the cacao plant is losing its habitat thanks to climate change. Cacao plants need to be grown in a very specific, unchanging environment, which is why they don’t stand a chance as things continue to get crazy weatherwise. That’s why a team of researchers is using gene editing technology to make cacao better able to grow at higher elevations, where weather is generally more stable.

However, if we do run out of chocolate, at least all the chocoholics will get clean.

Sniff test: Snortable chocolate is a thing

It’s summertime, which means that everyone’s on vacation, and there’s no real news happening. So it’s time for our friends in the news media to start running alarmist stories about how rampant and dangerous some relatively small trends among the youth really are. This is your lucky day, snortable chocolate!

For decades, powdered chocolate has been used by moms as a quick mix for chocolate milk. If you believe the hype, it’s now the next big club drug. Some dude heard that snorting chocolate was a growing trend in Europe, so he decided to bring it here.

Coco Loko is being marketed as a legal way to snort something and get high. It’s cocoa powder mixed with some legal stimulants to give you a rush of energy. Use of a silly straw is optional. Coco Loko is to cocaine what candy cigarettes are to smokes.

And no overblown panic story is complete without threats of a crackdown. Sen. Chuck Schumer has sent a letter to the FDA urging it to investigate the health effects of snorting chocolate and potentially ban cocoa snuff.

Pro tip: After snorting Coco Loko, don’t use your sleeve when you sneeze. Chocolate stains are a bitch to get out.

Killing bears with the ‘itis

Shot himself a bar when he was only three. Sonny, Sonny Crockett! King of the Wild Frontier!
♪ ♫ Shot himself a b’ar when he was only three. Sonny, Sonny Crockett! King of the Wild Frontier! ♬ ♫

You would assume that hunting gets more dangerous and sexy based on the dangerousness of the prey. Basically, you progress from hunting ants with a magnifying glass to amphibious anti-air assaults on ducks, eventually graduating to Predator-style hunts of the most dangerous game: man. And somewhere in there, you go mano-a-mano with a bear, Crockett-style.

What nobody tells you, though, is that bear hunting is actually a lazy endeavor involving 90 pounds of chocolate bait — which is about 80 pounds more than you need to hunt premenstrual women.

It’s gotten so bad that New Hampshire wildlife officials want hunters to stop using chocolate bait because it alone kills more bears than they intended.

And we agree. Bear death by chocolate is the most disappointing dénouement for any war — much less the War on Animals — since World War II in Europe when the Nazis covered up Hitler’s accidental auto-erotic asphyxiation death with a bullet, cyanide and cremation and killing his dogs and girlfriend to eliminate any witnesses.

We will not be denied our chocolate

Earlier this week, all of your Facebook friends had a collective meltdown because Cadbury is going to change the recipe for its world-famous creme eggs. They’re changing it from dairy milk chocolate to a slightly different kind of chocolate. We can stand news of thousands being slaughtered in Nigeria, but messing with our chocolate? We cannot brook this offense. Even though it’s only England that’s going to have the formula change. Je suis Hershey.

And if you thought you were addicted chocolate before, get ready to snort it like cocaine. A Belgian chocolate aficionado Dominique Persoone now sells a snortable form of chocolate. It was originally developed for a birthday party for Ronnie Wood of the Rolling Stones back in 2008, but has only now taken off in Europe.

It’s not legal here in the U.S., so you’ll have to travel overseas to get your fix.

Take it from Snee: Women are still mysterious

A little over a month ago, I began investigating the enigmas that are women — these eniginas, if you will — after learning that Stephen Hawking is wasting valuable research time thinking about them. (Get back to your black holes, sir. You study cosmology, not Cosmo.)

Well, it looks like my investigation has attracted the notice of Republican state and federal legislators, who — like Professor Hawking — often have a problem with wasting time on this issue. I’ll admit that my sources are lacking when it comes to the pull of congressional committees as I don’t have the power to summon religious leaders to answer my questions.

Is this how mysterious women have become, that when science fails, we must turn to our culturally relevant mythologies (not this year, Zeus) to finally figure out what makes ladies tick? The answer is, yes, short of asking women, this is the only way to solve the further mysteries of women. Mysteries like … Continue reading Take it from Snee: Women are still mysterious

It’s the gift you both can share

Because it’s gonna take at least two of you to finish it up, that’s for sure. At least, if your valentine is entomophobic.

Komatsuya Honten, a bakery in Akita, bakes treats in the shape of rhinoceros beetles and their larvae. No worries, as they’re straight-up chocolate, but they look just like the critters some of you used to catch and keep in your childhood. Not me, as I never went after animals bigger than me. As nasty as they might look, they sometimes sell out within an hour, says the shop keeper.

Writer Matt Alt tried the ¥2,100 “Kabuto-Mushi Cake Lovely Pack,” which crawled with two larvae candies and a beetle cake. They sound pretty tasty:

The beetles are cake enrobed in a rich dark chocolate, with chocolate-dipped fruit slices used for thin parts like legs and horns. The larvae are milk chocolate with crisped rice mixed in…

So, remember: human ears taste like chicken, bugs taste like chocolate and the continued existence of this shop tastes like victory in the War on Animals.

Take pleasure in their pain

It’s no surprise that cigarettes are harder to quit than heroin. We’ve heard the stats and arguments about this before multiple times by now. But are other guilty pleasures just as addictive-like, say, chocolate?

If you’re a mouse, there’s a good chance of that.

Italian researchers set out to discover just how much compulsive behavior plays a role in eating disorders. Rossella Ventura, leader of the research team at the Santa Lucia Foundation in Rome, took two sets of mice – the experimental group was starved (which we approve) while the control was fed normally (which we don’t approve as much) – and trained them to choose between two chambers in a maze. The first chamber was empty while the second had a bit of chocolate inside. Once this conditioning was established, they added a mild electric shock to the chocolate room.

They then allowed the starved mice to eat their way back to normal weight and let both sets into the maze. The mice that had been well-fed throughout experienced the shock and quickly learned to avoid the chocolate chamber (awww). The previously starved mice, on the other hand, fought through the pain in pursuit of the chocolate (sort of yay), despite the fact that they were now being fed adequately elsewhere.

Ventura believes this willingness to ignore negative consequences in pursuit of food even when there is no great need for it demonstrates part of the behavior components that underlie eating disorders in humans and animals. Frankly, we at SG don’t care if they’ve got bulimia or boo-urnslimia. This is information that we can use in our great war against nature, and boy oh boy, is it good information. Can we suggest attempting the experiment on a larger scale, but then incorporate flamethrowers rather than just electric shocks? Oh, and just starve all the animals in this large scale experiment?

Don’t judge me-we’re at war, people.

WWJE: What Would Jesus Eat?

Many chocolates claim to be divine, but sadly, they always come up short. Until now.

A German businessman is selling Jesus chocolates he calls “Sweet Lord,” just in time for the holidays Christmas. Shockingly, Protestants and Catholics in Germany are none too pleased by the entrepreneur’s attempt to bring Jesus back to his birthday party.

If you ask us, they’re really missing out on a great way to get people back in the pews on Sundays, at least for Catholics. Instead of giving out bread at communion, give out chocolate Jesuses (Jesi?). It’s still his body you’re eating, right?

Want to order some savior? You can find Jesus here.