Tag: christine o’donnell

2010 Election: Two week warning!

There’s only two weeks in a mid-term election that could go down in history as a revolution in government or another mid-term election.

Tea Party candidates are the focus, by choice and for hilarity. But now that we’re in the final stretch, Republicans are trying to “contain gaffes,” which is another way of saying “try to not sound crazy.”

So, welcome to Moderateville! Where every nutjob with a tie wants to protect your social security and actually read the Constitution!

By the way: there are no more debates in Moderateville, because there’s no point when everyone’s normal and would only agree with each other!

Prove it by taking a shower with us

There are certain sentences that, when uttered, assure the world that you have no hope of ever winning your election:

  • “I don’t have to tell anyone where I buried her.”
  • “Is it just me, or are Laotians kind of smarmy?”
  • “YEEEAAAAAAARGH!”
  • “I’m not a witch.”

Delaware Republican Senate candidate and late night television darling, Christine O’Donnell released a new ad, saying that she is–in fact–“not a witch.” She went on to claim that she is you.

Yes, you. Unless you’re a witch. Then she isn’t you.

… Or is she? Don’t look in the mirror!

Delaware’s suddenly a sexy state

The biggest election news this past week was the triumph of Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell in the Republican primary for one of Delaware’s U.S. Senate seats.

Immediately following her win, Democrats cackled with glee, believing they had locked up the crucial Masturbators Bloc. They based this on statements she made 15 years ago on MTV’s “Sex in the ’90s,” in which she snubbed masturbation as lust, wrong and making your wife’s handjobs seem bush league and amateurish.

But, O’Donnell clarified those statements in a candidate’s forum Thursday night, saying that her “faith has matured” since then, and that she will consider any issues from a constitutional perspective.

So, she either plans to amend the Constitution* to reflect her personal morality, or–after 41 years of being single–she’s finally embraced DIY.

*Speaking of: Hey! It’s Constitution Day!