Tag: christianity

Filthy and satanic D&D nerds not welcome in pews

So, earlier in the year, creator of Dungeons and Dragons, Gary Gygax passed away. His memory was honored by super-duper geekfest GenCon, who raised over $17,000 in an auction for Gygax’s favorite charity, the Christian Children’s Foundation. Irony was probably not lost on Gygax. What is lost? The money, as the CCF has decided to refuse the money.

Why? Because the money was raised with the sale of D&D merchandise.

You see, because the money came from a gaming convention, it would disrupt their principles. The group is claiming that this is about the “integrity” of its name, which it says it won’t lend to events it had no hand in.

Oh dear. There’s sticking to your principles, and then there’s just … well, quite frankly, there’s myopia.

Hey, his blood is wine, right?

If there is one potential marketing ploy that is never used, it’s God. No one ever tries to court the Christians in America, despite the fact that they are a huge demographic. Perhaps one day Christmas will be a larger holiday like it deserves to be, until then we must stick to beer.

We turn now to the 27th Great American Beer Festival (held three weeks after the So-So American Beer Festival), in our search for God. There, one entrepreneur is asking, What Would Jesus Brew? At the festival, one could find beers from an old Abbey, He’Brew, a Jewish beer, Genesis Ale, Messiah Bold and even Damnation.

So does this mean drinking on Sunday is OK with God?

Heavenly legal team off the hook

They say in America you can sue anyone for anything. But its seems that now has its limits, because you can only sue people whom you can find and serve.

God can’t be sued, because you don’t have his address, a court ruled last week. Nebraska state Senator Ernie Chambers filed the suit because he has too much free time on his hands in hopes of getting a permanent injunction against God and all bad things he does to the U.S. We can only assume this idea was hatched after Hurricane Katrina, which we hear devastated Nebraska.

Chambers argued that the defendant did not have to be served, because God knows everything, and therefor knew about the lawsuit. The court apparently thinks God is stupid, because it rejected the argument. We here at SG believe that the case, as every other, should have its day in court. But then again, we’ve already seen this movie. The tape recorder doesn’t pick up a voice.

The McBournie Minute: The end is near

The world is coming to an end. I know this, because a pamphlet stuck under my windshield wiper told me so. Someone came along to long term parking at Thurgood Marshall Baltimore-Washington International Airport and left it there.

The pamphlet was, oddly enough, from someone who started his own church, or sect, or splinter group, because no one would believe him. We know of course this means he is right, because only crazy people belong to churches of millions. I can’t tell you what his name is, or what his church’s name is, because I balled the pamphlet up and threw it away, but I do know that we are all going to die and it is going to happen very, very soon. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The end is near

What is the pope thinking?

Apparently, Pope Benedict XVI has left Washington, because he was spotted in Australia for a massive Roman Catholic festival called “World Youth Day.” However, it is not the fact that anyone celebrates kids that is shocking, it is the pope’s actions, which had little to do with the youth of the world.

Hold on to your butts: Pope Benedict met with a koala. Not much is known about what the pope and the beast talked about, perhaps the Holy Father is trying to enter peace talks circumventing the traditional authorities, or perhaps he was trying to broker a cease fire. Nevertheless, the pope’s actions are bordering on treason in the War on Animals. This is just the latest attempt of Big Religion to get involved in the ongoing strife.

Fun fact: The pope sends texts messages like a middle school girl, albeit a very devout one.

Pilgrims also received a second mobile phone text message from Benedict: “The Holy Spirit gave the Apostles and gives u the power boldly 2 proclaim that Christ is risen! – BXVI.”

Crisis of faith in Carolina

Well, Florida’s plans of a Christian license plate didn’t go too well. (Something about a church and state separation thing.) Next up: South Carolina, where the U.S. Constitution has been interpreted selectively since 1788.

Yes, South Carolina drivers could soon be expressing their faith through “I Believe” license plates. Because Christians cannot express their faith through, you know, magnetic fish.

Here are some other “I Believe” license plates we are sure to see:

  • “I Believe In A Thing Called Love” Available to members of The Darkness only.
  • “I Want To Believe” For X-Files fans, especially for this summer’s release.
  • “Yo Believo” For owners of Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again.
  • And to capitalize on the popularity of Grey’s Anatomy:
    “I believe in the good. I believe that it’s been a hell of a year. And I believe, in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, we will all be OK. I believe a lot of things. I believe that Denny is always with me. And I believe that if I eat a tub of butter, and no one sees me, the calories don’t count. And I believe that surgeons who prefer staples over stitches are just lazy. I believe you are a man who made a terrible mistake by marrying Callie. And I believe that because you’re my best friend, I can tell you this and we can be OK. I believe even though you made this mistake, you will be OK, I believe we survive, George. I believe that believing we survive is what makes us survive.”

Take this, all of you, and fill thy tank with it

Forget faith, sometimes a church can better filling empty seats promising to fill one’s tank rather than fill one’s soul.

A Georgia church is using a raffle for free fuel to bring in new members. For every service in a week (from Sunday to Wednesday) a person gets a raffle ticket for $500 worth of gas, which is roughly 20 gallons at current market prices. Being a southern church you might think it’s a Baptist church pulling a stunt like this, well let us tell you that you are just plain wro–oh wait, it is a Baptist church.

And the pastor’s name is Rusty. Yes, Reverend Rusty. We’re done snickering and we’re moving on.

Arkansas toddlers no longer enjoy freedom to marry

In another example of creeping fascism, the state of Arkansas has ended a marriage debate that is as old as, well, as old as last fall. The state has come down hard in its staunch Bible Belting point of view on marriage: children are no longer allowed to marry.

The debate arose last October, when it was discovered there was a loophole in a marriage law the legislature had recently passed that allowed anyone, regardless of their age, to marry. The state was marred with complaints, and numerous annulments had to be granted, because play-weddings ended up being officiated by justices of the peace.

This blog pleads with Arkansas to reverse its decision. We all know that kids are lazy. Perhaps getting married will force them to be more responsible and get a job, instead of mooching off of the older generation.

(Courtesy of Courtney P.)

Church to accept indulgences through PayPal

The band Bush once wrote a song called “Jesus Online.” Unlike the vast majority of Bush’s songs, this one is starting to make sense.

Churches are reporting a decline in people showing up for the confession of their sins, that is, you know, if their branch of Christianity believes in that sort of thing. However, it may no longer be a priest needed to act as a conduit to a higher power, all one might need is an Internet connection.

People can now “reach out and touch faith.” (See, Depeche Mode fans? We got a reference for you, too.) A new study from Georgetown (Jorgétown, to our Spanish-speaking readers) says that more and more people are logging on to Web sites, both Christian- and non-Christian-run, to confess their guilt on everything from binge shopping to affairs.

The Guys are ready to hear your wrongdoings, citizens of the world. Feel free to leave a comment or send us an e-mail with your salacious sins.

Note: SeriouslyGuys is not an ordained Web site, nor is it affiliated with any particular religion. We do however, feel the need to get the latest gossip.