Take it from Snee: Lightning Round Never Sleeps

I’m pooped. Not to dredge up too much boring domestic crap, but my entire apartment is in shambles from buying new bedroom furniture. On the pro side, there’s a mirror in my bedroom now. On the con side: my wife wouldn’t let me install it on the ceiling.

So, here are a few thoughts I had while cursing through my teeth. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning Round Never Sleeps

What about house sitting?

Let’s face it, folks, the world is coming to an end very soon, just ask Kirk Cameron or Roland Emmerich. But as we all know, only good Christians are going to go directly to Heaven when the rapture comes.

Of course, this leaves a logistical problem: If I am suddenly going to be taken off the face of the Earth in the Rapture, who is going to take care of my cats, who have no souls, and thus, will not be able to go to Heaven with me?

Enter Bart Centre, atheist author who is offering to watch your pets for a fee when God calls you home without even killing you first. After all, the atheists will be left behind, since they, like the animals, have no souls, only a strong sense of superiority. Centre’s Eternal Earth-Bound Pets offers a 10-year contract for $110. Baptize your pets today and save yourself some money.

The faker it is, the more vile its nature

EA’s recent PR stunt at E3, in which they organized a protest outside the LA Convention Center and hand out pamphlets directing people to WeAreSavedGroup.org for their upcoming game Dante’s Inferno, was a stroke of genius. You can call it dumb, or cheap or dirty, but the fact remains that it got them a crap ton of press in both the gaming world and the mainstream, and it fooled a whole lot of people — whether they admit to be fooled or not. This would usually be what you call a successful PR move.

Not so much on all fronts. It would seem that even a fake group can offend — though, in this case, it offended those they stereotyped. Like Pavlovian dogs trained to raise their head if someone mocks an aspect of Christianity, some Christians were offended.

“‘It’s been clear for a while now that the entertainment industry views Christians on the whole as priggish, thin-skinned fun-killers,’ writes Margaret Cabaniss on her website.”

Sadly, she’s not alone in her ability to present an ironic statement about how Christians are actually hip and with-it when it comes to gaming. Catholic Video Gamers had a few choice words to say too, culminating in,

“So instead of engaging in a shamelessly anti-Christian stunt to promote your poor excuse of a product, maybe you ought to work on making this game, you know, something better than a blatant God of War rip-off and make it, ya know, something worthwhile?”

Newsflash, people: we’re talking about a game that’s already made. So your admonishment to pour the effort spent hating Christians back into making the game is moot.

Stupid is bipartisan

This time, every year, we get to make fun of belligerent conservative talk show hosts claiming Christmas is under attack. It’s the highlight of this Web site’s holiday season.

Unfortunately, atheists have posted ads by nativity scenes and in public spaces decrying religion as “a myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds.” Other ads include patronizing slogans like, “Why believe in God? Just be good for goodness’ sake.”

(You have to hand it to atheists: they know proper apostrophe use.)

So what kind of moron proves Bill O’Reilly, Michelle Malkin and Ann Coulter right correct? Meet Dan Barker:

a former evangelical preacher who now heads up the atheist and agnostic Freedom From Religion Foundation, said it was important for atheists to see their viewpoints validated alongside everyone else’s.”

So, he was an annoying Christian and now he’s pissing off the other side. Here’s a textbook case of validation issues: making personal belief choices, revising them and still forcing them on other people for attention.

Did we mention that Barker sounds like every idiot you went to college with who wouldn’t shut up about socialism or why he doesn’t own a television?

“‘If there can be a Nativity scene saying that we are all going to hell if we don’t bow down to Jesus, we should be at the table to share our views.'”

Also leading the stupid-counterswing is Fred Edwords, spokesman of the American Humanist Association, which was responsible for the “goodness’ sake” ads in DC metros. He claims that they weren’t meant to attack Christianity, but to “reach new audiences.”

“‘There are a lot of people out there who don’t know there are organizations like ours to serve their needs,’ Edwords said. ‘The thing is, to reach a minority group, in order to be heard, everyone in the room has to hear you, even when they don’t want to.'”

What do atheists need? Are there starving atheists being turned away from Salvation Army soup kitchens? Are elderly atheists unable to pick up their own groceries? Do they need more DVDs for their Sunday morning “Movie Time?”

Well, they’ve reached that new audience: stupid Christians who can’t ignore other stupid people. Newspapers and political offices are now being flooded with letters of complaint by Christ-heads who are “offended.” Way to go, guys: public offices can’t do anything about your religion.

So, if you’re trying your damndest not to commit mass vehicular slaughter in the mall parking lot, you can thank the organized atheists, agnostics and humanists who don’t know when to shut up.