World to end on Saturday

Cancel your weekend plans — they aren’t going to happen, because it looks like the world is going to end on Saturday, Sept. 23.

The latest doomsday prediction comes from, you guessed it, a half-baked Christian fundamentalist group. And despite being wrong every time for the past two millennia, they’re sure they have it this time. We won’t bore you with the details, but it related to the positions of the Sun and some planets in relation to certain constellations (which aren’t Judeo-Christian in the first place), last month’s solar eclipse and a unique interpretation of the Book of Revelation.

Remember that non-existent dwarf planet Nibiru that was supposed to hit Earth back in 2012? Same prediction here, just a new date.

The prediction is being denounced as a hoax by pretty much any authority on Christianity you can find. Or maybe they just don’t want the masses to believe it so they can have a bigger yard in Heaven.

Archaeologists find earliest evidence of Peter Benchley in 1st Century tomb

A group of archaeologists who thought they found Jesus’ tomb a few years back believes they struck paydirt again, this time unearthing what may be the earliest grave ever marked with the Jesus fish. The inscription (see above) is theorized to represent Jonah — the testicle hanging off the fish’s lip — being eaten by the fish God sent after him. (It was the Old Testament. Fatherhood really changes a deity.)

The tomb in question dates back to the 1st Century. Previously, the Jesus fish has only been found on tombs as far back as the 2nd Century, when early Christians believed in adorning the most expensive thing they owned with faith-advertisements and representations of how many times they’ve procreated.

Even if you don’t believe, just remember: one day in the future, somebody is going to unearth your remains and think you might be Steve Jobs because you insisted on being buried with your iPad.

Don’t kill yourself planning this year’s vacation

It was a close call, but we almost lost the world’s premier euthadestination: Switzerland.

The Swiss conservative Federal Democratic Union party and Christian groups lost a referendum vote to end assisted suicide for foreign visitors. 80 percent of Swiss voters depend on the FDU-dubbed “suicide tourism” industry, which is the neutral nation’s only means of competition with other European hotspots like Amsterdam’s marijuana and sex tourism and France’s “go ahead and take Paris, we weren’t really using it anyway” tourism.

So, when you think you can’t take your spouse, kids and job anymore, think Switzerland.

Tattoo Discrimination Update: It’s on

On June 19, 2008, I wrote a post that made fun of people highlighted in a CNN article about being too tattooed to work in the United States. Some of you out there took offense. I hear you.

No, really: I hear you. I hear you in emails, in comments (new ones today), on the riverboats where I play high stakes video poker … I’m sick and tired of hearing you.

I even pretended to take your side on November 26, but nobody bought it. You got me: I was being funny again.

You keep telling me that you’re upset that I could be so discriminatory. Well, I think you’re all talk, Internet tattoo people.

In response to the latest bout of me-bashing in the threads (by a Christian, no less!), I’ve thrown down the gauntlet and issued a challenge:

If you can show me one (1) photograph that proves there is a non-tattooed prisoner on Death Row …

I will get a tattoo. And I will publish it on this site.

And on your web site, too, if you have one, proving to your friends how smart and influential you are (despite your ink).

I will seriously do this. So show me what you’re made of, painted ladies and gentlemen of the Internet.

Again, I am serious. That’s what I do: I’m a SeriouslyGuy.

Email all pics (like they exist!) to rick.snee@seriouslyguys.com. Make sure you tell me who’s in the picture and what they’re in for. I will also post this up on our Web site to show you bested me.

Note: Do NOT send me pictures of tattooed professionals or super-nice people, trying to prove that not everyone who has tattoos is evil. We all know there are a lot of stupid nice people out there, and tattoos are really popular right now. Just like Britney Spears.

Crisis of faith in Carolina

Well, Florida’s plans of a Christian license plate didn’t go too well. (Something about a church and state separation thing.) Next up: South Carolina, where the U.S. Constitution has been interpreted selectively since 1788.

Yes, South Carolina drivers could soon be expressing their faith through “I Believe” license plates. Because Christians cannot express their faith through, you know, magnetic fish.

Here are some other “I Believe” license plates we are sure to see:

  • “I Believe In A Thing Called Love” Available to members of The Darkness only.
  • “I Want To Believe” For X-Files fans, especially for this summer’s release.
  • “Yo Believo” For owners of Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again.
  • And to capitalize on the popularity of Grey’s Anatomy:
    “I believe in the good. I believe that it’s been a hell of a year. And I believe, in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, we will all be OK. I believe a lot of things. I believe that Denny is always with me. And I believe that if I eat a tub of butter, and no one sees me, the calories don’t count. And I believe that surgeons who prefer staples over stitches are just lazy. I believe you are a man who made a terrible mistake by marrying Callie. And I believe that because you’re my best friend, I can tell you this and we can be OK. I believe even though you made this mistake, you will be OK, I believe we survive, George. I believe that believing we survive is what makes us survive.”

Arkansas toddlers no longer enjoy freedom to marry

In another example of creeping fascism, the state of Arkansas has ended a marriage debate that is as old as, well, as old as last fall. The state has come down hard in its staunch Bible Belting point of view on marriage: children are no longer allowed to marry.

The debate arose last October, when it was discovered there was a loophole in a marriage law the legislature had recently passed that allowed anyone, regardless of their age, to marry. The state was marred with complaints, and numerous annulments had to be granted, because play-weddings ended up being officiated by justices of the peace.

This blog pleads with Arkansas to reverse its decision. We all know that kids are lazy. Perhaps getting married will force them to be more responsible and get a job, instead of mooching off of the older generation.

(Courtesy of Courtney P.)