World to end on Saturday

Cancel your weekend plans — they aren’t going to happen, because it looks like the world is going to end on Saturday, Sept. 23.

The latest doomsday prediction comes from, you guessed it, a half-baked Christian fundamentalist group. And despite being wrong every time for the past two millennia, they’re sure they have it this time. We won’t bore you with the details, but it related to the positions of the Sun and some planets in relation to certain constellations (which aren’t Judeo-Christian in the first place), last month’s solar eclipse and a unique interpretation of the Book of Revelation.

Remember that non-existent dwarf planet Nibiru that was supposed to hit Earth back in 2012? Same prediction here, just a new date.

The prediction is being denounced as a hoax by pretty much any authority on Christianity you can find. Or maybe they just don’t want the masses to believe it so they can have a bigger yard in Heaven.

‘War on Christmas’ starts earlier every year

Starbucks picked the perfect symbol to capture the 2015 holiday spirit: an angry red cup that runneth over with hot, scalding rage because the barista didn't leave room for cream.
Starbucks picked the perfect symbol to capture the 2015 holiday spirit: an angry red cup that runneth over with hot, scalding rage because the barista didn’t leave room for cream.

It’s only been a week since Halloween (we haven’t even changed our message in the sidebar yet, fer pete’s), and imaginary battle lines have already been drawn in the non-going War on Christmas.

Starbucks unveiled plain red cups that they will use this season, presumably to pedal out America’s peppermint-flavored fixes. Because Starbucks is already somehow a political cudgel for gun rights, one or two of the usual Christian attention whores have declared this an affront to god, whatever the holy spirit is and the only baby with a beard, Jesus Christ himself. (Fun fact: his middle initial, “H,” actually stands for “Himself.”)

This has prompted a far larger crowd of perpetually eye-rolling online activists to prop up those one or two angry people as the Official Christian Response to Starbucks, effectively doing a better job of spreading hypocritical Christian angst than the Westboro Baptists. (That’s how we found out about this whole to-do, not because of Pastor Dave’s blog post/call to boycott.)

Meanwhile, Starbucks is doing better than ever, selling coffee to both the aggrieved (who are “tricking” baristas into writing misspelling “Merry Christmas” on their cups by saying that’s their name) and the humanist keyboard commandos alike. Other seasonal causes, like feeding and clothing the poor this winter and Movember, will have to try harder to offend for this kind of success.

Take it from Snee: Lent harder

Lent is back, or the 40 days when we commemorate Jesus' trip through Bat Country with Satan.
Lent is back, or the 40 days when we commemorate Jesus’ trip through Bat Country with Satan.

Back in 2012, I did both the religious and secular world a solid by making Lent suggestions to mutually-affective nuisances like George Lucas, the Westboro Baptist Church and Rick Santorum. And, since they’re barely bothering us in 2015, I think it worked. You’re welcome, America.

So, now that God’s making us put in the work into this relationship following Valentine’s Day, here are some more current suggestions for Lent.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lent harder

The few literate Louisianians want Bible named state book

If all you know about Louisiana is what you’ve seen on TV, you probably think it’s a state full of rednecks, perverts, corrupt officials, more rednecks, Steven Seagal, and vampires pretty much everywhere you look. You may not be far off, but there’s so much more to the state.

Just look at how its state legislature is trying to better the lives of its citizenry. When they’re not refusing to take a homophobic, unconstitutional law off the books, state lawmakers are busy blurring the line separating church and state in other ways. The Louisiana House of Representatives is considering a bill that would make the Bible the official state book. Though some lawmakers warn such a bill could lead to First Amendment lawsuits if passed, supporters say making the official book of Christianity the official book of Louisiana doesn’t discriminate against other religions.

In case you’re wondering, no U.S. state has an official book, but two states have official children’s books. Michigan has a book you’ve never heard of, and Massachusetts, that bastion of conservative thought, has Make Way for Ducklings, which is seen by critics as a piece of Zionist propaganda.

Jesus is for states’ rights in N.C.

Probably what the Rowan County temple parking lot looks like on the Sabbath.
Probably what the Rowan County temple parking lot looks like on the Sabbath.

This may come as a bit of a surprise, but North Carolina’s not huge on social progress or the law.

A bill in the North Carolina House would establish a state religion just because they don’t want to have to stop praying in an overtly Christian way during local government meetings. This all stems from a dispute between the ACLU and the Rowan County government.

