The best things in life include countermeasures

It’s Friday, so we know what you little hornballs want: redheaded titis hamburgers. The greasier, the better, right?

But, what about cholesterol, frowny-face?

Never get between British scientists and their chips, because they have a solution. And by solution, they mean adding a side of statin drugs to every fast food value meal.

Statins lower the unhealthy amount of bad cholesterol–LDL–and could “offset the increased risk to the heart caused by the fat in a medium-sized cheeseburger and a small milkshake.”

We think this is a brilliant idea and would like to apply it to some other vices, like selling:

  • Breathmints with cigarettes.
  • Viagra with motorcycles.
  • Penicillin with your mom.

Take it from Dr. Snee: Incentivizing is the new Atkins

There won’t be any letters this week. I want to talk to you about your health and some of my concerns. You may not realize it, but you–yes, you–are unhealthy.

Doctors and lesser scientists have tried everything to make you healthier. We told you that if you got into shape, you’d have more frequent and better sex. When we discovered that fat people and coat racks still manage to have sex, we tried to tell you sex is exercise. That just led to sex toys and the Internet.

We even tried to use food against you. We told you that you could lose weight by eating steak, every f#@king day. You could eat bacon every hour of the day, so long as you didn’t put it in bread. And you still blew it.

And that’s why I’m writing to you today. I’m feed up, so like a high school parent, the government and I are going to pay you for every passed physical. But, any time you do some unhealthy, we’re gonna take some of that money back.

It’s called incentivizing, and it’s the new Atkins. Continue reading Take it from Dr. Snee: Incentivizing is the new Atkins

Would it hurt you to give your tree a hug?

Most of us can agree that pollution is bad, yet it might not be worth doing anything about.

You can’t blame people for opposing air quality regulations when respiratory health is on the line. Or the climate that impacts our food supplies. Or the high price of SPF 2000 sunscreen that leaves you looking a payday shy of Sasha Grey.

But did you ever consider that pollution is breaking our hearts, you inhuman monster?

And while we’re talking about broken hearts and your business practices, let your employees go home early.

Did you even call your mother this weekend?


Pip-pip Cheerio and all that jazz

This is just as disappointing as last year's Valentine's Day.Between Cheerios claiming on the box that it cures heart disease and people claiming they’re under attack by President Obama, we’re starting to wonder when cereal became more than a container for free decoder rings.

Seriously? We’re worried about Cheerios?

What about Lucky Charms’ uncontested claim that they’re a magical part of a complete nutritious breakfast?

Or how about Frosted Flakes’ criminal lack of warning that too much of it before soccer results in on-field vomiting?

What? Just sayin’.