The ACLU has filed a lawsuit because the county board of commissioners has opened 97% of its meetings since 2007 with Christian prayers. It’s legal to pray at government meetings, just not specifically to one religion. Rather than tone down the name checks to Jesus, the local leaders kicked it up to the state level. Two Rowan County representatives introduced the bill that would not only make North Carolina officially Christian, but it would nullify any federal law or court ruling against it. Let’s take a look at the bill.

“The Constitution of the United States does not grant the federal government and does not grant the federal courts the power to determine what is or is not constitutional; therefore, by virtue of the Tenth Amendment to the Constitution of the United States.”

Does too.

“The North Carolina General Assembly asserts that the Constitution of the United States of America does not prohibit states or their subsidiaries from making laws respecting an establishment of religion.”

Wrong again.

“The North Carolina General Assembly does not recognize federal court rulings which prohibit and otherwise regulate the State of North Carolina, its public schools or any political subdivisions of the State from making laws respecting an establishment of religion.”

Actually, it’s the “supreme Law of the Land.”

We’ve been through this before, South. Don’t make us come down there again.

What about house sitting?

Let’s face it, folks, the world is coming to an end very soon, just ask Kirk Cameron or Roland Emmerich. But as we all know, only good Christians are going to go directly to Heaven when the rapture comes.

Of course, this leaves a logistical problem: If I am suddenly going to be taken off the face of the Earth in the Rapture, who is going to take care of my cats, who have no souls, and thus, will not be able to go to Heaven with me?

Enter Bart Centre, atheist author who is offering to watch your pets for a fee when God calls you home without even killing you first. After all, the atheists will be left behind, since they, like the animals, have no souls, only a strong sense of superiority. Centre’s Eternal Earth-Bound Pets offers a 10-year contract for $110. Baptize your pets today and save yourself some money.

Rise, my cake

Chancellor Palpatine Emperor Palpatine Pope Benedict XVI recently turned a whopping 83 years old. At his birthday party, he was given a large cake and had “Happy Birthday” sung to him in English. Because, you know, the Catholic Church has never had issues with small children and Benedict has never had any possible ties to the German Nazi party or movement. Never.

We can only assume that each candle (all 83 of them) had a tip that resembled a Pope hat. Because that makes us smile.

In other food related news, a hub-bub has been stirred up regarding the irony of KFC’s recent healthy focus campaign for the Susan G. Komen foundation and their release of the Double Down. And yet, there’s another hub-bub that they might want to focus on also. Oh, and SHAMELESS PLUG IS SHAMELESS

His next trick is turning water into PHISH

Dear hippies of the world,

Stop. Just stop. It’s not funny anymore. Lay off the drugs. Sure, you had your time, I mean, the late sixties onward into the mid-seventies or so, those were great years for you all. But let’s face it-you’re just not enjoyable anymore. Bryan McBournie can’t stand you all crowding his home state. Hunter S. Thompson used you only for your drugs, and he didn’t even pay for them! The first Woodstock was something of legend, but every single one after that consisted of selling out to the man. Yeah, real counterculture, that.

And what’s this? Now you’ve found an image of Jesus in a tie-dyed shirt? Scratch that-you think you’ve found an image of Jesus in a tie-dyed shirt? I’ll have you know that I see a cow skull, which seems pretty anti-Jesus if you ask me. Without getting into the concept of religion, don’t you think that’s a bit of a stretch? Get off the pipe and into a nice, sensible pair of slacks without holes in them. You’ll thank me later.

Sincerely, Chris

Oh, and while I’ve got you here, get rid of patchouli oil as a whole. Seriously, who was the dummy that thought smelling like feces was a good idea?

Certainly beats the hose alternative

As part of our ongoing coverage of how cool the Catholic Church is, we turn now to the Church waging war against H1N1. Sure, you might think that holy water can kill the flu simply because it’s blessed by priests, but that’s not necessarily the case, apparently.

An Italian inventor has created a holy water dispenser that requires no touching at all, which makes the transmission of H1N1 much less likely. Wave your hands underneath it and holy water comes out. In case you’re wondering, yes, that is the same technology you have seen in public restrooms for the past decade or  so.

Hey, it took these guys centuries to apologize for calling Galileo a heretic. Ten years behind is nothing to them.

‘V’ actually stands for ‘Vatican’

The Catholic Church is looking into the possibility of life on other planets and how it could impact their understanding of God.

Pope Benedict XVI must have just read Chariots of Fire or something, because this isn’t really a new concept. While very little about aliens is mentioned in the Bible, this could help explain some of the more supernatural happenings. Perhaps instead of looking for angels, we should be looking for evidence of Biblical alien abductions.

As for the probings, well you can just investigate that one on your own.